Confidence - is it a universal currency? (dating, women, young)

[Norgy]

There's been a number of threads regarding confidence recently, mixed in with the usual more or less self-pitying threads about why can't I get a date/SO/whathaveyou.

So, while I was out for my exercise, my brain was doing all sorts of weird stuff which probably resembles thinking. One of the things I started mulling over is this idea that confidence in one area can help to give you confidence in another area. There seems to be some agreement that this is both possible and desirable, and definitely so when it comes to snagging that oh-so-perfect mate. Or at least a phone number.

But, and it's a big but (I'm all about the but): Is confidence really transferrable? What I was thinking, as I was staggering along that mountain road, with nothing but a pair of reflective armbands to save me from automotive death, was this: confidence may be transferrable to some extent, but not universally:

Imagine someone who's been a runner all their life. They'd sneeze at my little 2-mile uphill/downhill jaunt, run a half-marathon before breakfast, and confidently sprint up and down the stairs at work during lunch. So far so good. Let's say that's the people who have no issues approaching the other sex, and can do it "naturally," claiming all it takes is practice, trial and error, and maybe some self-improvement, and if that doesn't work, there's something wrong with the person doing the approaching. They've been doing it successfully since kindergarten, so it can't be that hard, can it?

Then, at the other end of the scale, there's the really out of shape people who get out of breath walking from their car to their office. They wouldn't even be able to keep up with a lazy mofo like me. They could represent the people who have zero confidence at dating. But, I think, if they would just start doing something - take a walk here and there, eat a little less potato chips, and cut down on the soda, they could improve. I also believe that it's possible to make some improvements to their success at finding relationships, with some practice. Even I can get a boring and dead-end date here and there if I'm really gung ho about it, why can't they?

However. Jogging/running/staggering usually only involves one person - it's you vs. your own desire to be horizontal on the couch, or at least not have so many coloured spots in your field of vision. Relationships involve at least two people - and my guess is that the people on the least confident end of the scale feel a lot like the guy below in the white pyjamas, whenever they try to improve on their "dating confidence" through practice:

Hapkido Master. - YouTube

Am I right?

Now, imagine that instead of going out for a jog, you go to a martial arts class to lose weight and get in shape, maybe learn some of them cool moves from Kung Fu Panda, too. Would it be confidence-building if you got this treatment in every class? Would you even go back after the first class? Do you think your confidence at aerospace engineering or needlepoint (or chatting up (wo)men!) would mean squat, as you lay squealing on the floor? Probably not, right?

I'm not sure I have a ready solution, or even if my musings have any value. Maybe classes on manners and etiquette could address some of the issues some people (mainly men, I understand) are struggling with, though? Playing the "numbers game" seems counterproductive to me, unless the stated aim is to get good at handling humiliation and rejection.

Or maybe I should just stick to things I know anything about

[BirdieBelle]

How old are you?

I am 46, and I have learned that yes, confidence can be transferable.

The more life experience you have, the more situations you remember at which you can look back and say, "Well, I got through that and survived," or, "I did that better than the last time I tried it."

Besides, you already aren't dating. You couldn't be dating any fewer girls than you are now. So you might as well try.

Your brain will always be your biggest enemy or your best friend. If you can overcome your negative relationship with your inner voice, a relationship with a girl won't be a big deal.

[Norgy]

I'm 42 and raising three young kids on my own - I've got all the life experience I need, thank you very much

My point was - if you are constantly put in a situation which you have absolutely no ability to deal with, you will not learn anything. If a newbie come to my class, and I or one of my senior students pull out all (ok, most of) the stops on them every time, they will not learn a thing, except maybe who the best local chiropractor is. I can guarantee you that they would not be coming back after a couple of times maximum. That's probably how the people who are, and keep being, really bad at getting dates/phone numbers/whatever feel like.

The only kind of confidence that'd be transferrable - in my admittedly nonprofessional opinion - would be stuff like etiquette and manners. What other social skills could be learned through a class? Dancing's often mentioned - might be a good way to find a date by the way, I hear dancing classes are usually made up mostly of women...

Personally, I have no interest in "dating." For me, it's a waste of time that I don't have anymore. The long-winded stuff above was pretty much me writing down a stream of consciousness during my workout.

[BirdieBelle]

So you already had an answer then.

The "point" in your second post was never mentioned in the first post.

Now I wish I had been like the other 31 people who read your thread but didn't waste their time replying.

[Norgy]

I think you need to work on your reading comprehension.

[Skydive Outlaw]

Confidence has to be earned. Through trials and adversity.


Men are made through their life experiences - they are not born that way.