Disposable marriage (men, cheated, husbands, engagement)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Something that I observe: when a man leaves a marriage, or has an affair, and gets a new romance, he will pay romantic attention to the new woman. If he had paid half that much attention to the ex-wife, they very well might not have broken up and the marriage might very well still be good..
I agree with you I don't understand how or why people can put extra attention into a person they don't know but they can't put forth the same effort for someone they've claimed to love at some time in their life...
Just because you're unhappy IMHO doesn't mean you should throw it all away.
This is so very true. The relationship itself is not always the source of the unhappiness. We have to be careful to understand that how we feel is just that. Its how we individually feel. My personal feelings about myself can affect my relationship. Maybe if I am feeling less secure as a man my instinct is to expect more ego strokes from my wife. And then she doesn't respond the way I think she should and all of sudden we have "issues" with our marriage.
However, say the source of my insecurity is dissatisfaction with my career. Is that really a marriage issue? Is it right to want my wife to pick up the slack and make me "feel" better about myself? Its great if she tries, but is that really her responsibility?
I've seen this very issue play out with family and friends. At what point does each person have a responsibility for his or her own personal happiness? Yes, mates can be the source of discord. But sometimes we are expecting others to cover up major personal issues we have never address individually. We just think falling in love will cover it all up. It doesn't. Love is no magic bullet.
It would appear many contemplate Divorce before or on par with working on the relationship. Divorce should be a last resort. Although there are few reasons, and I mean few for immediate divorce consideration.
It would appear the general populous treats marriage like really nice expensive shoes, really nice and favorable for a good while however after signs of a few nicks, bruises, time and some direst-it's on to the new feel good.
Oddly, I feel the phrase "work smarter, not harder" has distorted our perceptual vision.
some situations, simply may be remedied with working "harder"!
We have become a fearful, self indulgent society. We no longer communicate with each other effectively, and as anyone who has been married can tell you: Marriage is all about communication.
I would caution the OP about judging the intimate relationships of others. Please keep in mind that they don't owe you any sort of explanation, and they may very well be keeping many private details, well...private.
I myself was very critical of people who got divorced - till I divorced my ex husband for cheating on me with women he'd meet online and then hook up with at the casinos. The reasons for the divorce were so embarrassing and so, well, distasteful and stupid, that I didn't feel that I owed anyone an explanation - when possible I was always as vague as possible. This might have led people to believe that my reasons for divorcing him weren't "legit" or that I didn't "try hard enough to save my marriage" - but my conscience is totally clear. I know how hard I tried, and that's really all that matters. Frankly, I didn't (and still don't) care what other people thought about me. Oh, and after ten miserable years of trying to keep that marriage together, I was done grieving by the time the divorce was final. I started dating shortly thereafter and within a year I met the man who would become my husband. We married ten months after we met, and we've been very happily married now for 8 years.
And yes - he's an upgrade. He's a MUCH better man than my exhusband ever thought about being. I'm an upgrade for him as well (he was married 17 years to a woman who defines "hell on wheels") and we both feel incredibly blessed.
While I agree that we have, in many ways, become a disposable society, I don't think it extends to marriage. Anyone with any familiarity at all with the divorce process knows how utterly brutal it is. I've worked in family law. Believe me, divorce is the last thing most people try, not the first...
While I agree that we have, in many ways, become a disposable society, I don't think it extends to marriage. Anyone with any familiarity at all with the divorce process knows how utterly brutal it is. I've worked in family law. Believe me, divorce is the last thing most people try, not the first...
So true. Don't believe the hype that people get divorces like teenagers break up in high school. Many people actually stay in marriages MUCH longer than they should because they fear what will happen if a divorce occurs.
The fact more people resort to divorce these days I do not think is a sign that marriage is now seen as "disposable" by the vast majority at all.
I think it is a sign that as a culture, women are now more easily able to resort to divorce because they have more opportunity to earn a living wage and be independent.
My previous marriage was so miserable. But I was determined to stick it out and make the best of it. This created an emotional state of resentment and anger toward people who chose to end their miserable marriages - I felt like "If I can stick with this state of affairs, surely nearly everybody else ought to be able to hang in there." This was, of course, a subconscious thought. Consciously - in retrospect I realize how sanctimonious my mindset was - how judgmental I was being. After going through the hell of dismantling an entire life (well, two lives - well, more than two lives apparently - LOL), the emotional and financial devastation, the upheaval, the embarrassment, etc I finally realized that when it comes to the judging the relationships of others, well, I'll leave that between them and their Maker and stay out of it.
And anyone who thinks that starting to date again in your forties is glamorous or fun or exciting...well, I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona that I can sell you at a real bargain price.
The fact more people resort to divorce these days I do not think is a sign that marriage is now seen as "disposable" by the vast majority at all.
I think it is a sign that as a culture, women are now more easily able to resort to divorce because they have more opportunity to earn a living wage and be independent.
I agree with this totally! I am so grateful to live in a no-fault divorce state (Texas). Why on earth should I have to PROVE or explain the intensely personal reasons for wanting a divorce to the STATE? I don't owe the damn government any sort of explanation as to why my marriage isn't working! It's not that "no one is at fault" - it's simply a matter of not having to PROVE fault to some government official, go through the emotional and expensive ordeal of a long drawn out court ordeal, all the while paying attorneys who don't give a rat's arse about me or my marriage...what a travesty.
I don't think that it's always DIVORCE that's the problem - usually it's behaviors within the MARRIAGE. Big difference. Now people have more options and frankly, they don't have to put up with the things they used to feel they had to tolerate - abuse, adultery, addictions, that sort of serious thing.
Homie don't play dat.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
