Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Most men and women won't see eye to eye on this. As a guy, I'm in JJS99's corner...I'd MUCH rather have the overabundance of attention (even from a majority of lower-quality women) than none at all....but I'm aware that I might feel differently if I were a woman. I sympathize with women getting bombarded with crap messages, but I think they take for granted what a LACK of attention feels like. I'm sure men do the same in reverse.
To highlight the point JJ brings up: When I was younger, I would get frustrated by all the women I dated playing the little games that you're "supposed" to play to keep a man interested in you long term. Few, if any of them had that visceral physical attraction towards me that men have towards a lot of women...they simply saw me as a polite, respectful, financially stable, potential husband. But I didn't want that. I knew that I was great "husband material" (on paper, sociopathy aside! But that's another story....), but I just wanted to get laid. So date after date with each woman was jumping through a bunch of hoops until I'd eventually get pissed and cut things off.
I'd be pretty clear and up front about what I wanted, but every woman I met just tried to jam me into their 5-year plan or whatever. It's sounds like a silly thing to be frustrated over, since it's considered more "noble" to seek a long term partner than it is to seek someone to sleep with, but the frustration goes both ways.
JJ mentions that guys would give her crude messages and that she's not flattered by it. Most guys would be, myself definitely included. Even if I wasn't remotely interested in the girl...it's still flattering. Hell, I'm flattered if a gay guy hits on me. Knowing you're attractive makes you feel good about yourself, even if it's from someone you're not the least bit interested in.
A piece of advice that guys are told when it comes to women is to tell the hot women that they're smart, and the smart women that they're hot. Everyone wants the attention that they're NOT getting. Women lament the lack of intelligent messages they get online. Men lament the lack of sexual aggression from women. Women might think to themselves, "I can get laid any time I want, but I want a QUALITY man"....and men will often think, "I can find a woman for a long term relationship anywhere, but I just want to get laid".
Disclaimer: For those of you out there that like to label themselves as the exception, then fine...I'm not talking about you. But the above sentiments apply to a LOT of people, both men and women.
This is actually a good 'analogy' to my interpretation of things as a woman who did OLD for a long time.
What if EVERY single woman who contacted you demanded exclusivity immediately and wanted you to buy her stuff with no physical intimacy and you just wanted to get laid. I'm not saying that demanding presents is the same as sex, it's just an analogy to maybe get men to think in the same vein as woman who constantly gets barraged by sex requests.
You want to go out, casually have fun, maybe meet someone to form a bond with and all the women want is presents, trinkets, dinner and commitment. Would you not get annoyed and frustrated by that? Then, there would be the women that SAID they wanted something casual, then made reservations at expensive restaurants and expect you to pay. When you decline, they get beligerent and threaten you.
How would all that make you feel?
I don't consider random men sending me requests for threesomes and anal to be flattering, and neither do most women.
This is actually a good 'analogy' to my interpretation of things as a woman who did OLD for a long time.
What if EVERY single woman who contacted you demanded exclusivity immediately and wanted you to buy her stuff with no physical intimacy and you just wanted to get laid. I'm not saying that demanding presents is the same as sex, it's just an analogy to maybe get men to think in the same vein as woman who constantly gets barraged by sex requests.
You want to go out, casually have fun, maybe meet someone to form a bond with and all the women want is presents, trinkets, dinner and commitment. Would you not get annoyed and frustrated by that? Then, there would be the women that SAID they wanted something casual, then made reservations at expensive restaurants and expect you to pay. When you decline, they get beligerent and threaten you.
How would all that make you feel?
I don't consider random men sending me requests for threesomes and anal to be flattering, and neither do most women.
Interesting. That would definitely **** me off. I have some difficulty equating the analogy directly because (as the women on these boards are often quick to point out) women enjoy sex too, whereas I rarely enjoy being expected to purchase things. But I see your point.
On a side note, the underlined part happens ALL THE TIME. I suppose it could be considered the female equivalent to what manipulative guys do.
In order to get hit on by attractive men, online and offline, you will get hit on by unattractive men too. Verbal abuse, catcalls, whistles, drunk idiots. It's the side effects of the good stuff.
If you get hit on by no unattractive men, then you are going to get hit on by no attractive men too.
You don't see how that is. But I do. And you wouldn't rather have it that way.
I can concede that I might not get it. But I also think you aren't getting what I am saying... it's not being hit on... it's more like being spammed and getting junk mail. Or to use an analogy, it would be like trying to find a wearing a thong bikini at a biker bar to try and find a date (except that online, all you have to do to be sexually provocative is to select "female" as your gender). These men don't find the women they are spamming attractive if they are messaging them before photos and a profile are even up (and they do). I mean, how could you know a person is attractive without some sort of bio and/or pictures?
The reason I think zero messages is better is because I dropped out of online dating and I *did* go from several messages to zero and *was* much happier with it. Sure, my dates dropped to zero when I did that, but none of the men I eventually dated online worked out anyway (met married men, jerks, crazies, and one nice guy--but we just didn't hit it off). And this was months before I started dating the man I am seeing now by the way--so it wasn't for him.
I think that's why the numbers are so uneven online with men outnumbering women... theoretically there should be about as many single women as single men, right? But the online experience for women is just so overwhelming, why bother with it? Just like why bother walking into a biker bar in a bikini. At least, that was my take on it.
EDIT: You know what might be an interesting dating website. A site where men get to register for free, women pay, but only women can contact men (men can't contact women). That would eliminate the spamming... make women to make that first move and not just be wallflowers (otherwise they are wasting their money) and men would know that the women they are interacting with are actually interested in them. I am not sure if it would work though... but off the top of my head it sounds good. Call it "Sadie Hawkins.com" or something, lol.
Oh. You're saying you want it all? You want to be made to feel attractive only by attractive men who are also polite. I see.
That is HARDLY wanting it all, geez! That is a minimum expectation! It is really sad that you think a male being nice and polite is such a high expectation.
That is HARDLY wanting it all, geez! That is a minimum expectation! It is really sad that you think a male being nice and polite is such a high expectation.
AND attractive, you said. And since guys don't get many messages at all, if any, this sounds to us like "wanting it all", even if it sounds reasonable to you.
That is HARDLY wanting it all, geez! That is a minimum expectation! It is really sad that you think a male being nice and polite is such a high expectation.
It's unfortunate, but expecting a man to be polite IS too high of an expectation in dating today.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hivemind31
AND attractive, you said. And since guys don't get many messages at all, if any, this sounds to us like "wanting it all", even if it sounds reasonable to you.
Most men would disagree. I'd be doing backflips.
Yeah, because most men just want to get laid and have no standards beyond that. Most women don't want to be used for sex.
Right, it has very little to do with anyone actually being attracted or interested in the woman, all these guys are interested in is how fast she'll put out. So they take the machine gun approaching hoping that they'll find at least one target.
That's like being flattered by having dozens of pizza and Chinese menus shoved in your mailbox. You know that the restaurants didn't give you menus because you're such a special customer, they shoved menus in every mailbox in a two-mile radius.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 01-15-2014 at 09:35 AM..
Yeah, because most men just want to get laid and have no standards beyond that. Most women don't want to be used for sex.
Exactly. So statements like "There's nothing flattering about XXXX" doesn't apply to men (for the most part). Women don't want to be used for sex, but men don't want to be strung along either.
I'm paraphrasing, but men aren't saying "I want a ton of worthless messages". They'd just prefer it to getting NONE, because they could pick and choose which ones they'd want, already knowing the other party was at least interested. It gives at least a modicum of control, even if it has a high potential of being false.
The women that would prefer to get none could just cancel their subscription, and as one poster pointed out, sometimes they do.
That's like being flattered by having dozens of pizza and Chinese menus shoved in your mailbox.
Interesting analogy. And I still think I'd prefer it. I'd have all the options available to me, and I'd know that I'd get the pizza and Chinese food that I wanted, of all the choices available! And all I'd have to do is empty my mailbox more often, or even ignore it completely!
I know, analogies don't work 100%. But I really liked yours.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
