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My boyfriend seems insecure or afraid of rejection. He seems to base the authenticity of our relationship on the frequency and duration of phone calls. He said before to me "if you don't call me I won't call you" and "I base care on how much a person calls; if they don't call me or return my call back then they don't care". I've explained to him that just because a person doesn't call first or return a call back does not mean their rejecting you, it could also mean they're busy. He also thinks if you don't answer the phone then that means you don't care. I've told him other factors could play into why a person wouldn't answer the phone/return a call, but he's just bent on believing that he's being rejected. He also said to me before that the reason he hates leaving voicemails is because he hates rejection if his call isn't returned (right away). He always also says to me "we can spend time together if you want". Not only do I think it's silly that he obviously thinks the woman he knows loves him (at least I think he knows this) is rejecting him when she doesn't answer the phone, but it's also ridiculous that he says "if you want". Why on Earth would he say "if"? Why should it even be a wonder that I want to spend time with him? I always let him know I love spending time with him, but yet he turns around and says "if I want" we can spend time together. He shouldn't be saying "if" because I never gave him a reason to think I maybe would not! What should I do??
I'm tired of wondering whether or not he wants to be bothered with me if I don't text/call him all day everyday. I have a very busy schedule and try my best to make time to contact him. I told him that just because I'm not texting/calling him doesn't mean I'm rejecting him and not thinking about him. This is taking an emotional toll on me. Then he never texts/calls me until I call/text him. I think it's really stupid and immature. Like who the hell bases their love on this ****? I think I should turn the tables on him and let him see how it feels, because it makes me sad the fact that he gets fickle over little **** like phone calls. Not only this but he also gaslights me and that drives me crazy; he'll say something and then turn around and say he didn't mean it when he makes it clear he did mean it, or he'll say he was only joking. Like cruel jokes for example; he'll make jokes about my intelligence and then turn around and say he was only joking, and then criticizes me because I wont laugh at his stupid cruel jokes. He gets irritated with me easily. Did I mention I told him I'm a sensitive girl and that I don't like these jokes? He wont even take that into consideration, so instead of "Baby I'm sorry about the jokes so I'll stop", I get "You have no sense of humor they're only jokes!". Then I'm left wondering if I am crazy one with no sense of humor. Then when I do call him I can hear in the tone of his voice that he doesn't want to talk.
My boyfriend shows some other signs where I believe I can't trust him, like complaining about how he had to contribute $2 towards a candy bar I wanted because I didnt have enough money, AFTER I gave him oral and let him make love to me, I would think giving me $2 wouldnt be a problem. He also is still involved with his ex girlfriend, and always talking about how he needs to be there for her and take care of her and he always says "I love you baby to her". This is raising red flags because I think if I'm the number one woman in his life, why on Earth is he tending to some other woman, especially when he has no complaints when it's time to tend to her every need? But it's a problem if i need a few dollars here and there. I also expressed to him, since my mother is sick, I want to help care for her around the house, and he said "She's an adult let her take care of herself". She's a senior and she's disabled. So the next day in reply to this I said "I think you should respect that I'm sweet enought to want to care for my mom. I mean I never told you that your ex girlfriend is an adult and that she needs to care for herself, so you shouldnt say that about my mom". He didnt even reply to this. Every deep concern that I have about things he either acts like he doesnt give a damn or he doesnt acknowledge it at all. Was I right for telling him that? I mean some part of me think I was wrong then another part thinks that he shouldn't be putting his ex girlfriend over me nor disrespecting the fact that I want to help my mom. Not only that but I also think he does things for me only when he expects to get something in return. I dont remember the last time he did something without wanting anything back for it. Like he buys me lunch and then immediately expects sex. One time when he had a few dollars to give me he wanted me to come to him to go pick it up, but yet he travels 3 country miles to go help his ex girlfriend out. What do I do with him? Can giving him more love and nurturing make him change and forget about his ex? I'm trying to give him more love and nurturing but tired of having my trust feel like it's being taken advantage of.
I would but I love him. I tried to leave him but every time I do I feel like I'll be letting him down. Is there something I can work out with him? Maybe extra love and nurturing can make him feel better? I give him plenty of love but it breaks my heart sometimes when he gets moody like this. And then I feel extra cautious with giving my love to him only to have my heart stepped on. I dont know what to do.
My boyfriend shows some other signs where I believe I can't trust him, like complaining about how he had to contribute $2 towards a candy bar I wanted because I didnt have enough money, AFTER I gave him oral and let him make love to me, I would think giving me $2 wouldnt be a problem.
Stopped reading after this. I find it strange that you are considering him childish and moody when you're talking about a $2.00 candy bar. Having sex with someone doesn't mean they owe you anything. You willingly gave yourself to him. Accepting or expecting anything in return is prostitution.
You yourself show signs of childish and immature tendencies. If you don't like how he acts, stop putting up with it. You've communicated this to him, yet you don't stick to your own rules. If you break your own rules, how do you expect him to follow them?
You claim that you love him but have tried to leave him in the past. Which one is it? You obviously know you want out, but I think you're looking for a reason to stay with him. Are you afraid of rejection too? Afraid that you won't find anyone else after him?
You've received solid advice. Leave. It's obvious to me that neither of you want to work to make this relationship work, so what else is there other than years of regret, a child or two, and then a mid-life crisis?
Also, you mention he's still involved with his ex. That's just a red flag burning itself into you. Sigh.
I stopped reading after the "If..., then ..." scenarios with the phone calls.
No, there is nothing you can do. You LOVE him? Do you REALLY think that? I don't.
Look at how you titled this thread. Do you WANT to be tied to a childish, moody, weird boyfriend???
Just stop for a second and get a grip. You can too leave him, but you don't want to because he has manipulated you with his moodiness until you now feel guilty.
Snap out of it, woman!
ETA: Just read your reply to the previous poster. Enjoy your short time here, "Sweetness."
given your response to drunkwithwords, I think you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other.
And as for the idea that just because you have sex with him you should be considered priceless and he should do everything for you. Good luck ever finding a guy of any kind of quality to stick around with that attitude.
I think you're getting defensive because you realize the severity of the situation but don't want to accept it. I've been there.
And OH GOD, I think you're dating my ex. Please get out of this relationship now. He is a tremendously insecure, manipulative, vindictive person and not only will he dump all of this onto you, he will feel ENTITLED to dump it on you. He's a professional victim and he needs someone to blame, specifically a woman. Don't be the garbage can for his psychological damage.
You feel bad for him, you feel you owe him because he's so broken. I felt the same way about my ex. But he WANTS you to feel that way, because you feeling indebted to him fits with his role as a professional victim. Do not play along. Trust me, it will cost you dearly.
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