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Old 01-03-2014, 09:05 PM
 
Location: So Cal
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Whatever works for people..... LOL... whatever the heck works... LOL....
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
Whatever works for people..... LOL... whatever the heck works... LOL....
Why are you laughing?
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
Wow I'm really glad it worked out for you.

I keep telling people you never know what life will throw at you.
Thanks, the US government only gives you 90 days to get married if the other person has a fiancee visa (otherwise they need to leave the country) but we were both very clear early only about what we wanted in terms of a relationship and it's worked out. For me the reason it works is because I was committed to the relationship knowing that there were things that I would learn about her that I'd need to adjust to and I knew that she would need to do the same but the newness of the relationship actually forced a more formal approach. I knew that she would completely rely on my for everything in the beginning and out of respect I made whatever sacrifices that I needed to make in order to help her adjust.

I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone who already has a preconceived notion of how a relationship should go, they need to know what they want and understand how to get it by remaining flexible. In many ways I'm glad that I married the way that I did because you're forced to compromise. If I was in a long term dating relationship it would be too easy for me to walk away and give up on it if things weren't going the way that I expected.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:07 PM
 
37,726 posts, read 46,186,176 times
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Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
A new show on TLC is called 90 days fiancee. I'm wondering if you would ever do this? Some of the people travel across the world to meet each other then after 90 days marry. Many say it's not enough time to know each other. But say they talked on the phone, online, text and met a little. Perhaps then?
Then age can factor in it or an overly busy person?

What are your opinions of it?


I will say mine later.
Absolutely NOT. As far as I am concerned, 2 years isn't even long enough. 5 years is getting close.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,763 posts, read 52,961,822 times
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Originally Posted by omaraz View Post
Thanks, the US government only gives you 90 days to get married if the other person has a fiancee visa (otherwise they need to leave the country) but we were both very clear early only about what we wanted in terms of a relationship and it's worked out. For me the reason it works is because I was committed to the relationship knowing that there were things that I would learn about her that I'd need to adjust to and I knew that she would need to do the same but the newness of the relationship actually forced a more formal approach. I knew that she would completely rely on my for everything in the beginning and out of respect I made whatever sacrifices that I needed to make in order to help her adjust.

I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone who already has a preconceived notion of how a relationship should go, they need to know what they want and understand how to get it by remaining flexible. In many ways I'm glad that I married the way that I did because you're forced to compromise. If I was in a long term dating relationship it would be too easy for me to walk away and give up on it if things weren't going the way that I expected.
Very interesting and I agree it would take tons of compromises. Did she adjust well to the US?
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:14 PM
 
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Absolutely NOT. As far as I am concerned, 2 years isn't even long enough. 5 years is getting close.
This I do agree with only from personal experience. I knew an ex for a decent amount of time and he basically tore my heart out and stomped on it.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:16 PM
 
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I married my husband after we had known each other just under 120 days...gonna be 20 years this coming March. Though we were in our late 20s / early 30s.


...so it's not something I'd recommend for everyone....but yeah...it can work.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
Very interesting and I agree it would take tons of compromises. Did she adjust well to the US?
She did okay, my wife is from Ukraine but she is an English teacher so she already knew the language and she lived in Austria, Germany and Norway (where we met) so she was exposed to life outside of Ukraine. She was very adamant about getting a job and going to college and she did both so that helped her adjust because she had to deal with other people besides me.

My parents also got engaged after 90 days, they were married for 46 years until my dad passed away last year.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,713,704 times
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Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
And what factors were they?
Besides living close and seeing each other a lot.
The factors that made us know early on, you mean?

Superior compatibility in major priority areas (the big sticky wicket in my previous relationship...my ex had kind of a habit of feigning compatibility, but his heart wasn't ever in it, because he was always pretty unclear on what he actually did want in life), and enough time spent together to know that this was the case. I would say those were the single biggest factors in each of us knowing that we'd met "the one" early on...outside of givens like mutual attraction/chemistry, anyway.

In short, we spent enough quality time together to know that we were on the same page in all the areas that were most important to each of us, and that the areas where we weren't quite on the same page happened to be areas of minimal importance, conversely. We both are really strong and straightforward communicators, and learned early on that we have very aligned values systems, come from very similar family backgrounds, and look at relationships in the same way.

Several months of consistently and intentionally spending time together really getting to know somebody who was essentially my neighbor was more than enough time to be solid on these things. That said, as I noted, we didn't get engaged that early on...but we both were pretty sure we'd found the right person by that point.

Having a previous failed long-term relationship, due in part to NOT knowing what real indicators of compatibility to look for was actually immensely helpful in knowing what TO look for. Knowing what to talk about and what to really pay attention to. When I met my ex, for instance, it didn't occur to me that his bad relationship with his family would be an issue in our relationship, as well as a major source of incompatibility, due to my very strong relationship with my family and the value I place on such relationships. By the time I met my now-fiance, I had learned just how important compatible values in this area are for me.

Ultimately, you will never know everything about a person, no matter how well you know him or her or how many years you know him or her. You will never be 100% compatible with someone, but you can endeavor to make sure you find as much common ground as you can in your highest priority areas. I do believe people can find this in a time span as short as ninety days (my own parents got engaged after about six weeks of dating, and have been together more than 40 years), depending on circumstances, but I'm not sure if I believe that it can be orchestrated in the guise of a television program with any authenticity.
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Old 01-03-2014, 09:32 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,713,704 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
I knew an ex for a decent amount of time and he basically tore my heart out and stomped on it.
Same, here. I lived with my ex for five years, and the passage of time sure didn't prevent the above. Some people are not built for the long haul.
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