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Old 01-29-2014, 08:24 AM
 
25,427 posts, read 9,750,911 times
Reputation: 15259

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inebriated Duck View Post
I think couples who get together at a later stage in life probably have the experience and wisdom to make it work. So if a couple gets together at the 40 or 50 age range, I don't think it's unrealistic to think they'll make it to the finish line. Do I think it's unrealistic for a couple marry out of high school and stay together for decades upon decades? Yes.
Hubs and I have been married 37 years, been together 40 when we were 18 and 19. Yes, it can work. The reason? We are not the same people we were 40 years ago. We've changed, and fortunately, we changed together in the same direction. Had it not been that way, there is no doubt we would not be together.

I think there are certain philosophies you need to adopt in order to make a marriage work. One is, never try to change the other person. Accept them for who they are (within reason of course -- don't want to live with a felon). Learn to laugh at yourself and with each other. You have to see the humor in your everyday experiences. Be compassionate and empathetic with each other. Listen to each other and try to see their point of view.

Marriage can be a lot of work. Do we wake up every day glad to be married? Sometimes not, it would be easier to go and do our own thing. But we make a choice, and most days it is worth the trouble.
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:27 AM
 
25,427 posts, read 9,750,911 times
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Oh yeah, and don't look to the other person to make you happy. Only you can do that.
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:32 AM
 
Location: GA
1,241 posts, read 1,892,010 times
Reputation: 1280
I believe people can be married for life. We are living in an instant society and that is the problem. People are unrealistic and are often broken but feel marriage is this save all situation. Love is absent. People are coupling with selfish people, People are marrying for financial security (both men and women), or just because that is what you do. Love is an action word. It is something you do, it's not someone you just receive. What you do to get a person you should do to keep that person.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(New International Version)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)

Men and women now a days give up too easily on everything. Some relationship need a little work and effort. If you take selfishness and agendas out of relationships, many marriages would last. But when you only love someone as long as they buy you materials or only when they do everything you want them to do: you are not going to have a long happy marriage.

People have mother issues, father issues, low self-esteem, are not self sufficient, selfish, bi-polar, or have lack of respect for men/women. These same people, without addressing their issues, think they are ready to date and marry and their broken state ruins the opportunity for a lasting relationship.
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Knightsbridge
684 posts, read 823,360 times
Reputation: 857
Quote:
Originally Posted by hatgirl007 View Post
I believe people can be married for life. We are living in an instant society and that is the problem. People are unrealistic and are often broken but feel marriage is this save all situation. Love is absent. People are coupling with selfish people, People are marrying for financial security (both men and women), or just because that is what you do. Love is an action word. It is something you do, it's not someone you just receive. What you do to get a person you should do to keep that person.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(New International Version)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)

Men and women now a days give up too easily on everything. Some relationship need a little work and effort. If you take selfishness and agendas out of relationships, many marriages would last. But when you only love someone as long as they buy you materials or only when they do everything you want them to do: you are not going to have a long happy marriage.

People have mother issues, father issues, low self-esteem, are not self sufficient, selfish, bi-polar, or have lack of respect for men/women. These same people, without addressing their issues, think they are ready to date and marry and their broken state ruins the opportunity for a lasting relationship.
This is one of the most insightful, mature and intelligent comments on marriage that has ever been done.

In fact, the arguments against marriage here are the same given in the bible when He's asked if it's all right to have a divorce. When the men complain against this, he shrugs his shoulders and says

Quote:
"For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake."
This isn't an argument that is new, or something people didn't understand back then. It's hard, but the long and short is: If you can't keep your marriage vows, keep it in your pants.
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:57 AM
 
7,235 posts, read 7,022,019 times
Reputation: 12265
Quote:
Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
Hubs and I have been married 37 years, been together 40 when we were 18 and 19. Yes, it can work. The reason? We are not the same people we were 40 years ago. We've changed, and fortunately, we changed together in the same direction. Had it not been that way, there is no doubt we would not be together.

I think there are certain philosophies you need to adopt in order to make a marriage work. One is, never try to change the other person. Accept them for who they are (within reason of course -- don't want to live with a felon). Learn to laugh at yourself and with each other. You have to see the humor in your everyday experiences. Be compassionate and empathetic with each other. Listen to each other and try to see their point of view.

Marriage can be a lot of work. Do we wake up every day glad to be married? Sometimes not, it would be easier to go and do our own thing. But we make a choice, and most days it is worth the trouble.

Very wise words.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:07 AM
 
3,063 posts, read 3,264,307 times
Reputation: 3641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vintage_girl View Post
I think people have a tendency to put too much stock into their feelings. We have become a culture of feelings and make a lot of our decisions based on it. I'm not saying feelings don't matter but they are just feelings. It's what we do with them that counts.

There are people who have very privileged lives and lots of creature comforts yet are unhappy. There are people with little and are happy, so happiness is a rather subjective human experience. I think we as a culture need to learn how to manage our feelings and not let them get the best of us.

If a person was 90% happy and then a decade later or more found themselves 60% happy, I'd ask what happened? Have they changed their definition of what it means to be happy? Are they asking for something they didn't back when they were 90% happy? There are so many factors.
Does it matter what happened though? Something happened, and whatever it was, despite trying to make it work several times, that person was still not able to get back to that 90 percent. Chances are whatever it is, the issue or circumstances surrounding the change in happiness--it was vallid enough to cause that person to no longer be as happy. And if they attempted to fix that issue several times and was unable to, are you really saying that they should not put stock
Into their feelings?

Personally even if its trivial, like I just am no longer attracted to him or the sex isn't good... If its causing me to be unhappy I am going to want to fix it. Not torture myself and stay just because it is the right thing to do. Maybe this is cold but I put stock in my feelings and when I'm unhappy I can't brush it off and ignore my feelings. If I'm unhappy after 10 years and even if it is my fault because my outlook might have changed or what I needed in the marriage might have changed and despite communication nothing changes I am not going to want to stay... Or make myself stay regardless.

I don't think it's wrong to make decisions based of feelings. Especially if they aren't fleeting and remain over a long period of time. I believe listening to your feelings and understanding why you feel how you do is valid and important. And doing something to change your feelings is equally important.

Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation. I don't see anything in wrong in not staying or committing to a marriage, even if traditionally marriage was meant to be forever...

Just my thoughts though.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:54 AM
SF
 
286 posts, read 323,982 times
Reputation: 207
Quote:
Originally Posted by meaning View Post
Oh well so we are just back to normal again, I guess
That's Great

Quote:
Originally Posted by meaning View Post

Marriage... really stressful hard work, I tell ya.

Yes I suppose so marriage is hard work
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Old 01-29-2014, 10:57 AM
 
3,063 posts, read 3,264,307 times
Reputation: 3641
I do believe that society nowadays is messed up. there are a lot of things wrong but I disagree with the idea that if a person is truly unhappy in there marriage despite honest attempts to work it out then that person needs to stay. I was in an ltr and i fell in and out of love over the first 6.5 years with him. I stayed regardless because it was worth it to me and we always managed to reignite what might have caused one or the other to lose or change their feelings. However once it got to the point where the unhappiness remained for a 1.5 years and nothing was changing that feeling despite attempts to, I knew that it was time to leave. The relationship was dysfunctional in many ways but we tried our best. But when I grew up and changed and could not get my footings back with him, it made no sense to stay.
It wasnt about me seeking happiness from him. It was about whether or not our relationship together had a meaningful positive impact on our lives. Whether or not we still complemented each other and enjoyed(on most days) being with each other. When that was no longer the case we ended it.

I don't think this means that people are making instant or quick decisions and undermining marriage and commitment. It simply means that he/she is acknowledging that a situation that at one pointed worked out, is not working out anymore. It's silly IMO to stay because you feel obligated or solely because of the commitment you had made 10--30 years ago. Once that marriage is broken, damaged, unhappy, or miserable it does no one favors to stay.

I don't read the bible and for that matter really believe in it so I'm not concerned with the sin of divorcing or with the idea that I must stay married forever.

I do agree that an issue that leads to divorce could be that many people are in fact marrying for the wrong reasons. I also believe that it is okay even if you marry for the right reason and later on change and feel that you can no longer be with that person.
Life is too short. People should make decisions that will allow them to lead the life that they want to lead. If personal happiness is important to someone, then once they are not happy they should be able to exit-guilt free.
I don't believe any decision should be set and stone, and that we can change our minds.
So for me is marriage forever realistic? Maybe, maybe not. It depends.
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,691 posts, read 41,633,601 times
Reputation: 41324
Quote:
Originally Posted by udolipixie View Post
I find it unrealistic in regards to heterosexual marriages considering how it seems most guys are quite lazy in marriage and doing their share, more gals have the freedom to leave unhappy/unhealthy marriages, and gals generally seem to be burdened with work and more work ala doing all/most of the household/childcare duties while their concerns are dismissed as nagging and they are pressured for unwanted sex solely for his benefit likely leading to lots of anger/resentment probably hence the divorce rate of gals mostly initiating.
As long as you are here, I'll never be the most cynical regular on CDs relationship forum. What a worldview.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: MN
1,311 posts, read 1,690,149 times
Reputation: 1598
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
Does it matter what happened though? Something happened, and whatever it was, despite trying to make it work several times, that person was still not able to get back to that 90 percent. Chances are whatever it is, the issue or circumstances surrounding the change in happiness--it was vallid enough to cause that person to no longer be as happy. And if they attempted to fix that issue several times and was unable to, are you really saying that they should not put stock
Into their feelings?
In reality, the people who actually make these kinds of efforts don't get divorced. More often than not, people aren't willing to make this effort because they'd rather let their feelings take precedence and get a divorce. Turns out, 1/3 of people who are just about to divorce report they wish they could reconcile but the people they know and are involved with (family, close friends) are tied to the idea that they divorce and it goes through.

It absolutely matters what happens. There are many things in life that occur which people don't pay attention to and how it affects the way you go about living. If you don't get to the root of the issue and work from that, you can't solve problems. Period.
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