Disposable marriage (wives, girlfriends, guy, older)
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I see too many people that are a terrible match try to save a marriage because society tells them that all marriages are worth saving. As far as I can tell many of these people are a bad match from day one. Apparently, they get married when they are on the newness high? I would say 1/4 of the married people I work with should not be together! Maybe, they had 1 good year, and thats probably giving them to much credit.
When I decided to get divorced, my dad made me feel so much better when he told me, "Divorce is the RIGHT decision - marrying him was the wrong decision. You're correcting a bad decision. Be strong!"
When I decided to get divorced, my dad made me feel so much better when he told me, "Divorce is the RIGHT decision - marrying him was the wrong decision. You're correcting a bad decision. Be strong!"
You have the benefit of having a bad one and having a good one. I'm sure the second one is all the sweeter when you have the first to compare it against.
I had heard that 2nd marriages are often better? I know my mom thinks so.
You have the benefit of having a bad one and having a good one. I'm sure the second one is all the sweeter when you have the first to compare it against.
I had heard that 2nd marriages are often better? I know my mom thinks so.
I think that second marriages can be better - if you take the time to fix whatever got you into a bad marriage the first go 'round. Even if the first partner was the "guilty party," you have to figure out WHY you married a person who would act that way to begin with and then fix that in yourself. THEN the second marriage can be MUCH better.
My husband and I not only addressed our own faults and took responsibility for our own actions before we met, after we started dating seriously we completed a course on marriage together - and found to our great delight that we share the same values, expectations, interests (though we also have very some very different interests as well).
I think one thing that can really mess up ANY relationship - friendship, romantic, or professional - is when the people involved EXPECT something different. In other words, surprises. Small example - what do you expect when it comes to vacations? For some people that's a BIG THING each year and they expect a huge trip, nice hotels, visiting foreign countries, etc. Some people prefer a much more low key approach, or even a stay-cation, or they don't even LIKE taking vacations. Some people expect to spend holidays with extended family, while others can't imagine more than a few hours during the holidays to be spent with extended family. In our case, my husband often WORKS during holidays, sometimes out of the country, so if I'd come into the marriage expecting idyllic holidays together, I would have been sorely disappointed and maybe even resentful.
Who takes out the trash? How do you expect to discipline kids? How much money do you save out of each paycheck? How do you feel about credit cards? For that matter, what's your credit score and how or why is it that particular score? Do you expect to take in your parents when they become elderly, or do you expect them to live in assisted living? How would you handle a situation of an adult child wanting to move back home? Do you expect to the woman to stay home when the kids are little? Are you OK with the MAN staying home when kids are little?
All these sorts of questions - and a thousand more - need to be addressed BEFORE engagement in my opinion - before the venue has been booked and the invitations printed.
I see too many people that are a terrible match try to save a marriage because society tells them that all marriages are worth saving. As far as I can tell many of these people are a bad match from day one. Apparently, they get married when they are on the newness high? I would say 1/4 of the married people I work with should not be together! Maybe, they had 1 good year, and thats probably giving them to much credit.
That's certainly the case for many. For others I think it's because they get married too young, when brains, personalities, and values are still developing. People who are compatible at 20 are often not the same people who are compatible at 30.
I agree with you I don't understand how or why people can put extra attention into a person they don't know but they can't put forth the same effort for someone they've claimed to love at some time in their life...
Is it just me, or are we becoming increasingly accustom/encouraged to dispose/upgrade/improve our lives. We get the newest biggest flat screen , the latest Smart Phone, the fastest car. IMHO this is becoming the norm when it comes to marriages as well. People are giving up and “disposing” of a marriage that might just need a little love/attention/commitment/care/effort/respect. This issue has been weighing heavily on my heart. I've seen 4 long term & 3 short term relationships in the past year fail. Only one of the couples have put true effort into trying to save their marriage . 3 men in the long term marriages moved on to other relationships 1 guy within a month and the other 2 within 6 months maximum. The short term relationships most the ladies and men moved on quickly. When I talked to the females in the long term relationship most knew things weren't going well but they didn't see the end coming , they still thought it was worth the fight. When I spoke to the males in the long term relationships 2 cheated, 2 got tried of the struggle, they all complained of feeling controlled, unimportant , not being trusted, feeling emasculated , controlled by sex. The females had complaints of not being heard, cared for , feeling insecure , unappreciated. It scares me to see couples that have long histories fall apart and heart stopping to hear that my female friends were blind to the problems. Do you know anyone that is going through this? Is this the norm when it comes to marriages, just upgrade/ dispose of any problem relationships? Do you think people are giving up and “disposing” of a marriage that might just need love/attention/commitment/care/effort/respect? What are you doing to keep marriage alive and growing? Is it more likely for men to move on quickly?
I know several couples going through this. Time will tell what happens. It takes a lot of strength to stay and work to improve your marriage, to stay yet not work on your marriage, or to divorce. They are all hard things to do.
I would caution the OP about judging the intimate relationships of others. Please keep in mind that they don't owe you any sort of explanation, and they may very well be keeping many private details, well...private.
I myself was very critical of people who got divorced - till I divorced my ex husband for cheating on me with women he'd meet online and then hook up with at the casinos. The reasons for the divorce were so embarrassing and so, well, distasteful and stupid, that I didn't feel that I owed anyone an explanation - when possible I was always as vague as possible. This might have led people to believe that my reasons for divorcing him weren't "legit" or that I didn't "try hard enough to save my marriage" - but my conscience is totally clear. I know how hard I tried, and that's really all that matters. Frankly, I didn't (and still don't) care what other people thought about me. Oh, and after ten miserable years of trying to keep that marriage together, I was done grieving by the time the divorce was final. I started dating shortly thereafter and within a year I met the man who would become my husband. We married ten months after we met, and we've been very happily married now for 8 years.
And yes - he's an upgrade. He's a MUCH better man than my exhusband ever thought about being. I'm an upgrade for him as well (he was married 17 years to a woman who defines "hell on wheels") and we both feel incredibly blessed.
Kathryn I'm not saying everyone should stay in their marriage. If you are unhappy and you've put true effort into fixing the marriage than I understand. It's not just an assumption I've talked to almost all the wifes and husbands in the relationships and they've said themselves that they didn't try everything to save the marriage.
I know several couples going through this. Time will tell what happens. It takes a lot of strength to stay and work to improve your marriage, to stay yet not work on your marriage, or to divorce. They are all hard choices to make.
I'd never suggest anyone stay and be unhappy and live in a loveless marriage but , try, try to do everything in your power to save what you once held precious. If you are not putting in the effort how do you know what it could have been? Work on it if not move on but give an effort
I'd never suggest anyone stay and be unhappy and live in a loveless marriage but , try, try to do everything in your power to save what you once held precious. If you are not putting in the effort how do you know what it could have been? Work on it if not move on but give an effort
At this point, I don't knock anyone, even if they stay unhappily married. There is something honorable in staying committed too. I also don't knock those who leave. That takes balls.
Some people don't want to work on improving. That's too hard or takes too much work or that person is not worth it or something. That is something you just have to accept, that some people refuse to work at marriage, especially if it's never going to dissolve in their minds anyway. Some people just want things to stay how they are.
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