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Old 06-18-2014, 02:08 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,272 times
Reputation: 10

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I was just about to write the whole story on my recently ended relationship BUT I realized that its not important... So here it is in a nutshell

Met a girl, single mom... 2 kids. Fell in love with her and her kids. Loved spending time with them and all that jazz.

We were together for 8 months. She told me things like "I want a child with you", "Your a great man" and stuff like that that made me feel somewhat special I guess.

She is 38, I am 40. I have never been married nor do I have kids.

Well about 2 months ago she had to go to Mexico to visit with a business partner. I had actually went down there with her and the kids a few months earlier for a vacation. Anyway she begged me to go with her but I was not able to leave since I was starting a new business. Once she got down there she kinda disappeared. She wouldn't return my texts for a few days nor did she show any interest in how I was doing.

When she got back I noticed she was drinking a lot. She said her phone batt was dead and did not have a charger for a few days or something like that. A few days after she returned I noticed she got a text from some guy that I never heard of. I asked her who he was and she said it was a friends little brother, her friends phone did not work here in the states since she lived in Mexico so she was contacting her through her brothers phone (he lives close to us)

I ended up seeing texts from her whatsapp texts. Her phone was working the whole time down there and she was texting her friends little brother stuff like "We have to keep what we did a secret, no one can find out" He wrote back "OK, I miss you already", she wrote back "I miss you too" and all that kind of great stuff.

Needless to say I was heartbroken and crushed. I know some people do not get affected by this stuff but it affected me. I stormed out of the house, told her to loose my number and have not contacted her since. She tried to call me but I did not answer, she emailed me but I did not respond and she also texted me but I just erased them before reading. This all went down about 7 weeks ago.

I was able to say goodbye to her older kid (14) but the 9 yo was not home. I felt sssooo bad that I just left and was not able to tell the younger one how much I adored her and cared about her. I finally was able to get her a card and some gifts I had for her. I expressed to her that she was important to me and that I thought of her ofter and that I was sorry things did not work out between her mom and I. I did not want her to think or feel like I did not care about her since I left the relationship. Well she called the other day to say thanks for the stuff and it was nice to briefly talk to her. She also said that her mom misses me...


Sorry, this is turning out to be longer then I expected. I will end it with this and your help would be appreciated

Is it normal that I still think of my ex? I wonder about her... how she is doing and stuff. I wonder if she even cared about me or if I just got played... I have learned a lot about myself through this, so no matter what I have grown from it BUT wow does that hurt. I am at fault for having expectations and ambitions. How long will this last? How long will I feel betrayed and hurt? I still get the urge to react but I just wait till it passes and I do not react. I try to embrace the uncomfortable emotions and remember that they will pass. She pops into my head a ton.

Comments on your thoughts or experience would be appreciated.

Thanks
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by vailshed View Post
I was just about to write the whole story on my recently ended relationship BUT I realized that its not important... So here it is in a nutshell

Met a girl, single mom... 2 kids. Fell in love with her and her kids. Loved spending time with them and all that jazz.

We were together for 8 months. She told me things like "I want a child with you", "Your a great man" and stuff like that that made me feel somewhat special I guess.

She is 38, I am 40. I have never been married nor do I have kids.

Well about 2 months ago she had to go to Mexico to visit with a business partner. I had actually went down there with her and the kids a few months earlier for a vacation. Anyway she begged me to go with her but I was not able to leave since I was starting a new business. Once she got down there she kinda disappeared. She wouldn't return my texts for a few days nor did she show any interest in how I was doing.

When she got back I noticed she was drinking a lot. She said her phone batt was dead and did not have a charger for a few days or something like that. A few days after she returned I noticed she got a text from some guy that I never heard of. I asked her who he was and she said it was a friends little brother, her friends phone did not work here in the states since she lived in Mexico so she was contacting her through her brothers phone (he lives close to us)

I ended up seeing texts from her whatsapp texts. Her phone was working the whole time down there and she was texting her friends little brother stuff like "We have to keep what we did a secret, no one can find out" He wrote back "OK, I miss you already", she wrote back "I miss you too" and all that kind of great stuff.

Needless to say I was heartbroken and crushed. I know some people do not get affected by this stuff but it affected me. I stormed out of the house, told her to loose my number and have not contacted her since. She tried to call me but I did not answer, she emailed me but I did not respond and she also texted me but I just erased them before reading. This all went down about 7 weeks ago.

I was able to say goodbye to her older kid (14) but the 9 yo was not home. I felt sssooo bad that I just left and was not able to tell the younger one how much I adored her and cared about her. I finally was able to get her a card and some gifts I had for her. I expressed to her that she was important to me and that I thought of her ofter and that I was sorry things did not work out between her mom and I. I did not want her to think or feel like I did not care about her since I left the relationship. Well she called the other day to say thanks for the stuff and it was nice to briefly talk to her. She also said that her mom misses me...


Sorry, this is turning out to be longer then I expected. I will end it with this and your help would be appreciated

Is it normal that I still think of my ex? I wonder about her... how she is doing and stuff. I wonder if she even cared about me or if I just got played... I have learned a lot about myself through this, so no matter what I have grown from it BUT wow does that hurt. I am at fault for having expectations and ambitions. How long will this last? How long will I feel betrayed and hurt? I still get the urge to react but I just wait till it passes and I do not react. I try to embrace the uncomfortable emotions and remember that they will pass. She pops into my head a ton.

Comments on your thoughts or experience would be appreciated.

Thanks
You sound like a really good guy and I'm sorry this happened to you!

You said "some people don't get affected by this stuff", but I don't think that's true at all. MOST people would be crushed to discover their SO cheated on them when out of town.

What you are feeling right now is very "normal"! You still think about her because you still have feelings for her. What she did was horrible and hurt you, but just because you are hurt doesn't mean your love for her just evaporates immediately.

You need time to process all this and get over her, that's all.

Be careful not to let her use your affection for her kids as a way to manipulate you back into her life.

IF in time she can prove to you that she is sincerely sorry for her actions, and take full responsibility for them by coming clean to you you could consider giving her another chance. Many couples can in time overcome cheating in their relationship. BUT that usually only happens with the help of a good relationship counselor.

I think you are better off without her myself. But it's your life and you have to be the one to live it

For now I suggest you just take the time you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Once the newness of this hurt and betrayal wanes a bit you'll have better perspective. Best of luck!
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Earth
4,575 posts, read 5,176,063 times
Reputation: 7010
Well I am not tolerant of cheaters.

This half is about her. If you wanna skip to avoid anger or sadness you can.
Spoiler
If she really loved you, and wanted your baby, then she ought to be able to control herself around other men. Not to say she is easy and sleeps with anyone. But when she went there, she was already in a relationship with a man who was close to her children. So, she should have had some self-control and loyalty.

She may miss you now. but she should've thought about you before she got with some other man. And the relationship sounded fine. Stable, nurturing, you loved her kids. So it's not like you 2 had broken up and were on rocks, and she was emotional. She had a great guy, and was easily wooed and taken in by another man.

So, I think you were right to dump her. When you cheat, you didn't value the person you cheated on. And even after she got back and you were right there, she's still in contact with this guy and saying she misses him. So, she just royally messed up, stupidly, here.

So, I think it's normal to think about her. But I don't think you should go back to her. There'd always be in the back of your mind

"Is she still talking to him?"
"Is she cheating on me now?"
"Will she cheat again?"

When someone just randomly cheats and gives in to charms when they have a stable relationship already, they just have no will-power, or they're spoiled and want it all--to have 1 partner, but still have others too, either relationships or casual affairs.

So, she probably did like you alot. But her true colors came out with this. And that's that she doesn't love you unconditionally like it seemed if she starting ignoring you in favor of the next nice guy she met. When she was with this guy, you didn't even exist, since you say her texts stopped. Maybe she had genuine feelings for this guy, and you can't help developing feelings. But if you're taken, you should avoid getting that close to someone in the 1st place.

So liked, probably liked you as a person, enjoyed your company, etc you, - but, didn't love you. So, if she wants that other guy so much, let her keep talking to him. Seems like she wanted 2 guys for different places. You for home, and her long-distance hot buddy that she still contacted when with you.

It may be best to say goodbye to her kids since you are not on the best terms with their mom. And unless she's very liberal, they don't know why you left--her not divulging that info, thus their mother being a cheater is hidden, and they will be bound to take her side and guilt you for leaving.

So, I don't blame you for keeping contact with her kids. But be careful. Don't let them, or her guilt you into going back to her, because sometimes you have to realize a bad decision before you make it. A 2nd chance doesn't always happen, and it seems like she doesn't need one. So, no guilt trips.


Now, your feelings are normal. You loved her, gave your heart to her, and she just betrayed you. So, feelings disappointed, sad, and angry is all normal. You may even feel bad about yourself and wonder if it's something you did that led to this.

But it's only been 2 months. You are normal. Hell, when I lost a beloved pet, I was depressed for 3 months, and cried thinking of him. So, I can imagine how losing a lover feels. If you get mad, think of some happy times. If that starts to waver you, and you wanna get back with her, think of how untrustworthy she's proven to be.

Then over time, try not to think about her at all. If she pops into your head, call a friend, or family, go out and do something. Take of a hobby, etc. You have to keep busy, productively, to avoid harming yourself, or anyone else. Then slowly, you get better, and it's not as horrific, even if you do think about it sometimes.

Last edited by HappyRain; 06-18-2014 at 02:44 PM..
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:20 PM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,842,854 times
Reputation: 22693
Yes, being cheated on by someone you love hurts unbelievably. But it does get better. My betrayal happened after being together for years, not months, and it turned my life upside-down.

It does get better with time. It's normal to think about her, but don't obsess about her. If you seem to be focusing only on the bad things (her betrayal) also remind yourself of the good things (the happy times, what you liked about her), even if it makes you sad. If you only seem to be focusing on the good things, remind yourself of the negative things. When people obsess about someone, it usually becomes completely black or white; the person is all-good or all-bad. Remember she's just a flawed human being with good and bad in her. The good things, you loved, but the bad things, including cheating, mean she must just be a part of your past. It's really hard to put an all-good or all-bad person in the past, but it's much easier to move on from an ordinary person.

What also helped me was to remind myself of the thousands, millions, of people who have been cheated on in the world. I was not the first person to feel this pain, and I was not alone. Even if it felt like the worst pain any human being ever felt, I knew that wasn't true. For some reason, just reminding myself that I was a "statistic" and that this situation was a cliché, made me feel better and stronger.

It hasn't even been 2 months yet. It's normal to still be screwed-up. Focus on your work, the other people in your life, and most of all, yourself. and DON'T get into another relationship until you are feeling better and she's permanently in the past.
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:27 PM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,914,439 times
Reputation: 15255
Quote:
Originally Posted by vailshed View Post
I was just about to write the whole story on my recently ended relationship BUT I realized that its not important... So here it is in a nutshell

Met a girl, single mom... 2 kids. Fell in love with her and her kids. Loved spending time with them and all that jazz.

We were together for 8 months. She told me things like "I want a child with you", "Your a great man" and stuff like that that made me feel somewhat special I guess.

She is 38, I am 40. I have never been married nor do I have kids.

Well about 2 months ago she had to go to Mexico to visit with a business partner. I had actually went down there with her and the kids a few months earlier for a vacation. Anyway she begged me to go with her but I was not able to leave since I was starting a new business. Once she got down there she kinda disappeared. She wouldn't return my texts for a few days nor did she show any interest in how I was doing.

When she got back I noticed she was drinking a lot. She said her phone batt was dead and did not have a charger for a few days or something like that. A few days after she returned I noticed she got a text from some guy that I never heard of. I asked her who he was and she said it was a friends little brother, her friends phone did not work here in the states since she lived in Mexico so she was contacting her through her brothers phone (he lives close to us)

I ended up seeing texts from her whatsapp texts. Her phone was working the whole time down there and she was texting her friends little brother stuff like "We have to keep what we did a secret, no one can find out" He wrote back "OK, I miss you already", she wrote back "I miss you too" and all that kind of great stuff.

Needless to say I was heartbroken and crushed. I know some people do not get affected by this stuff but it affected me. I stormed out of the house, told her to loose my number and have not contacted her since. She tried to call me but I did not answer, she emailed me but I did not respond and she also texted me but I just erased them before reading. This all went down about 7 weeks ago.

I was able to say goodbye to her older kid (14) but the 9 yo was not home. I felt sssooo bad that I just left and was not able to tell the younger one how much I adored her and cared about her. I finally was able to get her a card and some gifts I had for her. I expressed to her that she was important to me and that I thought of her ofter and that I was sorry things did not work out between her mom and I. I did not want her to think or feel like I did not care about her since I left the relationship. Well she called the other day to say thanks for the stuff and it was nice to briefly talk to her. She also said that her mom misses me...


Sorry, this is turning out to be longer then I expected. I will end it with this and your help would be appreciated

Is it normal that I still think of my ex? I wonder about her... how she is doing and stuff. I wonder if she even cared about me or if I just got played... I have learned a lot about myself through this, so no matter what I have grown from it BUT wow does that hurt. I am at fault for having expectations and ambitions. How long will this last? How long will I feel betrayed and hurt? I still get the urge to react but I just wait till it passes and I do not react. I try to embrace the uncomfortable emotions and remember that they will pass. She pops into my head a ton.

Comments on your thoughts or experience would be appreciated.

Thanks
You have a big heart.

Your heart is bigger than your head. I say that because your logic of still thinking about her after weeks is not good.

Make sure you stay away from her!

Thank your lucky stars you don't have a baby with her.
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:30 PM
 
7,372 posts, read 14,652,406 times
Reputation: 7045
Shes probably worse off without you if that is any consolation.
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Old 06-18-2014, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Yes, being cheated on by someone you love hurts unbelievably. But it does get better. My betrayal happened after being together for years, not months, and it turned my life upside-down.

It does get better with time. It's normal to think about her, but don't obsess about her. If you seem to be focusing only on the bad things (her betrayal) also remind yourself of the good things (the happy times, what you liked about her), even if it makes you sad. If you only seem to be focusing on the good things, remind yourself of the negative things. When people obsess about someone, it usually becomes completely black or white; the person is all-good or all-bad. Remember she's just a flawed human being with good and bad in her. The good things, you loved, but the bad things, including cheating, mean she must just be a part of your past. It's really hard to put an all-good or all-bad person in the past, but it's much easier to move on from an ordinary person.

What also helped me was to remind myself of the thousands, millions, of people who have been cheated on in the world. I was not the first person to feel this pain, and I was not alone. Even if it felt like the worst pain any human being ever felt, I knew that wasn't true. For some reason, just reminding myself that I was a "statistic" and that this situation was a cliché, made me feel better and stronger.

It hasn't even been 2 months yet. It's normal to still be screwed-up. Focus on your work, the other people in your life, and most of all, yourself. and DON'T get into another relationship until you are feeling better and she's permanently in the past.
All good advice, to which I'll just add, just be good to yourself OP. Eat right, drink enough water, exercise every day and try to get enough sleep. Sounds simple, but it's not so easy when you are emotionally distressed. However, if you can concentrate on that you'll be doing yourself a big favor!
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Old 06-18-2014, 03:47 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,272 times
Reputation: 10
Wow, Ok! Thanks for the quick reply's. You guys are great!

Its good to know my reaction is normal!!

Yes, I did and do love her, especially the kids.

Its crazy, I go from being resentful at her 1 day to feeling compassion for her the next. I would much rather be in the compassionate state over the resentful state.

I have no plans to communicate with her for awhile if ever. I actually have a few things at her place but I decided to just write them off instead of having to go over there to get them. She in a master manipulator and can make my head spin in question.

And I am positive that I am not ready to get into another relationship also...

Its kinda wild how if you really dive into emotions you can learn about yourself. I have learned that I became somewhat co dependent on her in a way. Or I did for that time we were together.

And yes, it definitely messed with my self esteem. For the first few weeks I couldn't wrap my head around why she did it. Was I not good looking enough, Was I bad in bed, Did I not show her enough attention, All these thoughts were constantly going through my mind. I have gotten past those I think, at least through the worst of it.

And when I am in the compassionate frame of mind, I can accept that she is a human being and that she has her own issues. I always noticed she had very low self esteem issues which concerned me.
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Old 06-18-2014, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by vailshed View Post
Wow, Ok! Thanks for the quick reply's. You guys are great!

Its good to know my reaction is normal!!

Yes, I did and do love her, especially the kids.

Its crazy, I go from being resentful at her 1 day to feeling compassion for her the next. I would much rather be in the compassionate state over the resentful state.

I have no plans to communicate with her for awhile if ever. I actually have a few things at her place but I decided to just write them off instead of having to go over there to get them. She in a master manipulator and can make my head spin in question.

And I am positive that I am not ready to get into another relationship also...

Its kinda wild how if you really dive into emotions you can learn about yourself. I have learned that I became somewhat co dependent on her in a way. Or I did for that time we were together.

And yes, it definitely messed with my self esteem. For the first few weeks I couldn't wrap my head around why she did it. Was I not good looking enough, Was I bad in bed, Did I not show her enough attention, All these thoughts were constantly going through my mind. I have gotten past those I think, at least through the worst of it.

And when I am in the compassionate frame of mind, I can accept that she is a human being and that she has her own issues. I always noticed she had very low self esteem issues which concerned me.
You are actually doing much better than you may realize Many folks take a lot longer than 7 weeks to come to some of the realizations you have.

DO NOT, under any circumstances allow yourself to think there was anything "wrong" with you or that you weren't "good enough" in bed or otherwise!!!

What she did was on HER and is a result of HER poor character and own problems okay?

Having compassion for her is fine, a good thing for you to do actually in the long run. But don't let that compassion be an excuse to give her a pass on this thing. If you are ever going to give her another chance she needs to EARN it.
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Old 06-18-2014, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
32 posts, read 41,003 times
Reputation: 23
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