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Old 09-20-2013, 11:18 AM
 
5,312 posts, read 6,085,094 times
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At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.

Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.

I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.

So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ******* mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, non confident stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?

So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ******* the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:23 AM
 
Location: southern california
61,289 posts, read 87,202,462 times
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mostly right but in first 5 years self esteem is developed and is mostly permanent
lots of success does not translate to high self esteem
the reverse is true the world is full of confident failures and the dingbats that worship them
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:31 AM
 
207 posts, read 353,943 times
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Just like anything confidence is influenced by genetics and environment. I think we can all agree that being attractive, talented, or intelligent initially starts from genes. Those traits give people an edge over others and can play a role into developing positive experiences.

Absolutes are easily proven wrong. (Your idea.)
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 18,506,667 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.
I agree with the first part about succeeding, but slightly disagree with the failure part. Many or even most who lack confidence do so out of a fear of failure, not because they failed. They never even tried because they don't want to experience the "pain" of failure. Getting over the fear of failure is probably the biggest hurdle when you lack confidence. Once you realize that failure is not a death sentence (sure, it mentally hurts), and with each effort (some fail, but some may not), you gain a little more confidence whether you realize it or not.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:05 PM
 
Location: The city of champions
1,830 posts, read 2,143,535 times
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Very true. My confidence and charm was built through experience. I didn't start out like this. Early on in high school I was smaller and wasn't gettin any play. All it took for me was to grow and get that first girl. After that I started adjusting. That first heart break helped me as well, I was able to develop a thicker skin to rejection. When you're not afraid of rejection any longer, you'll be able to go after whatever woman you want. Some will reject you but most will not. ;-)
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:24 PM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,947,160 times
Reputation: 3014
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.

Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.

.
I agree with the above, especially the bolded.
The rest of your thesis is very debatable. For many many reasons.

Some people are just awkward. Through nothing they do/achieve in life, they may always be awkward compared to the desirable individuals out there in society.

At the end of the day, self growth and self development is required for internal happiness. Very few people can achieve happiness without self improvement, which in turn creates abetter quality of life.
For the most part, the people that do not have the motivation for self improvement and are co-dependent will be the most miserable. Those types fail to recognize that their greatest failure is their own lack of achievement.

Some people, like professional athletes and models achieve great success at a young age. But as they age, their genetic lottery wears off, and they find themself unable to progress or even live a 'normal' life, because their success was based on genetics vs mental development/hard work and achievement.

When society stops chasing the Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashins and the professional athletes/ celebrities of the world (which will never happen) people may he more accepting of a lower quality of life.

Happiness comes from within, and most people fail to recognize that.
Achieve happiness from within, and everything else in life is just a bonus.
But on the other hand, if one is unhappy on the inside, no s/o, money, or lifestyle will make someone happy.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:28 PM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,609,915 times
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This isn't rocket science. Confidence comes from feeling good about yourself. It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe you're better looking than everyone else. Maybe you're simply taller. Maybe you make more money. Maybe you have musical talent. Maybe you're really good at making people laugh.

There are so many examples. Take Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even in his youth, Arnold was NOT an attractive guy. He succeeded at bodybuilding, which gave him the confidence to think he could be a movie star. And despite having a thick accent and no acting experience, he succeeded in Hollywood. That in turn gave him the confidence to think he could be Governor of California. Success creates confidence, which leads to more success, which leads to more confidence. Pretty soon, you have such a high opinion of yourself that you think you can sleep with the housekeeper, get her pregnant, and no one will notice that her kid looks just like you.

I've seen people who lacked confidence and fail with women suddenly succeed once they found something to feel good about. For some, it was because they became successful doctors or lawyers. For others, it was because they got into fantastic shape. The guys who continue to fail with women make excuses. I'm not tall enough, I'm not buff enough, I don't make enough money, etc. But there are plenty of short guys, overweight guys, or guys with low incomes who do just fine.

Confidence is also something people fake because they know it's such an attractive quality. This is something most sales people understand. Project confidence in your product even though, deep down, you know it's junk. The guys lacking in confidence think they'll be rejected. But it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The lack of confidence they project is what causes them to be rejected.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:51 PM
 
2,183 posts, read 2,196,719 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
I agree with the first part about succeeding, but slightly disagree with the failure part. Many or even most who lack confidence do so out of a fear of failure, not because they failed. They never even tried because they don't want to experience the "pain" of failure. Getting over the fear of failure is probably the biggest hurdle when you lack confidence. Once you realize that failure is not a death sentence (sure, it mentally hurts), and with each effort (some fail, but some may not), you gain a little more confidence whether you realize it or not.
This is me to a tee. But only with dating. I continue to have the confidence to learn to better myself as a photo artist and to learn to play my guitars, but dating will always be a mystery to me. I almost asked one woman out. Only one in my whole life and I am 44 now. Like I said this is me to a tee.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Canada
11,761 posts, read 11,973,388 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jma501 View Post
This is me to a tee. But only with dating. I continue to have the confidence to learn to better myself as a photo artist and to learn to play my guitars, but dating will always be a mystery to me. I almost asked one woman out. Only one in my whole life and I am 44 now. Like I said this is me to a tee.
What stopped you? Do you choose to be unaware of yourself as a person and think you have bad luck or something? It sounds like you'd like a relationship so what is tripping you up from having one?

Last edited by Katnan; 09-20-2013 at 01:23 PM..
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:19 PM
 
9,301 posts, read 8,318,080 times
Reputation: 7328
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.

Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.

I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.

So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ******* mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, non confident stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?

So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ******* the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.
I agree with some of the points you say, but I also disagree with some of the points you say. Confidence is something that is developed with successes, no doubt about that. I'm not sure if it is necessarily as you say. I mean, there are certain cases where the "less attractive looking" person lost out to the attractive person even though he did the exact same thing as the attractive person. On the same token there have been cases where the attractive person lost out to the less attractive person. (For instance, one lady preferred my fat lard ugly ass back in childhood to the obviously better looking man. I found her to be a stunner, too. Unfortunately, due to lack of confidence because of a bully masquerading as a parent, I sabotaged myself.)

I also like what you have to say about what the world teaches you. The only thing I don't quite agree (100%) with is what you have to say about dressing better, and working out. My experience indicates otherwise. Some people's faces do change dramatically after a while when you get in shape. Different genetics will cause different faces to store fat differently. At one point, I lost a little bit of extra weight. Some of the fat even left my face and it has changed even more than I had anticipated. My eyes were apparently bigger. Women didn't necessarily say that I looked better, but they reacted in a more friendly and even flirtatious manner.

Also, keep in mind that different people find different things attractive. Some women might not be all that impressed with a pretty face, but if you are rocking a fit body that is covered in nice clothes, that may increase your advantages whether you have a pretty face, or not. On the same token, a guy with a Ryan Gosling face, but a Jabba the Hut body might still cause women to vomit and run the other way.


On an individual basis, what you say might be true. If you are ugly to someone, you are ugly to someone. All you can do is move on to another. No one person is going to turn on or turn off every single person in the world.
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