One dating issue that drives me bonkers (married, woman, love)
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I think there's a bit of misunderstanding going around about the 'women wanting a bad guy' thing. Sometimes, it's not about wanting to 'fix' a guy, it's more about wanting someone exciting and challenging. All too often the 'good guys' are comfortable and boring. Don't get me wrong, this will often bite a lot of ladies in the butt. We want our cake and to eat it too.
You have to look at how women are wired from an evolutionary standpoint. The most confident, strong-willed, manly men were the most in-demand for producing healthy offspring. Someone who will stand up for themselves.
Then again, those women who go after REALLY bad men, like drug addicts, criminals and players have something wrong with them entirely.
Seems like a pretty short-sighted strategy. I hope those women have fun raising those "healthy offspring" on their own.
As for good guys being comfortable and boring....men are not here to entertain you.
Obviously different people have different definitions of "nice guys" and "bad boys".
I always liked bad boys and bad boys love me. To me, bad boys are exciting, they are different and just so fun to be with. My bad boys are none of those drug addicts, cheaters, women abusers. They are more like the characters James Dean played in those old Hollywood movies. They are the dark super hero type in the comic books. Nice guys are super boring, and when they don't get what they want, their true color shows. Nice guys are scary.
I think it is difficult for women to trust a man again if she has been cheated on many many times. I have never been cheated on, but my sister has been cheated on so many times and I've seen what she has been through. It certainly is not pretty. People can say it is not the woman's fault all day long, the woman will never believe that. They self doubt, they question their attractiveness and womanhood, they will think there is something with them. It is a lonely journey of dealing with a spouse's infidelity.
I have a guy friend who told me he would never date a girl who has been hurt a lot because she is damaged goods. Well although it is not politically correct for him to say, I think there is some truth to it.
Obviously different people have different definitions of "nice guys" and "bad boys".
I always liked bad boys and bad boys love me. To me, bad boys are exciting, they are different and just so fun to be with. My bad boys are none of those drug addicts, cheaters, women abusers. They are more like the characters James Dean played in those old Hollywood movies. They are the dark super hero type in the comic books. Nice guys are super boring, and when they don't get what they want, their true color shows. Nice guys are scary.
I think it is difficult for women to trust a man again if she has been cheated on many many times. I have never been cheated on, but my sister has been cheated on so many times and I've seen what she has been through. It certainly is not pretty. People can say it is not the woman's fault all day long, the woman will never believe that. They self doubt, they question their attractiveness and womanhood, they will think there is something with them. It is a lonely journey of dealing with a spouse's infidelity.
I have a guy friend who told me he would never date a girl who has been hurt a lot because she is damaged goods. Well although it is not politically correct for him to say, I think there is some truth to it.
The women who want bad boys are messed up. They want to "fix" them. It doesn't happen that way. My little cousin wants to do this. I told her no they won't change.
[b]Now I do feel for the women that were hurt badly by their ex. I was hurt extremely badly and have trust issues. I know everyman isn't like this but it's in the back of my mind constantly.]/b]
This. It is something that stays with you until you've reached a point where you feel or know things aren't going to turn into yet another clusterf*ck.
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Originally Posted by jillabean
I have to admit, I am guilty of this... fear of being hurt again. And it makes me guarded (especially because I remember how much I loved and trusted the man who ended up lying and cheating on me). I sometimes wonder if I trust too easily and I try to slow myself down a bit in relationships. But it doesn't stop me though.
Couldn't agree more. The man who hurt me the most isn't even my most recent serious ex-partner, whom I was engaged to who moved out of our place soon after moving in together because he wasn't "ready" for a serious relationship. Translation: he wasn't ready to put the necessary work involved in blending families. He wasn't willing or prepared to modify how he disciplines (lack thereof) or sets structure and routine (lack of with his kids). He liked his "simple" or easy life sans lots of kids. The whole situation sucked, but there are no hard feelings. I had a feeling it wouldn't have worked out.
However, the one man with whom I truly loved and cared for deeply, believing we were connected on a deep, soul level, well, he hurt me many times. Shortly after a birthday he ghosted on me. He was very manipulative, and his situation was sketchy to me, and I wasn't sure if I truly believed in completely, at least his intentions. Or if he was even aware of them himself. I'm not sure if he's a classic "bad boy." He definitely doesn't look the part, but he definitely f*cked with my emotions (though I did leave, breaking his heart, a while back because I wasn't sure about us). He was hurt by women in the past, supposedly his "ex-wife" cheated on him, and a woman he became close with, a "best friend" used him... classic case of unrequited love. So I would sometimes wonder if he was playing games with me because he himself was hurt. :sigh:
It did make me examine whether I am too trusting, and once I reentered the dating scene I told myself to be more cautious, which didn't always work out. There were times I got my hopes up or disappointed, and every time after I told myself to pull away from it all. I know exactly what I want, and am ready for it. I know what I am worth, what I have to offer and share, and with the type of person I want to share it with. It was just a matter of finding that person.
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I've also encountered men guilty of it too. The man I am dating now is really bad with it (brings up his ex wife and past women a lot... complains they always leave him, every woman will eventually "always" leave him he says. I think it prevents him from wanting to get too close to me). It can be a bit of a drag, but I figure it's something he just has to work though... and maybe he will never get over the scars. But he's a good man deep down under that bitterness and I think he's worth a try/worth waiting for. So I am patient. Besides, the going slowly thing is probably best for me too considering my own fear.
Same here with my beau. Both ex-wives cheated multiple times. His second ex-wife did a real number on him. Both times he tried working things out. They used him, especially the second ex-wife. She was the classic "bad girl." She used and abused people, and then when she was finished or when the novelty wore off, she moved on to the next person. She was a superb actress, as he says.
He and I both express similar hurt that stems from out past relationships. We really do empathize with each other. Even his dating experiences have been less than positive with letdowns. However, he knows he's ready, and has been ready for years.
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With the men I've seen (not only the man I am dating, but even here on these forums), it's more of a cynical reaction than a fear--but the reason for it and the results are the same. I really don't know how to address it other than it just takes time for wounds to heal and no matter how healed, there are always scars (especially if you've been wounded a lot of deeply).
I'll share how my last two relationships went and the revelations I discovered from them. I was single and mingling when I met the most vindictive woman in September 2010. She caught me kind of in a weak, yet strong moment. I was strong because I was the guy that "conquered" women that summer, but I was weak because my ex had moved on and I really hadn't. Anyways, this lady seemed to really be interested in me, since I mentored a student at the school she worked at. She seemed very sweet at first. She was in the middle of going through a divorce, so wanted to be in a relationship and not be single. As things progressed with us, I told her that we couldn't progress further till she and her husband actually filed for divorce. They filed and then we started to work on our relationship. This is when she flipped a switch and really started to be controlling.
I see the signs now in hindsight too. At the time, I was finishing up my senior year of college and still living at home. She was living on her own, done with school, and been in her career for 5 years. She's about 4 years older than I was. What started out as me going over to her house 2-3 days a week turned into her demanding me to come over 5-6 days a week. This was fine in the beginning, but then it started to take a toll on my ability to study. At the end of my Fall semester I had to retake a class, because I wasn't putting as much time into my school schedule as I should of been. The following semester I said we could only do 2-3 days a week tops till I graduated. She didn't like that at all and that's when our relationship started to turn.
She had some medical issues going on that would make it very difficult for her to get pregnant. I can count 1 time that we had unprotected sex, yet she told me on 3 different occasions that she was pregnant. The first time I was scared, but a bit excited. Even though I wasn't ready at all, I would give birth to something that has my bloodline through it. Kind of one of those moments where you fall in love instantly. Well, in hindsight, I realized she made up these pregnancies in order to get me to come over more often. Once she got her way, she would say she had a miscarriage, but oddly, that miscarriage always happened when I wasn't around. I know, I know, I was very stupid and naive. At the time the ex I tried to reconcile with was engaged to a guy, at the time, was much better than me and I was trying to cope. This relationship kept my mind off of it.
Anyways, we had a one year tumultuous relationship that should have ended just as quick as it started. My next relationship started a year later and I carried all that baggage from my previous relationship into this one. This lady was everything I asked for and then some. Loved to sit and watch sports with me, even though she didn't care all that much for it. Just really liked being in my presence and always wanted to make me laugh. With all the baggage I carried into it, all I did was compare her to my vindictive ex and was terrified that she would hurt me like she did. After 4 months it was all that she could take and she ended the relationship. Dating has sucked @ss ever since.
Since the breakup I worked through all my issues of my vindictive ex, because finding a worthwhile partner is really hard. If all you're going to do is compare them to your ex, than you really just don't deserve them. I realized right then that if I keep doing this, then I'm letting my ex win who I don't even care about. I had to let go of all the hurt of her lying about being pregnant and just focus on the brighter points of the matter. She wasn't really pregnant and I don't have a child that is forever attached to her. I also had to let go that every woman is out to hurt me.
For me, I let one ex, and one ex only ruin my relationship. I noticed very quickly how poisonous that mindset can be. While dating in 2013, I messaged a lot of women that seemed to have let a couple of good guys get away from the bad ex's they still mentally kept thinking about. This year, I seemed to meet many women on the brink of figuring out their problems, but haven't had much luck on meeting women who have came out on the other side like I have. Not bitter and actually hopeful that a good person will be in the same place in our daily lives.
I'm happy that I figured it out, but I was disappointed in how many women, even women several years older than myself, still hadn't tried to figure it out. It's why I pursued older women, because I figured they were tired of the games.
The broader issue is the difficulty of coming to terms with the conclusion of one's prior relationships. If the relationship collapsed on account of cheated, after many mutually fulfilling years together, then it's natural to regard all future candidates as potential cheaters. On the other hand, if the relationship was good, but ended due to genuinely "irreconcilable differences", the natural impulse is to regard all relationships as tentative and contingent, and to be wary of forming too close of an attachment with a potential new partner, regardless of that partner's shining qualities.
We've devoted much effort on this Forum to arguments over the financial consequences of divorce, and while these can be severe, the greater consequence is emotional. It changes one's world-view. It's not a simplistic switch from believing that all people are good, to all people are evil. But it's a switch from believing in willpower and affection as being able to overcome circumstances and external pressures, to Prospero's admonishment that "the strongest oath is straw in the fire of the blood".
No its not emotional that is the worst, the fear of loosing so much money that I have no hope of pursuing any meaningful passions in life for decades, the fear of being homeless or my health being effected being exposed to sub par living conditions, not being able to have the healthy diet I have now due to being broke. Living hand to mouth when I worked very hard on the front end to avoid that situation by getting an education and a good job only to see it garnished away in one fall swoop.
The fear of the becoming a cold calculating violent criminal as an alternative to the empty life that can come from being completely broke. People who are highly motivated like myself are capable of all kinds of stuff, watch the movie lord of war. Selling poison gas to war lords, etc. When highly motivated highly intelligent people have nothing to loose the sky is the limit. That side of myself is there but I would prefer it remain tucked away but our society is so corrupt that im sure it drawing out that sort of behavior in people.
I remember my ex's mom who works for child support and a doctor objected to his child support so the judge upped it just to be an azz, if I were that doctor perhaps I would start being a mob doctor on the side, if judges want to act like clowns then they need to know there are very real consequences. I think everyone has forgot prohibition. People don't tend to mouth off as much when bullets start flying. Cant keep squeezing people and not expect people to snap, I don't care what kind of spin you put on it about how its for the kids, if I dont have the money to do what I want then im going to start looking for alternatives to regular employment where my wages cant be stolen without my concent.
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