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Well, I'll put myself out there as an example, even though I'll probably end up flamed. Heh. I spoke about this a few days ago but now is a good time to add context.
Years ago I was in a long term live-in relationship. When we broke up, I found the hardest part was not moving on emotionally (the breakup was quite justified), it was giving up regular sex. LOL
I was too much of a punk to sleep with guys I randomly picked up, so after a few months of utter frustration I ended up entering a FWB with a good guy friend. He liked things open and I had no need or desire for a relationship. I just wanted my itch scratched. I hung out with him just as much as before now only every few weeks our hangouts would end in a booty call.
It was great. The unexpected benefit was when I was ready to really date again, I didn't have extreme horniness clouding my judgement. When I met my next BF, I dated him for a few months before sleeping with him. I cut off my FWB when I was ready to sleep with the new BF.
It really was just sex. I was a grown ass woman and I had needs. If my then new BF would have found out and got mad I would have told him to kick rocks. We were explicitly not exclusive up until I cut FWB off.
The only thing I think the OP's chick did "wrong" is that she gave reasons for not sleeping with him that implied she WASN'T sleeping with anyone else. All she had to say was that she wanted to take it slow, she didnt have to add all the extra about being a "good girl" or whatever.
So you wouldn't have no problem with your husband/boyfriend sleeping with another woman? I mean he loves you, the other woman is just sex right?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by 14Bricks
So you wouldn't have no problem with your husband/boyfriend sleeping with another woman? I mean he loves you, the other woman is just sex right?
There is a big difference between dating someone, even for months or even years, and being in an exclusive relationship with them (unless you're in an open/poly relationship).
Hi everybody. I’m posting here cause I wanted to find a forum that has an equal number of women posters.
My situation is not a huge deal since I’ve only known this girl for about six months but I am pissed so I’m curious as to what your responses will be.
Here’s the deal real quick. Met a girl. We got along well. Thought she was “nice” so not too fussed when she held out on having sex. Said she wasn’t into going to bed too fast, said she wasn’t like that. OK. No problem. Took us about 2 months to get to it.
I have just found out that while “we were getting to know each other for two months” she had ongoing sex with a “friends with benefits.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she stopped with him when we stated having sex BUT she was having sex with him for two months while telling me she wanted to take it slow with me cause that’s the way she is and that I'm special, etc.
We all know the end game here but I have not yet confronted her with this. Before I do I want to be prepared. I’d like your ideas of how she’ll respond so that I have good counters to her justifications / explanations – whatever they may be.
I would really appreciate women’s views on this. Thanks.
I'm a guy and not a woman. This is my take on this. Well I cant say nothing is wrong here and that their is plenty of grey area in this. From my experience this is nothing new and have been with women who were seeing and sleeping around with other guys while dating me. In matter of fact that Woman that I'm seeing was doing the samething and cant do anything about it, it is what it is and we are not exclusive at the moment. I don't think your S.O is doing anything wrong at the moment because she was not exclusive to you. Hell she can be sleeping around with multiple men while dating you. Again you cant be sure if she had sex with you, but still seeing the FWB or NSA guy. When a woman tells you that I want to get to know you and take it slow, she already is in a current relationship going south or sleeping with someone else at the moment before she gives you full attention. She is probably reevaluating or assessing her situation wether if she wants to date or be in a relationship or be single and explore her sexuality. Hell she might even think you are a great guy, but at the same time don't be a fool as well. Its best for her to be honest and come clean with you, but its also best and wise for you not to get upset because you and her are not exclusive with each other.
For any guy out there, if you are seeing a woman that is kind of seeing someone else, use condoms and even limit four play like oral, and do not spend much money on her. Hell even the other day I went on vacation flew out of the city, did not bring my S.O with me because we are not exclusive, she really wanted to go. Three weeks from now going on a skiing trip, not gonna bring her unless if she wants to be exclusive or push it in that direction.
Last edited by Bronxguyanese; 11-26-2013 at 08:05 AM..
So you wouldn't have no problem with your husband/boyfriend sleeping with another woman? I mean he loves you, the other woman is just sex right?
Let's keep this simple:
Not exclusive means you can have sex with who you want.
Exclusive means just me & you.
Not difficult to understand.
For the record, the first couple of months I was dating my now husband, we were not exclusive. I told him very plainly I was not going to sleep with him and he was free to do what he wanted. As it became clear we were going to be serious - which happened fairly quickly - we became exclusive.
I was in a relationship for several years, then dated three guys when I was single again. I told them all I was seeing other people and was not looking for anything serious. None of them protested. None of them asked me if I was having sex with the others. After a while one of them said he wasn't seeing anyone else, that I could do what I liked but he wanted me to know. I liked him the best anyway, so I broke up with the others. He's my husband now.
I can understand being jealous of a person's other lovers. My husband had more flings than I did, and I was daunted by his "number" when I asked him about it. It's easy for the insecure and immature (as I was) to wonder whether the other person is constantly comparing you, judging you. How could I compete with those other women who were surely prettier or better lovers or just more fun to be around? It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that he picked me and what that meant. I grew up and got over it.
I was in a relationship for several years, then dated three guys when I was single again. I told them all I was seeing other people and was not looking for anything serious. None of them protested. None of them asked me if I was having sex with the others. After a while one of them said he wasn't seeing anyone else, that I could do what I liked but he wanted me to know. I liked him the best anyway, so I broke up with the others. He's my husband now.
I can understand being jealous of a person's other lovers. My husband had more flings than I did, and I was daunted by his "number" when I asked him about it. It's easy for the insecure and immature (as I was) to wonder whether the other person is constantly comparing you, judging you. How could I compete with those other women who were surely prettier or better lovers or just more fun to be around? It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that he picked me and what that meant. I grew up and got over it.
This is one of the many "right ways" to go about it. The part of the dynamic between the OP and his GF that I take issue with is not that she was having sex with other people when they were not exclusive. Hell, it is not clear if they have had the exclusive talk yet anyway. I agree that his GF did not cheat on him in any way. What she did was worse.
I'm not hating on anyone for having sex or how many sexual partners they've had, I'm not ashamed of human sexuality and I think everyone should freely express themselves sexually in any way they choose insofar that it is consensual. What I am hating on is the dynamic of making someone "wait" when that is not your usual standard and conviction. It is inconsistent, a powerplay, and no one should take anyone who plays that game seriously.
The dynamic the GF is creating for herself negatively reinforces her inability to find someone "worthy" for a LTR in the aggregate sense. Her actions and the actions of those like her condition men to act like "casual sex material" and not "LTR" material. In the long term, making prospective boyfriends "wait" for sex while having sex with non-boyfriends immediately will make men exemplify non-boyfriend traits more, making it that much more difficult to find a relationship. Especially if it occurs under the pretext that she is "not that kind of girl" and she is making prospective boyfriends wait for something she routinely gives out like candy when hooking up.
You should only "wait" a while for sex to establish the relationship, IF - and only if - that is their partner's usual and normal standard and conviction.
Inexperienced guys see FWBs, casual courtiers, players, etc. get sex on demand without any commitments, while prospective boyfriends do the whole dinner, movies, be polite, buy her gifts script and not getting sex until the 10th date or after a certain amount of months.
Which do you think they are going to emulate in the long term?
This is why whenever I personally look for an exclusive relationship, I play myself off as someone just looking for fun who cannot be in a relationship, have sex with her immediately, then consider transitioning to a relationship after a certain amount of time. A woman can seem like a total independent hard case, but a few rounds of screaming orgasms later and she's looking at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming around above her head. This works out better for me than "white knighting" her and going through weeks/months of tests.
EDIT:
I have seen this happen time and time again to other people. A former lover will introduce me to someone she is dating, and she makes him wait and doesn't have sex with him for awhile. I shake her prospective BF's hand and secretly think to myself that he is a fool, I shared sex with her the first night and here he is, waiting like a chump. He doesn't know.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mighty_Pelican
Inexperienced guys see FWBs, casual courtiers, players, etc. get sex on demand without any commitments, while prospective boyfriends do the whole dinner, movies, be polite, buy her gifts script and not getting sex until the 10th date or after a certain amount of months.
Which do you think they are going to emulate in the long term?
That sounds well and good if you're a believer that the primary reason a guy wants a girlfriend is to have regular sex and they go through the other song and dance only to get that sex.
The good thing about FWBs is that is no longer the case. You don't need a relationship to get the sex. So, if you actually do want a relationship with someone it isn't for the sex, which is MUCH healthier IMO.
This is one of the many "right ways" to go about it. The part of the dynamic between the OP and his GF that I take issue with is not that she was having sex with other people when they were not exclusive. Hell, it is not clear if they have had the exclusive talk yet anyway. I agree that his GF did not cheat on him in any way. What she did was worse.
I'm not hating on anyone for having sex or how many sexual partners they've had, I'm not ashamed of human sexuality and I think everyone should freely express themselves sexually in any way they choose insofar that it is consensual. What I am hating on is the dynamic of making someone "wait" when that is not your usual standard and conviction. It is inconsistent, a powerplay, and no one should take anyone who plays that game seriously.
The dynamic the GF is creating for herself negatively reinforces her inability to find someone "worthy" for a LTR in the aggregate sense. Her actions and the actions of those like her condition men to act like "casual sex material" and not "LTR" material. In the long term, making prospective boyfriends "wait" for sex while having sex with non-boyfriends immediately will make men exemplify non-boyfriend traits more, making it that much more difficult to find a relationship. Especially if it occurs under the pretext that she is "not that kind of girl" and she is making prospective boyfriends wait for something she routinely gives out like candy when hooking up.
You should only "wait" a while for sex to establish the relationship, IF - and only if - that is their partner's usual and normal standard and conviction.
Inexperienced guys see FWBs, casual courtiers, players, etc. get sex on demand without any commitments, while prospective boyfriends do the whole dinner, movies, be polite, buy her gifts script and not getting sex until the 10th date or after a certain amount of months.
Which do you think they are going to emulate in the long term?
This is why whenever I personally look for an exclusive relationship, I play myself off as someone just looking for fun who cannot be in a relationship, have sex with her immediately, then consider transitioning to a relationship after a certain amount of time. A woman can seem like a total independent hard case, but a few rounds of screaming orgasms later and she's looking at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming around above her head. This works out better for me than "white knighting" her and going through weeks/months of tests.
EDIT:
I have seen this happen time and time again to other people. A former lover will introduce me to someone she is dating, and she makes him wait and doesn't have sex with him for awhile. I shake her prospective BF's hand and secretly think to myself that he is a fool, I shared sex with her the first night and here he is, waiting like a chump. He doesn't know.
I agree the OP should have had a discussion regarding exclusivity, but it almost sounds like because he 'assumed' that he was her one and only during the two months its his fault for that assumption. I think both are at fault in this situation, him for not establishing exclusivity, her for not being forthcoming about her activities. If I put myself in her shoes, I think I would be more forthcoming about who I was seeing, if the other person understands and is willing to wait then fine, if not then fine, afte rall 2 months is very early days.
This is one of the many "right ways" to go about it. The part of the dynamic between the OP and his GF that I take issue with is not that she was having sex with other people when they were not exclusive. Hell, it is not clear if they have had the exclusive talk yet anyway. I agree that his GF did not cheat on him in any way. What she did was worse.
I'm not hating on anyone for having sex or how many sexual partners they've had, I'm not ashamed of human sexuality and I think everyone should freely express themselves sexually in any way they choose insofar that it is consensual. What I am hating on is the dynamic of making someone "wait" when that is not your usual standard and conviction. It is inconsistent, a powerplay, and no one should take anyone who plays that game seriously.
The dynamic the GF is creating for herself negatively reinforces her inability to find someone "worthy" for a LTR in the aggregate sense. Her actions and the actions of those like her condition men to act like "casual sex material" and not "LTR" material. In the long term, making prospective boyfriends "wait" for sex while having sex with non-boyfriends immediately will make men exemplify non-boyfriend traits more, making it that much more difficult to find a relationship. Especially if it occurs under the pretext that she is "not that kind of girl" and she is making prospective boyfriends wait for something she routinely gives out like candy when hooking up.
You should only "wait" a while for sex to establish the relationship, IF - and only if - that is their partner's usual and normal standard and conviction.
Inexperienced guys see FWBs, casual courtiers, players, etc. get sex on demand without any commitments, while prospective boyfriends do the whole dinner, movies, be polite, buy her gifts script and not getting sex until the 10th date or after a certain amount of months.
Which do you think they are going to emulate in the long term?
This is why whenever I personally look for an exclusive relationship, I play myself off as someone just looking for fun who cannot be in a relationship, have sex with her immediately, then consider transitioning to a relationship after a certain amount of time. A woman can seem like a total independent hard case, but a few rounds of screaming orgasms later and she's looking at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming around above her head. This works out better for me than "white knighting" her and going through weeks/months of tests.
EDIT:
I have seen this happen time and time again to other people. A former lover will introduce me to someone she is dating, and she makes him wait and doesn't have sex with him for awhile. I shake her prospective BF's hand and secretly think to myself that he is a fool, I shared sex with her the first night and here he is, waiting like a chump. He doesn't know.
This is pretty much exactly what I was trying to express. The inconsistent standards are what bothers me. Games like this make finding a real relationship difficult.
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We were explicitly not exclusive up until I cut FWB off.
