Thoughts on keeping in touch with previous ex's (dating, boyfriend, girlfriends)
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Got into a huge argument with my boyfriend of 7 months over the weekend after I found out he's been chit chatting with his ex g/f. While I was over his apartment, he ended up falling asleep and I went onto his computer to log into my amazon account to check the shipment status of some Christmas gifts I ordered. He left his email up and one of the top emails in his inbox was from his ex. I saw it and naturally flew off the handle when I saw it. I scrolled through his old emails and saw that he's been having casual conversations with her for the length of our 7 month relationship where the two of them are just "catching up." I got very angry and then confronted him about it...
He sees nothing wrong with keeping in touch with prior girlfriends that he's had as he believes he's a "mature adult who can handle different levels of relationships with people of his past." He feels that "it's nice knowing he can be casual with someone from his past who he shared time with and it feels good to him to know he's capable of being that kind of person and to know how people are doing." Keep in mind here, the ex who he is catching up with cheated on him twice in their 3 year relationship. They lived together for about 3 years and then he was in contract to buy a house with her and was going to propose to her....So, I don't understand why anyone would want to keep in touch with someone who ultimately betrayed them the way she did to him.
I, on the other hand, find it highly inappropriate to be keeping tabs on ex's from your past when you're in a new relationship. I think in order to move on 100% you need to cut the strings entirely. Keeping your past lingering around is bound to come back to bite you and will in some way effect your current relationship. To me, if you're keeping in touch with your past, it's a sign that you're still holding onto something that you just can't let go of.
Unless you're married, you don't have any business opening his mail or answering his phone.......or anything that explicitly is addressed to him.
Sorry.....it may be kind of hard to swallow that jagged little pill.
On the other hand, if you explicitly and politely let him know that you're uncomfortable with him talking to his old flame.........he should at least consider your feelings about this matter.
This is probably you first big compromise with this relationship.
How both of you act now will probably determine the outcome of your relationship.
He still has some of his ex's belongings in his apartment that I've asked him to get rid of. They've been broken up for over a year and he tells me he never has the time to clean and get rid of whatever else she left behind. Whenever I come in through the door to his apartment, I'm greeted by an old tote bag of hers with some mail that's sitting on the steps. And when I stay over, I'm sharing a bedroom with him and with a plastic filing cabinet of hers that contains cards, pictures, pay stubs and whatever else of hers that is parked right in the middle of his bedroom.
I asked him about a week before our argument to get rid of her stuff since he's with me now going on 7 months. He said he'd get rid of it and it's all still sitting there.
Kind of sent up a red flag for me, and now I'm being accused of have emotional/controlling issues because I've asked him to get rid of her stuff and cut all ties.
Unless you're married, you don't have any business opening his mail or answering his phone.......or anything that explicitly is addressed to him.
This doesn't make sense to me. Why would waiting until after marriage make it any more appropriate? Shouldn't she know what's going on before making such a strong commitment?
I don't talk to any of my exes either, for the same reasons as the OP mentioned.
If there is not, there seems to be a split on this forum. Those who say that remaining friends with exes and being civil with them is a positive sign of social adjustment, and those that say that they are your ex, there is no reason to be in contact with them and that it is actually a sign of social maladjustment, as the OP says.
Count me in the second group. It is particularly funny to me when exes remain social media friends to keep tabs on each other, a sign they have not moved on or holding onto something they refuse to let go of. Fickle.
He still has some of his ex's belongings in his apartment that I've asked him to get rid of. They've been broken up for over a year and he tells me he never has the time to clean and get rid of whatever else she left behind. Whenever I come in through the door to his apartment, I'm greeted by an old tote bag of hers with some mail that's sitting on the steps. And when I stay over, I'm sharing a bedroom with him and with a plastic filing cabinet of hers that contains cards, pictures, pay stubs and whatever else of hers that is parked right in the middle of his bedroom.
I asked him about a week before our argument to get rid of her stuff since he's with me now going on 7 months. He said he'd get rid of it and it's all still sitting there.
Kind of sent up a red flag for me, and now I'm being accused of have emotional/controlling issues because I've asked him to get rid of her stuff and cut all ties.
This along with keeping in touch means he's not over her. My ex cheated on me. I threw all her crap out and "bought her out" of things we both purchased together that I wanted. So technically it's all mine and none of it hers. It was hard for me at first but I eventually threw out any little things that reminded me of her or were hers that she just left. Things like cards, some clothes, trinkets, etc. There is nothing of my ex's in my new place.
I'd sever ties with the ex if I had a new gf that wasn't cool with it. Assuming that the new gf is cool headed and rational in general, and this particular thing bothers her, it'd be the respectful thing to do for her even if I personally didn't see a problem with it.
I have a question. Do you trust him? Had you never seen that e-mail, would you ever feel suspicious?
I agree, it would be kind of weird to see remaining artifacts of ex-girlfriend's past but depending on the length of their relationship, he might have residual feelings. Or maybe he's not considering her belongings as anything other than that. But in that case, shouldn't he buy a new bed, because she was once in that bed? Shouldn't he move, because she once was in that home? There's always going to be something from the past lingering onto the present.
From what you post, I would say that you do have some controlling issues. That's his place. You are able to let him know how uncomfortable you feel with him talking to his ex and having her things at his home, but you can't do anything else. If it really makes you uncomfortable, leave him. There are so many people out there in the world, and you seem really aggravated by this. Do you think his actions will change regardless of how frustrated you are? Also, you didn't just glimpse at the e-mail, you read all of it. I'm sure any person would do the same, but that's a huge violation of trust on your part. How do you think he feels now that you've intruded on his privacy? It's just as important to look at his perspective.
If there is not, there seems to be a split on this forum. Those who say that remaining friends with exes and being civil with them is a positive sign of social adjustment, and those that say that they are your ex, there is no reason to be in contact with them and that it is actually a sign of social maladjustment, as the OP says.
Count me in the second group. It is particularly funny to me when exes remain social media friends to keep tabs on each other, a sign they have not moved on or holding onto something they refuse to let go of. Fickle.
I am in this category. I do not think there should ever be anything more than the most casual of contact between someone and their ex.
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