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My boyfriend (30) and I(26) have been in a great relationship for one year. We sometimes fight, but it's never serious and we always make up the same day. Except of those fights once in a while, our relationship is really harmonic and we spend a lot of time together and he always tells me how much he loves me and how important I am to him.
So 3 days ago we had the first big fight of our relationship. Since my family is from another country, I'll spend Christmas with them, so we won't see each other for three full weeks. I was a bit sad about it, but then I also felt like he doesn't want to spend the last few hours just with me. I mean we spent it together, just the two of us, but I expected us to spend some quality time together, maybe just being at home together, eatuing something nice, having sex. Instead we were running around from shop to shop because he had to run some errands. I didn't like it at all although I didn't say anything I showed it to him really clearly, which I regret now (I shouldn't have ruined the mood in the last hours before we have to say goodbye for 3 weeks). By showing I mean that I almost didn't talk and made a really sad face. At one point he got really angry and said in a very bad and louder tone that it's absolutely ridiculous how I behave. And there we lost it. We started to fight, shouting at each other and I started to cry. He then started to ignore me completly,didn't even look at me. At this point I was so emotional that I asked him "Do you wanna break up?". He looked at me as if I said the worst thing ever. He then responded "Okay, if that's what you want, fine" and left me alone in my tears. That was the last time I saw him.
After my flight I called him (he didn't contact me at all), apologized for my overemotional behavior and explained him that I just expected something different from our last hours together and that I felt like he doesn't care at all that we won't see each other for so long. And that his shouting and being so cold to me just made it worse and I completly lost it (by that I mean crying a lot and saying stupid **** like "You want to break up?"- I never called him names, hit him or anything like that). I also apologized for asking him if he wants to break up and assured him that I don't wanna break up and that I love him very much.
He was really cold and still mad during the whole conversation, even called me inmature. He kept repeating he didn't like the side he saw of me at all and that he cannot believe I brought breaking up up. When I asked him if he still wants to be with me (because he didn't say anything, didn't try to solve anything, even didn't really take my apologies and didn't even really listen to what I had to say) he said yes, he wants to. But that he needs time to think. We should stay in contact in these weeks, but not too much. We should keep talking and see where it goes. Ever since we're texting every day on Whatsapp, but not so much. He starts texting as well, but we usually just talk a bit about what we did and what we're planning to do. He never says I love you or I miss you anymore.
I don't know what to think now- I mean I know I overreacted and it was a big fight, but it was our first serious fight and I apologized and tried to fix things, while he doesn't even try to see it from my point of view. I just feel like he's letting me down, he treats me like if I did the worst thing in the world to him. He seems to forget that except of that our relationship has been wonderful, harmonic etc. Isn't a partner supposed to forgive the other one and to work on problems? Next time we have a bigger fight, what is he going to do then? Break up?
I would love to hear your opinion about him, his behavior and the whole situation. Advices very welcome. Thanks!
My boyfriend (30) and I(26) have been in a great relationship for one year. We sometimes fight, but it's never serious and we always make up the same day. Except of those fights once in a while, our relationship is really harmonic and we spend a lot of time together and he always tells me how much he loves me and how important I am to him.
So 3 days ago we had the first big fight of our relationship. Since my family is from another country, I'll spend Christmas with them, so we won't see each other for three full weeks. I was a bit sad about it, but then I also felt like he doesn't want to spend the last few hours just with me. I mean we spent it together, just the two of us, but I expected us to spend some quality time together, maybe just being at home together, eatuing something nice, having sex. Instead we were running around from shop to shop because he had to run some errands. I didn't like it at all although I didn't say anything I showed it to him really clearly, which I regret now (I shouldn't have ruined the mood in the last hours before we have to say goodbye for 3 weeks). By showing I mean that I almost didn't talk and made a really sad face. At one point he got really angry and said in a very bad and louder tone that it's absolutely ridiculous how I behave. And there we lost it. We started to fight, shouting at each other and I started to cry. He then started to ignore me completly,didn't even look at me. At this point I was so emotional that I asked him "Do you wanna break up?". He looked at me as if I said the worst thing ever. He then responded "Okay, if that's what you want, fine" and left me alone in my tears. That was the last time I saw him.
After my flight I called him (he didn't contact me at all), apologized for my overemotional behavior and explained him that I just expected something different from our last hours together and that I felt like he doesn't care at all that we won't see each other for so long. And that his shouting and being so cold to me just made it worse and I completly lost it (by that I mean crying a lot and saying stupid **** like "You want to break up?"- I never called him names, hit him or anything like that). I also apologized for asking him if he wants to break up and assured him that I don't wanna break up and that I love him very much.
He was really cold and still mad during the whole conversation, even called me inmature. He kept repeating he didn't like the side he saw of me at all and that he cannot believe I brought breaking up up. When I asked him if he still wants to be with me (because he didn't say anything, didn't try to solve anything, even didn't really take my apologies and didn't even really listen to what I had to say) he said yes, he wants to. But that he needs time to think. We should stay in contact in these weeks, but not too much. We should keep talking and see where it goes. Ever since we're texting every day on Whatsapp, but not so much. He starts texting as well, but we usually just talk a bit about what we did and what we're planning to do. He never says I love you or I miss you anymore.
I don't know what to think now- I mean I know I overreacted and it was a big fight, but it was our first serious fight and I apologized and tried to fix things, while he doesn't even try to see it from my point of view. I just feel like he's letting me down, he treats me like if I did the worst thing in the world to him. He seems to forget that except of that our relationship has been wonderful, harmonic etc. Isn't a partner supposed to forgive the other one and to work on problems? Next time we have a bigger fight, what is he going to do then? Break up?
I would love to hear your opinion about him, his behavior and the whole situation. Advices very welcome. Thanks!
Don't ever ask someone if they want to break up. Either break up with them or just talk about the actual situation.
There's my advice. If he thinks this over and decides he wants to stay in this relationship, never ask him again if he wants to break up.
That is really a dumb thing to ask another person, when you think about it.
It does suck that he's being all "let's spend time apart" on a holiday when you are already apart anyway. Sorry you're having a tough time.
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You do sound pretty immature. Did you every discuss with him and make a plan about how you wanted to spend your last day together? Or did you just pout and expect him to read your mind?
Seriously, read this part again.
Quote:
I was a bit sad about it, but then I also felt like he doesn't want to spend the last few hours just with me. I mean we spent it together, just the two of us, but I expected us to spend some quality time together, maybe just being at home together, eatuing something nice, having sex. Instead we were running around from shop to shop because he had to run some errands. I didn't like it at all although I didn't say anything I showed it to him really clearly, which I regret now (I shouldn't have ruined the mood in the last hours before we have to say goodbye for 3 weeks). By showing I mean that I almost didn't talk and made a really sad face
He was right, you were acting ridiculous. You do not know how to communicate constructively with your SO, and if you don't learn, you are going to find yourself alone. This is all on you.
Don't think anything about it, OP. Enjoy your time with your parents, give him time to work off some steam, and assume/hope it blows over. Don't keep bringing it up and harping on it. Let it go, then check in with him as Christmas nears. Give him space.
Just curious, did you guys discuss your plans for the day before all that started? Did he know you wanted some downtime for togetherness and sex? In my limited observation/experience, it's the woman who tends to plan for sex, while the guy has his mind on running errands, doing chores or puttering around the hardware store. I find that interesting.
zentropa, I know it was my fault, I never doubted it was- But it's not like it's been always like this, it actually never has- I just lost it that time. If he was the one who would have screwed it up I would forgive him.
Ruth, no, we didn't discuss plans. Somehow I assumed we'd have the same mindset and I felt kind of insulted in that moment when we ran to random stores because he wanted to buy stuff he could have bought on any other day. I thought he also wanted to spend quality time with me without having to mention it. Now I know that was wrong.
ive always said, you dont know someone, til you want to set them afire... (get in a fight)
its how you resolve a conflict that matters..
in one corner we have someone who throws out breaking up,
in the other corner we have fire and ice
write a letter, tell him ,,,you were both wrong,,,apologize, but do believe you need some time apart,,to heal the words and wounds....
tell him two months apart may do him some good, he is free to go out with his buddies and you are free to go out with the girls
Ruth, no, we didn't discuss plans. Somehow I assumed we'd have the same mindset and I felt kind of insulted in that moment when we ran to random stores because he wanted to buy stuff he could have bought on any other day. I thought he also wanted to spend quality time with me without having to mention it. Now I know that was wrong.
I see what you mean, about assuming you were both on the same page, then being hurt. Well, now you know it's important to touch base with your SO re: your expectations. Consider it a learning experience.
I think that at which point he's ready to discuss it (like I said, give him time), you should explain to him just what you said here, in a neutral voice, not an accusing voice. Tell him what you had planned for the day, and that you're sorry you failed to communicate that. I'd be curious to see how he reacts. He might be momentarily speechless at learning that a nice, leisurely round of sex had been an option for the day.
I agree, you shouldn't have brought up the breaking up part (especially on your first argument) shows you're inability to work things out-- its like saying "I give up", easily.
Im sure things will be ok. Give him time to whine and cool down
zentropa, I know it was my fault, I never doubted it was- But it's not like it's been always like this, it actually never has- I just lost it that time. If he was the one who would have screwed it up I would forgive him.
Ruth, no, we didn't discuss plans. Somehow I assumed we'd have the same mindset and I felt kind of insulted in that moment when we ran to random stores because he wanted to buy stuff he could have bought on any other day. I thought he also wanted to spend quality time with me without having to mention it. Now I know that was wrong.
You behaved VERY immaturely.
You ASSUMED he would be able to read your mind about how you wanted to spend your last hours instead of telling him in advance.
You POUTED when you did not get what you wanted instead of expressing your feelings plainly.
I like Ruth's plan of leaving him alone for a few days, then contacting him around Christmas. You really need to learn about mature, adult communication.
I kinda find it alarming that he maintained his cold stance when you broke down crying. Men usually fall for that stuff. The fact he called you out on crying and added names to it, might show you something about him. Women are gonna cry, especially after a big fight. And that's when we are supposed to back down a little instinctually and give in, some. Unless you did something really bad. LOL.
I think you acted somewhat immature for not just telling him what you wanted and building up steam that he did not read your mind. But his lack of empathy when you backed off and began crying is a bit alarming to me.
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The fact he called you out on crying and added names to it, might show you something about him. Women are gonna cry, especially after a big fight. And that's when we are supposed to back down a little instinctually and give in, some. Unless you did something really bad. LOL. 
