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I am in need of some objective advice and would appreciate any feedback I can get.
The guy I am seeing has always been a hard nut to crack. Emotionally distant, uncommunicative and harsh with his words towards me. He told me that he knew these were issues he had and that he was working on them and that he was hoping that we could work on them together and to please be patient with him as we progressed in our relationship. He cited the reason for these issues was a very harsh childhood- which from what he's told me of his childhood is reason enough to be this way- the man had a very abusive situation growing up, enough to make people cry. It is his story so I won't retell it here, but that is something I kept in mind as we have been together.
I am a very affectionate person who enjoys talking and getting to know people. I also thrive on touch, holding hands, kissing, hugs etc. I also am very sensitive to harsh words, and even sometimes not so harsh words can be painful for me to hear and these characteristics have been difficult as he seems to be too rough in many ways for me to handle emotionally. We have talked about this issue multiple times in the three months we have been together and he has told me to just accept him as he is and allow him to "joke" around, but that he would try harder to be more gentle with my feelings.
My issue is his "jokes" often seem like jabs at me. For example, one night he wanted cookies so I baked them for him. He tasted one and said that they were fine, but that I had cooked them too long and he hated crisp cookies, so he threw them away. I then proceeded to make another batch of cookies, this time tweaking the recipe. Again I met with criticism and this time I spoke up and told him how hurtful his words and actions were, that I was doing something nice for him and that he should just be appreciative and next time we would work on the recipe together to get it right to where he liked the cookies. He told me that I couldn't take criticism and that he was just joking with me and that he needed to be himself and I wasn't appreciating that or allowing it in the relationship. I was upset after this and got teary eyed and then he said that I was lucky he was older because if he was younger he wouldn't take my drama.
Scenarios like this keep happening. I have told him outright that things like this are not ok. These reactions have shut down my desire to do things for him and now he complains that I don't love him and that I have changed, and I have, in that I won't sit there and bake two batches of cookies to please him anymore, and I walk out more often to prove my point and stand up for myself. When I do that he sends very sweet text messages apologizing and saying the sweetest things, but when I go back to his house he acts the same.
My question is, how patient should a girl be when it comes to someone who is so obviously emotionally damaged? He says that I am the longest girlfriend he has ever had and that he loves me and wants me to move in with him, but at this point that would be my worst nightmare because of his behavior. I do have feelings left for him, but they are quickly being extinguished....
Keep in mind that whatever a person's issues are, they usually try to be on their best behavior in the early months of a new relationship. This guy is throwing out cookies you make him when he's only been with you 3 months? How bad will he be in 3 years?
Don't expect it to get any better. It's possible that he may be accurate and you might be too sensitive or dramatic (we don't know you, so who knows?) But it's pretty clear that your sensitivity combined with his "harshness" are not a good combo. It's possible that he could have a workable relationship with someone else who is emotionally distant, with a biting sense of humor, but even though I'm kind of like that, I'd been really angry about his behavior as you describe. Maybe a little hurt, but mostly angry. How dare he treat me that way! Your reaction seems more hurt, and that can be dangerous with some people, as it conveys that you don't feel entitled to be treated with respect, and that you may just "try harder" to please him. There is the possibly that this guy is a potential abuser, and this is the early stages of "testing" whether you will tolerate his behavior, and allow him to escalate it.
You seem like a very caring person, and perhaps you have this notion that you can "help" him or "fix" him, or join with him to "overcome his past". You can't.
He's working on his issues? How? Is he in therapy? If not, he should be. This guy sounds like a potential emotional abuser. It won't get better over time, unless he makes a major commitment to therapy, and even then, it might be better for you to take a break until he's made some progress on his own.
What abusers do is commit some egregious act, then sweet talk you (or beg you, depending on how egregious the act) into staying in the relationship. This is a red flag, imo.
Give him a year or two to seriously work on his issues in a clinical setting, while you take a break for a year, for your own peace of mind. If he's not willing to get professional help, move on. Maybe you should move on anyway, regardless.
My question is, how patient should a girl be when it comes to someone who is so obviously emotionally damaged?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gallardia44
He says that I am the longest girlfriend he has ever had and that he loves me and wants me to move in with him, but at this point that would be my worst nightmare because of his behavior. I do have feelings left for him, but they are quickly being extinguished....
I think you answered your own question. Does it seem like he's actually trying? And how old is he that his longest relationship has only been 3 months?
Meh. I'm sorry but you re-made cookies for him after he complained after the first batch and threw them out?? Seriously... I mean people only treat you how you allow them to.. Bad childhood or not, don't ever let a guy treat you like sh**. End it now.
A bad childhood is awful, but it's not an excuse to treat people like crap for the rest of your life. If he really has issues stemming from his childhood, then he should seek therapy to help him work through them. It sounds to me like that's an excuse he's giving you so he can treat you poorly and have you put up with it because you feel sorry for him. If I made cookies for a guy and he threw them out and insulted me, I would be extremely upset and I am not prone to being offended easily. That is REALLY rude and completely unacceptable behavior. A guy who cares about you would choke down the cookies even if they were burnt to a crisp because he would not want to hurt your feelings.
At 3 months you should be crazy about each other. That's the honeymoon part of a relationship. If you are already having such problems and reservations, then I don't think this is the right relationship for you. Also, you show people how to treat you. When he threw those cookies out, you should have told him what an ungrateful jerk he is and left immediately. You would have shown him you're not going to tolerate being disrespected. BUT, instead you made him MORE cookies showing him he can treat you poorly and you'll put up with it. In fact, you'll just try even harder.
IMO, this is not a healthy relationship. Please think enough of yourself not to put up with this kind of behavior. There are plenty of guys out there who would be absolutely thrilled a woman made them cookies even if they tasted horrible!
Reread the second sentence of your second paragraph. I think you both are very different people and need to be in different relationships. You need someone more affectionate and caring. He needs someone who is on his level, meaning they can take criticism and throw it back at him if he's being a jerk. I've met many people like this, and they are in great relationships as long as they're with someone similar to them.
You don't have to be patient at all. If things are already this way, they aren't going to change. It's obvious that this person is set in their ways, and you are as well. I would move on.
Thank you for the feedback everyone. After reading my own post I can't believe I did that, you are right when you say that I allowed him to treat me this way. I'll jot that down to experience and not make that mistake again. I am breaking up with this guy. Thanks again.
I have dated men from abusive backgrounds and NOT ONE of them has ever made ME feel like crap because of it. Quite the contrary, as a matter of fact.
Your boyfriend didn't rise above what happened to him - he internalized it. Those little jabs he makes at you? They're meant to keep you in your place. I had a boyfriend who did this (who was not abused), and it took me forever to recognize what he was doing. They are the mark of an insecure person, and you are never going to fix that for him.
Dump him and find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated rather than taking their bad experiences out on you.
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