Does closure ever come? (boyfriend, men, husband, young)

[goldenmom7500]

Originally Posted by ebo202

Thanks everyone for your advice! I really do appreciate it.

A lot of responses say, "letting it go is the easiest" and one that said, "5 years is a long time to hold on to it." Both of which I believe to be true, but I think I hold on for more time because of how it went down and we also had some correspondence afterwards. We exchanged a handful of emails. None was positive. Never was an admission of guilt ever made, no apology offered and full responsibility was put on me. It's hard wishing someone the best when they just spit in your face and don't offer the same courtesy. I know there are two sides to every coin, but the worst I did was fail to tell her how I felt, or acted too much like a kid... Heck, at 23, I WAS a kid!

Now, I'm not a basket case, and I don't obsess over it like I did when it first happened, but I do feel it all the time, which is why I'm worried. It's a constant worry, like having a mystery pain in your chest... You know it's there, you should have a doc look at it, but you're terrified the diagnosis is terminal so you put it off. Well, I don't think there is a doc that can fix this (the therapists I've known have been pretty useless... And i live in the city!) and I'm worried I'll wake up, 50 years old and still feeling it.

Wow, so many good posts here. Very perceptive.

I had thought initially, in my quicker read, that you were dealing with that "first 3-6 months of pain". The kind that requires some Xanax and a jog around the block (or just some Xanax).

I just think the answers are here, above, in your own post. There are just two things that pop out for me. One is that there was some lingering communication. Apparently, I've been told that a "clean break" is better, at least initially - initially meaning years. I couldn't say why - maybe because we presume that one person probably wants to stay together and another doesn't, so what good will come of any communications? The person wanting to hang on will just hurt to hear the other person moving on?

The second thing you mention is that she sort of blamed you and had the last word. You didn't have a chance to give your side, to express your own thoughts. It also sounds like you held back any anger towards her, I presume? You just let her have the last word? This is just a guess, but it sounds like that is the emotion you are carrying, more so than regret that things didn't work out? Please correct me if I'm wrong. (Seriously, be frank as to whether this is right or not).

If you're talking long-term, I relate more through a professional experience, a major trauma, that happened over 7 years ago and that is always with me and holds me back. And you know, if I went into therapy, I wouldn't even be able to mention it because it hurts so much. I'd just mention the peripherals, even though I know this is *the thing*. Boy, I'm inspiring, right?

[ebo202]

Goldenmom, Greenmachine... i think you two especially made some good points.

I mean, looking back... I UNDERSTAND why she did what she did, but it was a beyond foul way of going about it. She was 5 years older than I was, she wanted a family RIGHT NOW. She basically kept me around in the end until she got what she wanted. When it went down, she poured the gasoline and lit the fuse on this bridge.

I am definitely still bitter inside. Why? Because there are so many little details I just don't feel like going over in my head again, but maybe a couple will help clarify. Like that "yada yada" between me catching her and her getting married was a whopper. After I caught her, we talked it over, she denied everything, and, being a love-stricken fool, I believed every word. Said she needed a couple weeks to finish her semester, and I told her I'd do my best to give her space. Yes, I still tried calling every other day, but c'mon... Five years of talking everyday to someone... habits die hard. Anyhow, after her teetering between "I love you" and "I need space" I asked if I could see her a month later. She said she'd love to. I show up at her door at the agreed time, and, lo and behold, she calls the cops and has a pre-written restraining order placed on me.

Granted, no one here knows me from Adam, but please believe me when I say I'm really a pretty decent guy. My parents raised me right and are still married 40 years, I love animals and babies, I've never been arrested, I don't do drugs. Except for that time I was 7 and kicked my 15 year old sister in the shins, I don't hit girls. I'm a pretty good guy. But THAT was how she burned her bridge.

Now... I was in my last year of college getting a degree in Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. Big government contractors recruited me. Intership, maybe, but a good job and paycheck when I graduate. How do you think a restraining order looked on my Security Clearance background check? Not good. It all got flushed. Inside, I crumbled. I dropped out of college, moved back home 2,000 miles away to be with family and regroup. I spent my savings that year traveling abroad to clear my head. Worked ok, but too bad every time I came through customs, my passport was red-flagged and I had to sit in a room with felons while explaining why I have an order of protection against me.

That's just the basics. There is a lot more I don't feel like typing. She says it was all my fault. I asked her for closure in an email once. She has nothing to apologize for, and she's keeping my emails as "evidence." I can't let it go because she literally changed overnight from being the best friend I ever had, to being my bitter enemy. Call me naive if you must, but that is not natural for my heart/mind to accept. She was a wonderful and caring person a lot longer than she was a two-timing.... whatever I think initially she knew what she did was wrong, but to justify them, she transferred all blame to me... To her, what difference would that make? I'm gone! As time passed, she started to believe her own mess. Deep down I'll always love and care about her and hope she is happy... But it's darn hard when they don't realize that... especially after kicking you so hard. Make any sense?

[goldenmom7500]

Originally Posted by ebo202

She said she'd love to. I show up at her door at the agreed time, and, lo and behold, she calls the cops and has a pre-written restraining order placed on me.

How DARE she?

I mean, we don't know you from Adam, but I can't tell you how angry this makes me. [And I kicked my sister too, plenty of times, but she started it].

I'm gone for the day, I'll check in later tonight.

Edit: OK, I have about 30 seconds to write. I mean, no wonder this has lingered, she really interfered with your future and your livelihood. And instead of being angry with her, I get the feeling you're trying to explain your behavior and get her forgiveness. No, she really, really wronged you. I think you have it turned around. And I know it can be confusing when someone is mainly wonderful and then shows another side, but me, a skeptic, I go with the bad side. I tend to think that is closer to the truth. [In a day-to-day sense, I'm just saying that I become wary if I've seen a very ugly side of someone, but if it involves a very close relationship and something like this, I'd lean in favor of the negative side, even if it was just 1% of the overall experience ... not sure if that makes any sense, now I have to run out the door ...].

[carlieisodd]

Originally Posted by ebo202

My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?

Sometimes people just "grow out" of each other. I've had two serious relationships and both of them were ended by the other person, both times i was pretty suprised. I think you just have to force yourself to look on the bright side sometimes. I've been doing that, whenever i start to feel kind of crappy i just make myself think of something else. You have to remember that life goes on, and time DOES heal all. It just takes awhile sometimes.

[Sundance]

It's called forgiveness. It comes with maturity. You really don't need to know why. Just forgive, let it go, and move on with your life.

Simple, but complex. Easy to say - difficult to do.

[goldenmom7500]

This is addressing the quote two threads up, how do you forgive without any remorse from the other person ...

1. You need to figure out what happened - not in a detailed way, but in an abstract way. Sometimes people just decide suddenly and unilaterally that they want out of a relationship and from then on, any communication from the other person (who they've suddenly and unilaterally abandoned) becomes harassing.

2. You need to "recover" from the damage, whether that is professionally, personally, or other. Once people are fully on their feet, then it is much easier to forgive and forget. Typically, once people are, say, in a good new relationship, then they get to that point of forgiving and forgetting. In your case there are complexities.

3. Any element of payback would not hurt, just in the 'universal karma' sense -- like, finding out all of her hair had fallen out, or she gained 300 pounds. Normally, I would tell you to go to one of these websites and send her some dead flowers, but I'll restrain myself. You never know, when you make the cover of "Fortune" the same week that she is featured on "Cops", you'll know you have closure.

[beenhereandthere]

Originally Posted by ebo202

Goldenmom, Greenmachine... i think you two especially made some good points.

I mean, looking back... I UNDERSTAND why she did what she did, but it was a beyond foul way of going about it. She was 5 years older than I was, she wanted a family RIGHT NOW. She basically kept me around in the end until she got what she wanted. When it went down, she poured the gasoline and lit the fuse on this bridge.

I am definitely still bitter inside. Why? Because there are so many little details I just don't feel like going over in my head again, but maybe a couple will help clarify. Like that "yada yada" between me catching her and her getting married was a whopper. After I caught her, we talked it over, she denied everything, and, being a love-stricken fool, I believed every word. Said she needed a couple weeks to finish her semester, and I told her I'd do my best to give her space. Yes, I still tried calling every other day, but c'mon... Five years of talking everyday to someone... habits die hard. Anyhow, after her teetering between "I love you" and "I need space" I asked if I could see her a month later. She said she'd love to. I show up at her door at the agreed time, and, lo and behold, she calls the cops and has a pre-written restraining order placed on me.

Granted, no one here knows me from Adam, but please believe me when I say I'm really a pretty decent guy. My parents raised me right and are still married 40 years, I love animals and babies, I've never been arrested, I don't do drugs. Except for that time I was 7 and kicked my 15 year old sister in the shins, I don't hit girls. I'm a pretty good guy. But THAT was how she burned her bridge.

Now... I was in my last year of college getting a degree in Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. Big government contractors recruited me. Intership, maybe, but a good job and paycheck when I graduate. How do you think a restraining order looked on my Security Clearance background check? Not good. It all got flushed. Inside, I crumbled. I dropped out of college, moved back home 2,000 miles away to be with family and regroup. I spent my savings that year traveling abroad to clear my head. Worked ok, but too bad every time I came through customs, my passport was red-flagged and I had to sit in a room with felons while explaining why I have an order of protection against me.

That's just the basics. There is a lot more I don't feel like typing. She says it was all my fault. I asked her for closure in an email once. She has nothing to apologize for, and she's keeping my emails as "evidence." I can't let it go because she literally changed overnight from being the best friend I ever had, to being my bitter enemy. Call me naive if you must, but that is not natural for my heart/mind to accept. She was a wonderful and caring person a lot longer than she was a two-timing.... whatever I think initially she knew what she did was wrong, but to justify them, she transferred all blame to me... To her, what difference would that make? I'm gone! As time passed, she started to believe her own mess. Deep down I'll always love and care about her and hope she is happy... But it's darn hard when they don't realize that... especially after kicking you so hard. Make any sense?

Wow, I am sure that you will come thru this eventually, she's the lowlife and the dirtbag.
Too often, women think that since men are supposed to be emotionally stronger, they don't think too much about doing stuff like what this girl did to you. The restraining order is always their way out, granted I know most of the time, women have a valid excuse for using it, but often, some abuse it in a bad and cowardly way.
Hopefully, this girl who wronged you like this is 300 lbs and/or on meth and you are doing well.

[skatealoneskatetogether]

I can't believe you dropped out of college over a woman.Well then again wars have been fought over women.

[GreenMachine]

Originally Posted by ebo202

I show up at her door at the agreed time, and, lo and behold, she calls the cops and has a pre-written restraining order placed on me.

I find that very strange. I can't imagine why any women would do that for no reason.

Originally Posted by ebo202

Deep down I'll always love and care about her and hope she is happy... But it's darn hard when they don't realize that... especially after kicking you so hard. Make any sense?

No, it doesn't make any sense at all. You just demonized this woman and now you're saying you hope she realizes you still love her?

I don't know what the real story is between you two, but it's for certain that this woman has moved on with her life. You need to get over it and stop playing yourself as the victim. It's getting tiresome even in these posts.

[ebo202]

You find that very strange? NO KIDDING! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!! The best explaination I got came a couple years later... She did that so I wouldn't find out she was already engaged to this other clown. I found that out when I ran into her dad. Funny thing is, he apologized before she did.

No, I'm not saying I want her to know I still love her, I want her to realize I was never the enemy in the first place. It's hard being treated a certain way when it was never warranted. No intention of demonizing her, I just explained why it was a hard to mentally and emotionally grasp.

I'm still cordial with all the women I have dated (minus this one of course) and wherever they are, I hope they are happy in their lives. That's just because when I messed up, I had conviction enough to make ammends. When they messed up, after the craziness subsided they were back to their old selves again, and, though the relationship was over, the friendship element still remained. This one never got back to their cool, calm, collected state. It was ever bitter, but at my expense.