Disposable marriage (dating, wife, long-term, women)
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Is it just me, or are we becoming increasingly accustom/encouraged to dispose/upgrade/improve our lives. We get the newest biggest flat screen , the latest Smart Phone, the fastest car. IMHO this is becoming the norm when it comes to marriages as well. People are giving up and “disposing” of a marriage that might just need a little love/attention/commitment/care/effort/respect. This issue has been weighing heavily on my heart. I've seen 4 long term & 3 short term relationships in the past year fail. Only one of the couples have put true effort into trying to save their marriage . 3 men in the long term marriages moved on to other relationships 1 guy within a month and the other 2 within 6 months maximum. The short term relationships most the ladies and men moved on quickly. When I talked to the females in the long term relationship most knew things weren't going well but they didn't see the end coming , they still thought it was worth the fight. When I spoke to the males in the long term relationships 2 cheated, 2 got tried of the struggle, they all complained of feeling controlled, unimportant , not being trusted, feeling emasculated , controlled by sex. The females had complaints of not being heard, cared for , feeling insecure , unappreciated. It scares me to see couples that have long histories fall apart and heart stopping to hear that my female friends were blind to the problems. Do you know anyone that is going through this? Is this the norm when it comes to marriages, just upgrade/ dispose of any problem relationships? Do you think people are giving up and “disposing” of a marriage that might just need love/attention/commitment/care/effort/respect? What are you doing to keep marriage alive and growing? Is it more likely for men to move on quickly?
Marriage is work. I've been married for 20 years and it is a lot of compromise and sacrifice. On both sides. Some couples are willing to do others aren't.
I know there are times I give in even if I don't want to and same with my wife.
I believe in working on a marriage and trying everything you feel you can before giving up, but it almost seems common to hear that long term couples have separated...
I believe in working on a marriage and trying everything you feel you can before giving up, but it almost seems common to hear that long term couples have separated...
That may be because you notice it more. You don't notice all the long-term couples around you who have stayed together forever. That doesn't grab people's attention as much as a sensational divorce.
3 men in the long term marriages moved on to other relationships 1 guy within a month and the other 2 within 6 months maximum. The short term relationships most the ladies and men moved on quickly. When I talked to the females in the long term relationship most knew things weren't going well but they didn't see the end coming , they still thought it was worth the fight. When I spoke to the males in the long term relationships 2 cheated, 2 got tried of the struggle, they all complained of feeling controlled, unimportant , not being trusted, feeling emasculated , controlled by sex. The females had complaints of not being heard, cared for , feeling insecure , unappreciated. It scares me to see couples that have long histories fall apart and heart stopping to hear that my female friends were blind to the problems.
It doesn't sound like anyone was blind.
From what you describe, it sounds like the men and women were both unhappy, and for many similar reasons (feeling unappreciated and unimportant, for example). But, from what you say, the women were willing to work the problems out and the men are not. Some of the men took steps to burn their bridges by cheating.
It sounds to me like you are describing couples where the women thought feeling bad in a relationship much of the time was to be expected and fairly normal, and the men did not -- and the women thought problems were solvable and the men didn't.
And yes, I think those are pretty common patterns. Women tend to learn more skills for solving interpersonal problems, growing up, so they tend to see such things as fixable and men tend to see them as unchangeable. And men are brought up with higher expectations of happiness and good treatment in home life. Of course these are broad generalities and people vary.
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Is it more likely for men to move on quickly?
Yes. Men often get a lot of pressure from their guy friends to drown their sorrow by banging another woman. I have not ever seen this actually work, but they try it for a while before moving on to more effective techniques.
Women's friends, OTOH, are more likely to advise them to take a break from dating and process their grief. But it can go the other way too, of course.
That may be because you notice it more. You don't notice all the long-term couples around you who have stayed together forever. That doesn't grab people's attention as much as a sensational divorce.
I see a lot of friends that have stayed together but it just seems more and more of my friends and I have seen our friends and families falling apart and buying into "newer is better" attitude. And they weren't blind sided but they just didn't think things were that bad or out of control.
I see a lot of friends that have stayed together but it just seems more and more of my friends and I have seen our friends and families falling apart and buying into "newer is better" attitude. And they weren't blind sided but they just didn't think things were that bad or out of control.
I've never heard of the "newer is better" attitude. Is this a generational thing? The new trend? Jeez, I hope not. But don't worry, people don't all think alike. Some people are wise enough to stick it out. I think it's more common that a couple will allow problems to fester before seeking help, so that by the time they get to the marriage counselor's office (IF they get there), it's already too late.
But there are a lot of people making poor marriage choices in the first place, so it catches up with them sooner or later.
From what you describe, it sounds like the men and women were both unhappy, and for many similar reasons (feeling unappreciated and unimportant, for example). But, from what you say, the women were willing to work the problems out and the men are not. Some of the men took steps to burn their bridges by cheating.
It sounds to me like you are describing couples where the women thought feeling bad in a relationship much of the time was to be expected and fairly normal, and the men did not -- and the women thought problems were solvable and the men didn't.
And yes, I think those are pretty common patterns. Women tend to learn more skills for solving interpersonal problems, growing up, so they tend to see such things as fixable and men tend to see them as unchangeable. And men are brought up with higher expectations of happiness and good treatment in home life. Of course these are broad generalities and people vary.
Yes. Men often get a lot of pressure from their guy friends to drown their sorrow by banging another woman. I have not ever seen this actually work, but they try it for a while before moving on to more effective techniques.
Women's friends, OTOH, are more likely to advise them to take a break from dating and process their grief. But it can go the other way too, of course.
Just because you're unhappy IMHO doesn't mean you should throw it all away. None of these couple really can say they've done everything they could to save the relationship.
I think a lot of the problems was stubbornness the need to be right and believing a different partner will be easier.
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