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I (27M) have known her (24F) for 2 years. Things got serious six months ago, but we were forced to do long distance for much of the time until now; I have relocated to her city in another country to be with her. We are both aware that the other has been in one serious (for me, 4.5 years) relationship and had a few but not many other partners besides, but have generally spared each other specific details of what's gone on in each other's bedrooms.
Toward the beginning of the two years that I've spent time with her, things were getting hot and heavy when she dutifully told me she had been casually seeing someone. Understandably, this is not a big deal for some people but for me it kind of kills the vibe; firstly, I have a somewhat narcissistic personality and don't care to share, and secondly, I value using considerable discretion in selecting sexual partners because the risk/reward of hooking up seems unfavorable.
Yesterday I was at a get-together for many of her friends, whom I was meeting for the first time. Conversation turned to a couple of funny sex-related mishap anecdotes when she made a comment that inspired one of her friends to reference such a story involving my partner. Eventually she said that the story wasn't that bad and permitted her friend to tell it in my company.
To my surprise, the story involved some of the not-quite-vanilla details of performing fellatio and having intercourse with a previous boyfriend. It is not as though I ever thought of myself as her first, or take issue with anything that may have occurred in her past. For me, the details of long since completed sexual relationships are taboo unless requested and I think it's just physically healthier to not share them. It was a bit of a shock that her friends thought it was reasonable to spew this info shortly after meeting me, and that she, who I thought knew me better, wouldn't mind them doing so.
How can I make her understand how this makes me feel without coming off as immature? Or am I just being too illogical and petty and need to work on my mental fortitude?
Her age makes her think it's no big deal. Once she gets older she'll realize it's kind of an unwritten rule to not bring up or ask about sexual history. As for me, I don't really have an answer because I'd have a "WTF" face going on myself.
I (27M) have known her (24F) for 2 years. Things got serious six months ago, but we were forced to do long distance for much of the time until now; I have relocated to her city in another country to be with her. We are both aware that the other has been in one serious (for me, 4.5 years) relationship and had a few but not many other partners besides, but have generally spared each other specific details of what's gone on in each other's bedrooms.
Toward the beginning of the two years that I've spent time with her, things were getting hot and heavy when she dutifully told me she had been casually seeing someone. Understandably, this is not a big deal for some people but for me it kind of kills the vibe; firstly, I have a somewhat narcissistic personality and don't care to share, and secondly, I value using considerable discretion in selecting sexual partners because the risk/reward of hooking up seems unfavorable.
Yesterday I was at a get-together for many of her friends, whom I was meeting for the first time. Conversation turned to a couple of funny sex-related mishap anecdotes when she made a comment that inspired one of her friends to reference such a story involving my partner. Eventually she said that the story wasn't that bad and permitted her friend to tell it in my company.
To my surprise, the story involved some of the not-quite-vanilla details of performing fellatio and having intercourse with a previous boyfriend. It is not as though I ever thought of myself as her first, or take issue with anything that may have occurred in her past. For me, the details of long since completed sexual relationships are taboo unless requested and I think it's just physically healthier to not share them. It was a bit of a shock that her friends thought it was reasonable to spew this info shortly after meeting me, and that she, who I thought knew me better, wouldn't mind them doing so.
How can I make her understand how this makes me feel without coming off as immature? Or am I just being too illogical and petty and need to work on my mental fortitude?
You can't.
The best you can do is talk to her about your preference for discretion and how you would rather not have to hear details of her former sex life in mixed company.
And you might want to add that you would not appreciate her sharing details of your sex life with her friends, which she apparently has a habit of doing,
To me that is the red flag--not what she has done but her disregard for other people's privacy.
And you might want to add that you would not appreciate her sharing details of your sex life with her friends, which she apparently has a habit of doing,
To me that is the red flag--not what she has done but her disregard for other people's privacy.
I thought EVERY girl did that with her friends? I've come to expect it.
Her age makes her think it's no big deal. Once she gets older she'll realize it's kind of an unwritten rule to not bring up or ask about sexual history. As for me, I don't really have an answer because I'd have a "WTF" face going on myself.
I thought EVERY girl did that with her friends? I've come to expect it.
Different people have different boundaries. For me, my private life is private, and I'd consider it a violation of my partner's privacy to be discussing our sex life casually with other people.
And you might want to add that you would not appreciate her sharing details of your sex life with her friends, which she apparently has a habit of doing,
To me that is the red flag--not what she has done but her disregard for other people's privacy.
^^^^ This
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