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I can't judge who's right or wrong. Maybe neither of you, or both of you. Sounds like he wanted your company to help him fall asleep, or else it was just a line to get you in bed with him. He probably hoped you would have allowed the process to continue. It was good you stopped him since it was not the outcome you were looking for, but if anything like that happens to you again, "just say NO", as soon as you wake up. Tell him to knock it off. Get up, and go sleep on the couch. Clearly you now realize you put yourself in a situation that invited it to happen, even though your intentions were just to sleep, and help him fall asleep. But guys are pretty good at taking advantage of situations. You gotta make it clear that is not what you want, and don't put yourself in situations like that.
Do you think your friendship with this person is likely to be a bit awkward moving forward? Perhaps he will feel embarrassed and ashamed. You, too? In this case you two probably spoiled a nice friendship, that you wanted to keep a friendship. With somebody else this could have ended up being a really dangerous situation.
The guy sounds pretty creepy. I regrettably remember times in college where I was in bed with a girl and we were under the influence lying there and I initiated some touching, that was either warmly received or thwarted. I would've never messed with a passed out girl, and if this guy honestly thought she was asleep and was doing that he is a super creep and potentially dangerous. However, the op admitted she was awake and if she warmly received any of the interaction and then regretted it that's on her.
I met someone offline a little more than a year ago. We only met once offline and we were with a group of people all were his friends and I got a feel for who he was. We would talk on and off, but really we just were more of acquaintances than anything else. He always said I was so "innocent". Well, recently I have been hanging around him more for longer. We went to a couple of bars and I drank;he didn't drink as much because he was driving. He has some past issues which make it incapable for him to fall asleep right away, or so he says. I agreed to lie down with him until he fell asleep. He started rubbing my back and said that he wanted to kiss me. I gave him two pecks on the kiss and said it's hard for me to intimate at times. I said if you want to get intimate with me then do it while I'm really drunk. That way I can't control myself as much. I told him that's when he should take advantage of me. I was borderline joking and he just laughed. Well, later on he thought I was "asleep" and he started rubbing my back (which was fine), but then he went under my shirt and started rubbing my boobs, then my thighs, then my butt, then my groin area. Then while he still thought I was sleeping he unbuckled my belt to my pants and then went under my underwear and started rubbing me and everything. I was frozen because I didn't know what to do or how to react. I didn't think he was going to go that far at all. He said he was willing to go my pace and that he isn't in any rush an hour earlier! I finally acted like I had woken up when his fingers were inside me and asked him what was going on. He said, "Nothin!" I acted like I was too "out of it" to really know what happened, which is complete bull.
I shouldn't feel bad because I kind of initiated it. Right?
I understand that point and she bears her share of responsibility for letting it get as far as it got. But that still doesn't absolve the creep of his creepitude. Like I said upthread, if the guy had been actually doing what he thought he was doing, he'd be guilty of sexual assault. Even if she exercised poor judgment, it would be a continuation of that poor judgment to continue associating with someone capable of doing what he did (or thought he was doing).
Here's where that gets tricky. No one really knows what he was 'thinking' and what she was 'thinking,' 'boarder line joking' about, 'pretending' to do or 'acting' to do. It has to be what was actually verbally or physically communicated. Physically communicated as in removing herself from the bed, pushing his hand away.
Funny, we really don't know his version of events and what he was really thinking, nor does her story of the conversation go beyond what transpired after he said, "Nothin.' When she finally did say, 'stop,' did he? What did she do afterward? Did she tell anyone, even a close friend? Did he say anything else? What did she actually say in the bar? Were there any witnesses, such as employees, and other patrons they know, who can attest to what she said and to her appeared 'drunken state,' and how many drinks she had, was she incapacitated, was she encouraging in her behavior? Was she fearful? Is there anyone who can attest to her saying this or doing this with someone else? All things which will probably get asked and more. Her story is what is really on trial here, not just him.
He might be a creep, but based on what really transpired, per just the OP itself, he was no sexual assailant.
He would be tried by a jury of his peers. Well, he just was in this thread and will only have to be based on what was actually communicated.
I was 'thinking' this? Yes, but did you actually tell him that? Ladies and gentleman of the jury, my client is not a mind reader. None of us are.
Last edited by Thursday007; 01-11-2014 at 12:28 AM..
Here's where that gets tricky. No one really knows what he was 'thinking' and what she was 'thinking,' 'boarder line joking' about, 'pretending' to do or 'acting' to do. It has to be what was actually verbally or physically communicated. Physically communicated as in removing herself from the bed, pushing his hand away.
Funny, we really don't know his version of events and what he was really thinking, nor does her story of the conversation go beyond what transpired after he said, "Nothin.' When she finally did say, 'stop,' did he? What did she do afterward? Did she tell anyone, even a close friend? Did he say anything else? What did she actually say in the bar? Were there any witnesses, such as employees, and other patrons they know, who can attest to what she said and to her appeared 'drunken state,' and how many drinks she had, was she incapacitated, was she encouraging in her behavior? Was she fearful? Is there anyone who can attest to her saying this or doing this with someone else? All things which will probably get asked and more. Her story is what is really on trial here, not just him.
He might be a creep, but based on what really transpired, per just the OP itself, he was no sexual assailant.
He would be tried by a jury of his peers. Well, he just was in this thread and will only have to be based on what was actually communicated.
I was 'thinking' this? Yes, but did you actually tell him that? Ladies and gentleman of the jury, my client is not a mind reader. None of us are.
You're getting a little far afield. Someone here actually defended the act of penetrating a woman in her sleep without prior consent. THAT is what I'm pushing back against -- the general proposition that doing so is acceptable. If we are to take the OP's story at face value -- a big "if" of course -- that's what the guy thought he was doing. That's indefensible, even if it's not criminal -- though it's not only because the OP was playing possum. I'll say it again: what the guy thought he was doing is sexual assault.
Now, if the people involved have clearly communicated a prior arrangement that says that's OK, then fine. But the OP gave no indication of such arrangement. If the OP's account is basically true, the OP is a dumbass and the guy is a creep. And so are those who defend fondling women in their sleep on the assumption that she "might" have a "sleep/sex fetish."
I don't think there's a reason to feel bad; but, seems like all this confusion would be avoided by not getting into bed with men you don't want to have sex with.
I'm a little confused too about how the OP would know he was thinking she was asleep. Maybe he was thinking you were awake and waiting for him to make a move.......who knows.
The whole thing seems a little silly for two adults. Much easier to communicate clearly. Maybe a counselor would help you sort out your feelings.
Sounds like some bullshyt right out of the gate....
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