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My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. After a long string of duds I found in him a guy who I love and who loves me back. We complement each other. We laugh together. We have really good times together.
Last Thursday night I stayed over at his condo. We shared a bottle of wine with dinner and were feeling fine.... Anyway, afterwards we got to talking about how we view the world similarly. We took turns listing examples of how our views are the same. At some point we got started on love and relationships. I said how we did our relationship right and he agreed. I then said that I was glad that we waited to get intimate. He jokingly wagged his finger at me and said that I was the longest he ever waited to have sex with. I said "me too." He added still laughing that the wait was like two or three times longer than he ever waited before with his exes. Again, I said "me too." So that was it for Thursday night.
When we were having breakfast on Friday before going to work, he brought up our conversation of the night before. His tone was way different than his usual happy confident self. He said that as far as waiting to have sex he waited because I told him that I wanted to wait and he respected me, not that he didn't want to way earlier. I said something like okaaay... He then added that I also said "me too" when he said that it took us two three times longer to get intimate than he had ever waited before.
So he concluded that I made him wait longer than I made any of my former boyfriends wait by "a country mile" as he put it. He got a weird look on his face and asked me if that was correct. I side stepped the question by saying that the past doesn't matter and that we should focus on today and on our future together.
He told me that he took that as a "yes" and that he was not cool with that at all. So we left his place in a kind of awkward silence. I called him at lunch to make plans for that night but he said that he didn't feel like getting together. He has NEVER said that before. He then also asked me if I had "played" him. I think I kind of paniced or something and said of course not and that I didn't know what he was talking about.
He said he feels like he was played by my "making him wait" when I didn't make my exes wait. He wanted to continue talking but I said we should talk about this stuff in person not on the phone. He said OK whatever and we hung up. He didn't call or text all weekend. I called him but he didn't pick up.
When I called him at work this morning he did pick up and we're going to get together after work. I just don't know how best to approach and handle this so I could really use some advise please.
Dump him. He is insecure and immature and will hold your past over your head whenever he feels it will give him an advantage.
Seriously, guys like him do not merit being in any relationship at all and deserve to be alone with their irrational fears and nascent madonna-wh*re complexes.
By the way, welcome to CDR, first time poster who joined a few minutes ago How did you stumble upon this specific forum?
One thing I would recommend is refuse to hash this over and over with him. The two of you are in a relationship are you not? And you have been having sex, have you not? Up to that fateful conversation you sounded happy with each other. I'm telling you, rehashing the discussion is just going to lead to more questions, more accusations, more bitterness. It's your body. You had the right to make him wait as long as you felt comfortable making him wait for sex and he went along. As you said, what was said and done is in the past, all of it and you do not care to discuss your exes or his exes. Or the ancient history of the relationship the two of you are in right now. It is already very clear that has brought problems for you two. If he still wants to go on about being played as if he thought bedding you was a conquest, that is probably telling you a lot about HIM that HE didn't necessarily want to reveal as regards his attitude towards you. If the two of you are going to continue to get along, he will have to let this go. I'm pretty sure he hasn't told you certain things about his exes and never will because he doesn't want to catch the sh**t he is giving you about this one thing you mentioned about your exes. He's worried about how soon your exes were able to have sex with you. But here you are, and you're not worried about what he did or did not do for his ex-girlfriends, because you know worrying about that will bring a problem. He is going to have to step up and forget about this, instead of acting betrayed. It's not like the two of you are married. So there is no betrayal here.
When I called him at work this morning he did pick up and we're going to get together after work. I just don't know how best to approach and handle this so I could really use some advise please.
Um...he sounds like a child. Seriously. AND he sounds pretty stupid as well. I see a lot of problems in your future if you stay with such a dweeb.
First of all, I have no intention of dumping him. I've dated enough (maybe more than enough) to know when a good guy finally comes by. He's a good guy. Believe me when I say I know the difference.
Second, We haven't had any discussion yet. That's what's going to happen tonight. I just don't want to put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong things.
You are either able to explain how happy you are to have achieved a loving relationship with him or you are not. If he is feeling "played", the only thing you can do is reassure him that it was because of your feelings for him. But you cannot get hung up with this reassurance to the degree that you are appeasing him by taking responsibility that you should not feel. While you can understand his feelings, that does not mean you have to accept responsibility for them. If he does not view love with you as valuable enough to have waited to where you are now, in the intimacy and trust that you have now, then show him the door.
Some people as they mature realize that sex too early in a realtionship can actually wreck it.
His assumption is essentially that you have not matured or evolved as a person over any of your relationships.
I'd have the turd explain how you "played him" meaning what actual benefit does he think you got by waiting to have sex?
Tell him to stop being a whiney little b*tch.
THANK you.
The spoiled little fool is in what sounds like a great relationship, he's getting sex, and now he wants to be a little pants-wetter and pout because she set a boundary. This is how spoiled little boys act when they have to wait until after dinner for dessert.
This is not a good sign, and I hope she sees this reaction of his as either a red pennant or a red flag.
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