Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Going to give the TLDR summary of this entire thread for anyone that wants to know about the story here. This thread is a little over 4 years old and the OP isn't around anymore.
OP meets girl and they have been dating for 6 months, they got intimate after 2 months of dating. OP then finds out that shortly AFTER meeting him she met another guy who became a FWB while they were dating. She explained to him during the dating stage that she 'isn't that kind of girl' and takes things slow. OP gets upset that she had sex right away with another guy that she met after she met him but made him wait in order to show him that she 'isn't that kind of girl'.
One key point is there had never been the exclusive agreement yet, so technically she did nothing wrong. This point was brought up numerous times by female posters in this forum. So OP realizes this and then decides he will also get a FWB and continue casually seeing this girl but will never ever bring up the exclusive agreement talk. Only he is doing this without telling her because why should he?
So here is my take on this.
From the female perspective I can understand why some women make one guy wait and another guy gets sex right away. Women are sexual creatures too with sexual needs just like men. Finds an attractive guy and wants to have some sex. When a boyfriend material guy comes along she doesn't want to portray the image that she is an easy girl with lots of sexual partners so she makes him wait. Women know that if they sleep with a guy right away that it lowers the chances of a LTR developing with that guy.
Then the male perspective. Guys hate it when a woman has double standards. One of our biggest pet peeves is women that make us wait to prove our worth to her but gives sex right away to some other guy for nothing. Nothing like taking a woman out to dinner and drinks; she kisses you good night with a hug. Then you find out she went home and had sex with another guy. It is a relationship killer. The whole 'I'm not that kind of girl' goes out the window if he finds out she didn't make other guys wait like she did with him. In his mind he is thinking she IS that kind of girl, just not with him which is a slap in the face.
What men learn from scenarios like this is that sexually aggressive douche bags that don't act like boy friend material get sex faster and easier then stand up boy friend material men.
Excellent post. The woman doesn't want to give it up too quickly to a guy that she actually likes. In her mind, the FWB is just getting sex but the "good guy" is getting everything. As a man, the double standard can be infuriating. Women may say "I prefer to establish a connection first" but then turn right around and smash some random dude with no strings attached for months on end. To her it's just sex, but to Mr. Relationship, it's a sign of betrayal. The one thing I want most, I have to wait for because I'm special....but a guy that you care little about gets it right off the bat. To women, everything they offer is the whole package with sex being but a small piece. For men, everything but sex is easily obtainable from lots of women but sex is the exclamation point and the hardest hurdle to clear. Denying me the one thing I need to know the relationship is secure but giving it freely to others is akin to a man cuddling with some random woman, rubbing her feet, watching romantic movies and going on picnics.
I can see where you'd be a little pissed, but if you never discussed exclusivity, then I don't think you have a leg to stand on. She could do whatever she wanted, as could you.
If he said "hey, I'm smashing this other chick," I doubt she would have stuck around. If she felt what she was doing was 'right', she would have said something up front. The truth is that she knew he'd probably bounce if he knew she was sexing up some other guy while making him wait. Nothing wrong with hedging your bets, but this wasn't some burdensome decision on her part.
If he said "hey, I'm smashing this other chick," I doubt she would have stuck around. If she felt what she was doing was 'right', she would have said something up front. The truth is that she knew he'd probably bounce if he knew she was sexing up some other guy while making him wait. Nothing wrong with hedging your bets, but this wasn't some burdensome decision on her part.
He never bothered to ask her and she never bothered to tell...end of story. He could have been doing the same and for all WE know she figured he WAS and she was fine with it. Assumptions cause problems. OP was too chicken to ask for exclusivity so she really didn't have to make a choice and she didn't.
The old threads getting re-bumped is a continued source of frustration. You read the OP then you craft a response only to see the post is 3-7 years old.
WTF are you people continuing to bump old threads in this section? Let them die!!!
In the world of mature grown up people, here's the scoop.
Dating is dating and sex is sex. Unless there is an agreement between two people to be exclusive before they are intimate, they are JUST dating and there should be no expectation of exclusivity.
The possibility of one of you being intimate with someone else should be discussed during the "Getting to know you" period but there is no obligation at that point in time.
You do know what condoms are for right?
Personally, I would have come clean about it as soon as there was intimacy between me and the person I was dating unless they were clear about not wanting to know.
As for the 2 month period, there are a LOT of false people out there and if people want to build a good foundation, 2 months really isn't that much time to wait. FWB's usually are familiar with one another and honest about other relationships so it feels like a safe place to be while learning about someone new.
Excellent post. The woman doesn't want to give it up too quickly to a guy that she actually likes. In her mind, the FWB is just getting sex but the "good guy" is getting everything. As a man, the double standard can be infuriating. Women may say "I prefer to establish a connection first" but then turn right around and smash some random dude with no strings attached for months on end. To her it's just sex, but to Mr. Relationship, it's a sign of betrayal. The one thing I want most, I have to wait for because I'm special....but a guy that you care little about gets it right off the bat. To women, everything they offer is the whole package with sex being but a small piece. For men, everything but sex is easily obtainable from lots of women but sex is the exclamation point and the hardest hurdle to clear. Denying me the one thing I need to know the relationship is secure but giving it freely to others is akin to a man cuddling with some random woman, rubbing her feet, watching romantic movies and going on picnics.
It could also be that the OP wasn't even considered good enough for sex. The FWB wasn't LTR material but the OP wasn't even sex material! But after two months she relented and maybe found he was Ok for sex after all. Remember that there never was any mention of exclusivity, before or after the OP found out about her FWB. She never had any intentions of LTR with him. She was using that "I'm not like that" line as an excuse to avoid sex with him.
It could also be that the OP wasn't even considered good enough for sex. The FWB wasn't LTR material but the OP wasn't even sex material! But after two months she relented and maybe found he was Ok for sex after all. Remember that there never was any mention of exclusivity, before or after the OP found out about her FWB. She never had any intentions of LTR with him. She was using that "I'm not like that" line as an excuse to avoid sex with him.
Good points.
Most men are able to engage in sexual relationships with women because they demonstrate value (kind, intelligent, self-sufficient, supportive etc). A smaller number of men have a certain "it" factor where they're more successful at securing sex without demonstrating any value beyond displays of wealth or higher than normal levels of charm/charisma and attractiveness.
As men, we want to think that our woman values our good traits but also has an innate physical attraction to us that's almost primal. When we discover that she's had that instant spark/physical attraction to other men (enough that she slept with those guys within hours of meeting) but that our relationship was more of a slow burn, it can make a man second guess his situation. It's not her fault.....and it's not a blame game. However, there's an air of "second place" that can make some guys uneasy. I had to prove my worth to you while someone else didn't. This is difficult to explain to women because there's not an exact comparison. Men generally do the approaching and initiating so the onus is on men to show what they have to offer.
If he said "hey, I'm smashing this other chick," I doubt she would have stuck around. If she felt what she was doing was 'right', she would have said something up front. The truth is that she knew he'd probably bounce if he knew she was sexing up some other guy while making him wait. Nothing wrong with hedging your bets, but this wasn't some burdensome decision on her part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
He never bothered to ask her and she never bothered to tell...end of story. He could have been doing the same and for all WE know she figured he WAS and she was fine with it. Assumptions cause problems. OP was too chicken to ask for exclusivity so she really didn't have to make a choice and she didn't.
If she would have discovered that he was smashing other chicks she would have dumped him. OP - where ever you are i hope you ended this relationship. I agree with you Reneeh that i guess during these times you need ask upfront if you are 100% exclusive.
Most men are able to engage in sexual relationships with women because they demonstrate value (kind, intelligent, self-sufficient, supportive etc). A smaller number of men have a certain "it" factor where they're more successful at securing sex without demonstrating any value beyond displays of wealth or higher than normal levels of charm/charisma and attractiveness.
As men, we want to think that our woman values our good traits but also has an innate physical attraction to us that's almost primal. When we discover that she's had that instant spark/physical attraction to other men (enough that she slept with those guys within hours of meeting) but that our relationship was more of a slow burn, it can make a man second guess his situation. It's not her fault.....and it's not a blame game. However, there's an air of "second place" that can make some guys uneasy. I had to prove my worth to you while someone else didn't. This is difficult to explain to women because there's not an exact comparison. Men generally do the approaching and initiating so the onus is on men to show what they have to offer.
So, because the other guy was a FWB she must have automatically decided in an hour that the "primal" spark was there and the FWB began? How do you know anything at all about her FWB or FWBs "in general? ANOTHER assumption.
And are you sure all men are in agreement that there has be to be a primal spark on the woman's part or it is not a valid relationship? No "slow burn" is acceptable?
I think you are way too sensitive and insecure (it goes way beyond the "uneasy" you cite above) - you need to find a woman who has never been with another guy so that you can feel A#1 with no doubts whatsoever. And if you can't, then figure out how to have adult conversations with women <gasp>.
Oh - MEN have to show what they have to offer to make the approach? Yeah, women just have to "show off" their assets so a guy will even approach...we all got problems
Every single guy in the world would get mad if they found out the girl they've been dating for months is smashing some other guy, while holding out on them.
Personally, if I found that out, the female would automatically be down-regulated. Don't complain when every single guy in this scenario with exception of the most desperate down-regulates you because you're smashing another dude.
That's just how it is. No amount of posturing is going to change this situation.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
