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View Poll Results: Is it okay to keep in touch with your ex while in a new relationship?
No 7 58.33%
Yes 2 16.67%
Maybe 3 25.00%
Voters: 12. You may not vote on this poll

Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 12-26-2013, 12:50 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,934 posts, read 36,050,028 times
Reputation: 40602

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Damn, lots of people here really aren't friends with people they date. That makes me sad for them, and happy that with most of the people I've dated I've had real friendships as the basis of the relationships.

Shoot, I'm still friends with my first girlfriend from 25 years ago. We went to the movies last weekend.

(There are good reasons, such as mental/emotional/physical abuse to no longer be friends with someone, but outside of that, the idea of just not liking a person anymore and not enjoying talking to them? ugh).

 
Old 12-26-2013, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Terra
2,826 posts, read 3,920,071 times
Reputation: 3372
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Damn, lots of people here really aren't friends with people they date. That makes me sad for them, and happy that with most of the people I've dated I've had real friendships as the basis of the relationships.

Shoot, I'm still friends with my first girlfriend from 25 years ago. We went to the movies last weekend.

(There are good reasons, such as mental/emotional/physical abuse to no longer be friends with someone, but outside of that, the idea of just not liking a person anymore and not enjoying talking to them? ugh).
We're all glad to hear your dating history is perfect. Please, tell us more.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 12:55 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 50,263,228 times
Reputation: 62626
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali85 View Post
I should have also added this fun fact.

He still has some of his ex's belongings in his apartment that I've asked him to get rid of. They've been broken up for over a year and he tells me he never has the time to clean and get rid of whatever else she left behind. Whenever I come in through the door to his apartment, I'm greeted by an old tote bag of hers with some mail that's sitting on the steps. And when I stay over, I'm sharing a bedroom with him and with a plastic filing cabinet of hers that contains cards, pictures, pay stubs and whatever else of hers that is parked right in the middle of his bedroom.

I asked him about a week before our argument to get rid of her stuff since he's with me now going on 7 months. He said he'd get rid of it and it's all still sitting there.

Kind of sent up a red flag for me, and now I'm being accused of have emotional/controlling issues because I've asked him to get rid of her stuff and cut all ties.
This "red flag" belongs to you and you alone.
He is not required to give up a friend because you are his girlfriend no matter if they were engaged, married, lived together etc.

YOU are the one on HIS COMPUTER without HIS permission and SNOOPING.

The moment you "flew off the handle" at me about MY personal emails on MY computer is the moment you and all the crap that came with you would be tossed in the street.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 01:05 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,934 posts, read 36,050,028 times
Reputation: 40602
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsun556 View Post
We're all glad to hear your dating history is perfect. Please, tell us more.

Who said it is perfect? The dating relationships ended.

I just don't get (and generally don't date) people that are only spending time with someone for the sex and therefore stop hanging out when there is no more sex occurring.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,196 posts, read 26,656,496 times
Reputation: 15454
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali85 View Post
Got into a huge argument with my boyfriend of 7 months over the weekend after I found out he's been chit chatting with his ex g/f. While I was over his apartment, he ended up falling asleep and I went onto his computer to log into my amazon account to check the shipment status of some Christmas gifts I ordered. He left his email up and one of the top emails in his inbox was from his ex. I saw it and naturally flew off the handle when I saw it. I scrolled through his old emails and saw that he's been having casual conversations with her for the length of our 7 month relationship where the two of them are just "catching up." I got very angry and then confronted him about it...

He sees nothing wrong with keeping in touch with prior girlfriends that he's had as he believes he's a "mature adult who can handle different levels of relationships with people of his past." He feels that "it's nice knowing he can be casual with someone from his past who he shared time with and it feels good to him to know he's capable of being that kind of person and to know how people are doing." Keep in mind here, the ex who he is catching up with cheated on him twice in their 3 year relationship. They lived together for about 3 years and then he was in contract to buy a house with her and was going to propose to her....So, I don't understand why anyone would want to keep in touch with someone who ultimately betrayed them the way she did to him.

I, on the other hand, find it highly inappropriate to be keeping tabs on ex's from your past when you're in a new relationship. I think in order to move on 100% you need to cut the strings entirely. Keeping your past lingering around is bound to come back to bite you and will in some way effect your current relationship. To me, if you're keeping in touch with your past, it's a sign that you're still holding onto something that you just can't let go of.

What are your thoughts?
It doesn't matter what others think, the only think matters is how YOU feel and think about the situation.

Obviously, you know the relationship dynamic better than any of the people here. I don't have any constructive advice to give, but I can share a thing of two of what I learned from a relationship therapist.

A. concentrate on the behavior PATTERN, don't judge him or the relationship based upon one thing he did.
For example, does he flirt with every woman he meets in front of you or behind your back all the time and constantly? Does he make you feel neglected all the time? Answer these questions honestly.

B. Have you talked to him about your concern? If he can work with you and you guys can come up with a compromise, I say you have nothing to worry about.

Good luck to you.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 01:31 PM
 
Location: FL
1,400 posts, read 1,545,437 times
Reputation: 2016
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali85 View Post
Got into a huge argument with my boyfriend of 7 months over the weekend after I found out he's been chit chatting with his ex g/f. While I was over his apartment, he ended up falling asleep and I went onto his computer to log into my amazon account to check the shipment status of some Christmas gifts I ordered. He left his email up and one of the top emails in his inbox was from his ex. I saw it and naturally flew off the handle when I saw it. I scrolled through his old emails and saw that he's been having casual conversations with her for the length of our 7 month relationship where the two of them are just "catching up." I got very angry and then confronted him about it...

He sees nothing wrong with keeping in touch with prior girlfriends that he's had as he believes he's a "mature adult who can handle different levels of relationships with people of his past." He feels that "it's nice knowing he can be casual with someone from his past who he shared time with and it feels good to him to know he's capable of being that kind of person and to know how people are doing." Keep in mind here, the ex who he is catching up with cheated on him twice in their 3 year relationship. They lived together for about 3 years and then he was in contract to buy a house with her and was going to propose to her....So, I don't understand why anyone would want to keep in touch with someone who ultimately betrayed them the way she did to him.

I, on the other hand, find it highly inappropriate to be keeping tabs on ex's from your past when you're in a new relationship. I think in order to move on 100% you need to cut the strings entirely. Keeping your past lingering around is bound to come back to bite you and will in some way effect your current relationship. To me, if you're keeping in touch with your past, it's a sign that you're still holding onto something that you just can't let go of.

What are your thoughts?
That's it, there's a reason they're exes and it's disrespectful to you. What's even more troubling is he was doing it behind your back. I look at it like if there is some kind of emotional need or friendship that compels a mate to have to resort to seeking that outside of a relationship, then by all means , knock yourself out....I wouldn't stick around. Some people want to have their cake and eat it too and I wouldn't go for that.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 01:35 PM
 
Location: southern california
61,284 posts, read 86,264,753 times
Reputation: 55526
i did not stay in contact. was afraid of her. my fears were justified, the family contact was-- it turned out-- not out front with me in any way.
however, i regret my severe caution, she died in may. no one in family told me. of course my severe caution has saved me more than once. but then again people call me paranoid and other names. that is my cross.
please see film by bruce willis, "Red".
just bek u r paranoid huck does not mean they are not out to get you.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 01:36 PM
 
9,407 posts, read 13,582,217 times
Reputation: 20393
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
This "red flag" belongs to you and you alone.
He is not required to give up a friend because you are his girlfriend no matter if they were engaged, married, lived together etc.

YOU are the one on HIS COMPUTER without HIS permission and SNOOPING.

The moment you "flew off the handle" at me about MY personal emails on MY computer is the moment you and all the crap that came with you would be tossed in the street.
^^^^this

Be careful with snooping, it has a habit of biting you in the arse.
 
Old 12-26-2013, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
47,643 posts, read 33,358,143 times
Reputation: 71737
Closed at OP's request.
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