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It sounds like she's a sweet girl and you really care about her, but she's just not the girl for you. Marriage is really really hard and it's a lot harder if you don't agree about how to manage your money, where to live, etc. I don't think you should feel guilty because all the concerns you listed are valid. It sounds like you want things to work out because you've been dating a certain amount of time and you have mutual friends now and your lives are so closely linked, but you can't ignore that voice in the back of your head telling you that she's not right for you.
In my opinion, you should just end the relationship. Be honest, but kind. Tell her you don't have the same ideas about money or where to live and that although you care about her deeply, you two are not right for each other. I think you should be kind, but firm and clear - this is the end of the relationship, period. She may love you enough and desire marriage enough that she might say she'll change, she might plead it can be worked out. And she might want to change, but no one should have to change the core of the person they are to please someone else. And it's not fair of you to let her even attempt to try.
You might be the bad guy in her mind and in the minds of your friends for awhile, but ultimately she will realize you did her a favor and she can meet someone who knows for sure they want to marry her and can't imagine life without her because she deserves that. And so do you. It's just not going to be with each other.
the challenge here is that I want to put some distance between us to collect my thoughts about the situation without the influence of being close to her which can sway me to stick on. She constantly wants to see me each and every day and constantly makes plans for us to go out or to do stuff with her friends. There is also the situation that many of my close friends have become friends with her as well and I know any breakup will be a huge disappointment to our friends as well... I know I shouldn't care about anyone else but this only puts even more pressure to stick on or at the very least question and second guess any decision one makes.
This sounds a little stifling. Everyone needs alone time, it's healthy. Also: don't make such an important decision based on disappointing your friends. That's the wrong reason to make a decision.
I think Elnina was right; she's not the right one, otherwise you wouldn't have so many doubts. Have you tried talking to her about giving you a little space, like not seeing each other every day, not spending the time you do have together always doing stuff with her friends? Bonding time at home is important, as is some alone time for each of you. It's all about finding the right balance.
P.S. I read your long post about the cruise, etc. You need to let her go. She picks fights over nothing. And she's not a good communicator. Good communication is essential. You've put in enough time waiting for things to improve. They haven't. Move on. I can see why it's hard to make that call, since you two have so much in common. But if you've truly tried to work on the communication issues and there's been no improvement, it's time to quit. If you really want to give it one more try, you two should get counseling on communication skills. Probably both of you have something to learn in that regard. And that co-signing thing with her family should scare the daylights out of you. Weird family.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-31-2014 at 12:01 PM..
soo... IF I want to take a 6 hour drive to Phoenix (from LA) to do some real estate research by myself and just needed some alone time to do it and she gets upset that I am going without her. Do you think this is being too clingy? I plan to drive up Fri eve and come back Sun eve.
Sit her down, tell her exactly how you feel, and stress that you need to take a few days to collect your thoughts, since the stress at work and your arguments have been somewhat overwhelming. You dont really have to talk about marriage or your future together, just tell her you need some alone time. Dont let anyone pressure you into marriage, its a losing proposition for men in general. If you really want it (for whatever unknown reason), then get married. Good rule of thumb is to think of your SO that they will be who they are today, for the rest of their lives. Dont wait for her to change.
It's also a big indicator that the OP is probably not ready to be married to this girl, since being married usually results in constant contact with one another.
Me and the GF have been together for just about 2 years and I would say in the past 6-7 months we've had some rifts between us. I'm 39 and she is 33. As the current situation stands we're doing ok but in the last month or two i've been having some doubts about the long term viability of the relationship especially since she has been waiting for marriage for a while.
I've always been clear that I am not yet ready but I seriously do not know when I will be confident enough to marry her. I've considered breakup many times but keep changing my mind as I do not know if that is the right course of action and at the last minute feel I should wait a bit longer to see how it goes. In addition, the last month I've had a lot of pressures at work and it's just been impossible to add any more stress to the situation without seriously compromising my performance at work so I just decided to put taking a decision off.
As I said our relationship has been up and down and sometimes I have a strong urge to stay and make it work and at other times I have a strong urge to just split up and forget about the whole thing. These are two extreme conflicting emotions and it's really confusing. How does one resolve this dilemma?
You break up for good.
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