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I'll be the first to admit my flaws, I am terrible at reading the subtleties of emotions. In addition, while I can easily empathize with another person, when I speak and listen I am heavily focused on the literal meaning of things, because that's the best way I can communicate. As a result, regardless of my intentions, on rare occasions women have told me that I have hurt their feelings.
Supposedly, one of the more significant reasons for divorce and adultery is the husband's failure to address emotional needs. Is there literature that I can read on meeting emotional needs?
THK. Don't just listen to what she says. Listen to what she's really trying to say. It's really not that freaking hard.
I am hard-of hearing. If I don't focus my attention on *just listening* it can sound like gibberish to me. I often have to tell people to repeat what they said, because I literally need to listen to them, reading lips if needed.
For the record, I do wear hearing aids, but hearing aids don't give you perfect hearing of constants.
It really is freaking hard. Well maybe not freaking, since I can hear people without having them need to repeat themselves once I give them full attention.
Unfortunately, too many gals expect a guy to read their mind and "just know" what it is she wants, or what it is she's complaining about.
Other than just being a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board, you can always 'ask' what is upsetting her; however, many times a gal really has no idea, and isn't sure what she wants you to do, and you'll get convoluted replies.
If you're told that you hurt their feelings, ask what it was you said, or didn't say that hurt them; and if they don't tell you, then they are part of the problem for once again expecting you to be a mind reader.
How does one "listen" though? Do they reply to what is being said, or do they just sit there saying, "I know, I understand." 50 times during the conversation?
I am hard-of hearing. If I don't focus my attention on *just listening* it can sound like gibberish to me. I often have to tell people to repeat what they said, because I literally need to listen to them, reading lips if needed.
For the record, I do wear hearing aids, but hearing aids don't give you perfect hearing of constants.
It really is freaking hard. Well maybe not freaking, since I can hear people without having them need to repeat themselves once I give them full attention.
Work on this here!!
A big component to being in a relationship and growing is listening to your SO. That doesn't mean trying to analyze of fix their problems. It just means that you really need to pay attention to them and what they say. Just as you would expect them to do with that you say. If they tell you something, they are doing so because it is important to them and you need to treat it as such.
As for being emotionally "supportive," I would best simplify it as being "on their side" when they have a problem. That doesn't mean you need to be a repair man or a white knight to their problem. You just have to listen, be with them, be there for them, be helpful and available IF they want or need your help, or empowering if they want to handle it on their own.
Pretend you are in class listening to an instructor or some other important person. Right? Take notes if necessary. I really don't get this male play that "we can't understand women or listen to them" and the women who play into the role of we (women) supposed don't know why we are upset. SOME women, not all. If I am upset, for example, I know why and can tell you the source of the problem clearly. Ask questions if you need clarification...you know, like you do with people at work or any other relationship.
I'll be the first to admit my flaws, I am terrible at reading the subtleties of emotions. In addition, while I can easily empathize with another person, when I speak and listen I am heavily focused on the literal meaning of things, because that's the best way I can communicate. As a result, regardless of my intentions, on rare occasions women have told me that I have hurt their feelings.
Supposedly, one of the more significant reasons for divorce and adultery is the husband's failure to address emotional needs. Is there literature that I can read on meeting emotional needs?
Are you on the autism spectrum, because that would make sense if you are always focused on literal meanings and don't understand emotions.
Can you give an example of how you might have responded in a way that caused hurt feelings when you didn't mean to? Did they tell you what you said and how it upset you?
I think that one of the great gender divides is that when a woman has an issue, she wants to be heard and listened to, and typically the man's response is to think he needs to come up with a solution and fix the problem. In the heat of her upset is not when she wants a solution, she wants an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. When she is calmer, it might be worth asking if there's anything he can do to help, rather than trying to rush in, override her feelings, and solve the problem for her.
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