Rewarding bad behavior or reverse psychology? (men, children, 2014, sex)
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Is this an actual problem you are having or are you just outraged that somewhere out there, a man is being "too nice" while his wife watches TV and you want him to put some "fear" in her?
No need to intimidate or instill fear...just grow a pair (I don't mean this directly at you OP). If a woman has become spoiled and conditioned to not contribute and eat bon-bons all day then whose fault is it, right? I don't think counseling has anything to do with it. Men can be firm and honest without intimidation and they need to stop being a doormat.
Because this man's criteria for successful marriage are not the same as this woman's. You just picked the wrong wife, my friend. And she picked the wrong husband.
Your definition of success is measured by your career and income; her definition of success is measured by neither and you have to clue, either.
It is possible in some situations that a mutually acceptable agreement cannot be reached.
Intimidation is still not going to fix it.
Ok, first run: Intimidation. Im just observing the comments and the trends (the way people think).
Next step, throw intimidation out of it. So now, do you just walk away quietly or do you allow the love that exists to trump personal desire and future success- because the person refuses to contribute?
Ok, first run: Intimidation. Im just observing the comments and the trends (the way people think).
Next step, throw intimidation out of it. So now, do you just walk away quietly or do you allow the love that exists to trump personal desire and future success- because the person refuses to contribute?
Depends on the true specifics of the situation, including the history. Inside of a real marriage, assume it is at least somewhat functioning, there are many shades of grey to individual expectations, whether the spouse/SO meets them, and how they are worked out. Ones that do not get worked out (or cannot be worked out), then come down to personal questions of whether one can live with it, work around it, or whether it will become a center for continued resentment and a toxin to the relationship.
Why is it that when a man is unhappy with his SO because as he works long days to contribute to the majority of the lifestyle that the two share, and while the other half fails to contribute as much- financially or the maintenance of their home, the advice given is to charm her, sit with her because she may have "things on her mind", woo her, and bring the relationship back to the beginning to get the slug to assist. But on the same note, it is also said that times have changed and that men should be more compassionate, sit and talk to his SO because in today’s society, as oppose to the 1950s, household roles should be equally shared and there is no such thing as gender playing roles (not taking into consideration any cultural upbringings).
If after 50 million "sit downs" and "talks", at what point can men be allowed to be men and finally slam the table and raise their voices- (without physical violence) placing back the fear and stop being soft without the possibilities of legal consequences in a 2014 domestic sensitive world? And if that doesn’t work, at what point can a man decide to leave a marriage or relationship of many years because he knows that the SO will not contribute in bringing a better future and love will not take them there? (even though he may have to leave her the house, the car, the kids, and half his assests)
Question in short- can future success and personal drive trump love or do we continue to have to reward bad behavior with kindness, softness, and weakness so at the end, we don't lose the shirts off our backs?
Can future success and personal drive trump love? Maybe but for that to happen there would actually have to be some love present. I don't see any in the above scenario. I see a whole lot of resentment. Being nice to your spouse to try to coerce them into housework? That's not love. Slamming tables and raising voices isn't love either. Thinking of the spouse as a slug? Still not feeling the love here. You can't force another person to do anything. If they don't help out around the house to your expectations, then you could be honest about that. And you could even be honest without the table slamming and yelling. If you feel your situation is bad enough you could leave.
If you want someone to clean your house then hire a maid. If you want a spouse, then treat her like one and show her respect and dignity instead of trying to use fear and coercion to get her to do your bidding.
Depends on the true specifics of the situation, including the history. Inside of a real marriage, assume it is at least somewhat functioning, there are many shades of grey to individual expectations, whether the spouse/SO meets them, and how they are worked out. Ones that do not get worked out (or cannot be worked out), then come down to personal questions of whether one can live with it, work around it, or whether it will become a center for continued resentment and a toxin to the relationship.
If you want someone to clean your house then hire a maid. If you want a spouse, then treat her like one and show her respect and dignity instead of trying to use fear and coercion to get her to do your bidding.
currently married for 18 years and have been in this same sitiution for almost all of those years. only have one child and promised to myself never to get a divorce. i have been doing all of the cooking, shoping, and 90% of the cleaning for at least 15 of these years. i have always felt that my child needs clean clothes, square meals etc,. and if my wife wont do this, then i have too. we have been to marriage counceling several times and that seems to help for a while then it all goes back to the same crap. my son is now 16 and sees mom siting around all day reading a book or taking a nap while i work all day then turn around and work another part time job to keep things going. i guess i should just pack up and leave, but i hate to put my kid through all of that. my thoughts were that my child never asked to be brought into this world so it is my responsibilty to keep the household togather.. am i just stupid?????
I see this all too often. That is why I brought up the question (for those trying to figure me out). A simple cut and paste of the above on google will reveal the source and so many of the "im in the same situation" responses.
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