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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Things like that don't happen out of the blue in long-term relationships. If a couple was only dating a few months, it would be a no-brainer, as there is really no commitment there. But one woman was in a four-year relationship and the other was in a marriage. If their relationships were healthy, they would have felt they could talk to their men about an unwanted pregnancy. Something else is going on with both of those couples. I'd bet the rent on it.
For the one who was engaged, I wonder if she didn't want to marry the guy. For the one who was married, maybe she feared coercion, derision, or some kind of punishment for not wanting a child. We don't have their side of it, so any answers anyone provides here are just going to be knee-jerk and based on the assumption that these women are duplicitous. For all anyone here knows, maybe the men are abusers, criminals, or other unsavory types. Maybe the relationships were already unraveling and these women didn't want any permanent ties to the men. Women in long-term relationships and marriages don't just wake up one day and say, "Dang, pregnant, gotta go get that taken care of," like it's a squealing fan belt.
You make fair points. If the woman is considering a secret abortion in those circumstances, the relationship is probably close to over anyway.
However, I think that if I caused a pregnancy, I should at the very least be notified and the woman and I can talk about the situation. If she is deadset on abortion even after talking to me, that I can understand and that would be the end of our relationship anyway. But going totally behind my back, I think that is just wrong.
I would have thought that a couple would discuss if they were ready (financially, emotionally, etc.) to have a child, and then if the answer was, yes, sooner or later a pregnancy would occur. If at that point the woman decided that she did not like the idea, my feeling is that this must be discussed with her husband/partner.
If the woman feels that she can make a decision to end the pregnancy without consulting her husband, and then does it in secret there is not just a problem about this particular terminated pregnancy, but rather a basic, fundamental question about the foundation of the relationship itself. It suggests to me that a whole host of events in the marriage could end up being "solved" by one-sided, secret decisions.
If I, as a man, were in this position, this event would certainly kill my trust in my spouse. And a marital relationship without trust is on a very rocky road. I have had a couple of friendships where this happened, and it really hollowed them out. I cannot imagine that it would not do worse to a marriage.
If a couple decided that it was time to have kids, but no pregnancies resulted....and then the husband let it out that he had decided to have a vasectomy, I think that the woman would feel totally back-stabbed, and that she would have every right to feel that way. (At least in the case of an abortion, there can be later pregnancies....but should there be?)
I can think of any word to imagine how this guy in the story must now be feeling. The woman had an abortion behind his back. She acted as if nothing happened and informs him about it 3 days later what she did.
This must really suck. If the man does wants the baby (I think it's because very little is mentioned about male attachment towards the baby), the woman is fully aware of this but still aborts the baby behind his back and comes home telling him the baby is dead because she had an abortion.
I'd be more upset with a society that doesn't allow me any reproductive rights as a man.
I would have thought that a couple would discuss if they were ready (financially, emotionally, etc.) to have a child, and then if the answer was, yes, sooner or later a pregnancy would occur. If at that point the woman decided that she did not like the idea, my feeling is that this must be discussed with her husband/partner.
If the woman feels that she can make a decision to end the pregnancy without consulting her husband, and then does it in secret there is not just a problem about this particular terminated pregnancy, but rather a basic, fundamental question about the foundation of the relationship itself. It suggests to me that a whole host of events in the marriage could end up being "solved" by one-sided, secret decisions.
If I, as a man, were in this position, this event would certainly kill my trust in my spouse. And a marital relationship without trust is on a very rocky road. I have had a couple of friendships where this happened, and it really hollowed them out. I cannot imagine that it would not do worse to a marriage.
If a couple decided that it was time to have kids, but no pregnancies resulted....and then the husband let it out that he had decided to have a vasectomy, I think that the woman would feel totally back-stabbed, and that she would have every right to feel that way. (At least in the case of an abortion, there can be later pregnancies....but should there be?)
To play devil's advocate here, I wonder what purpose "consulting" her husband would serve. A man cannot force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term in this country, he's not the one going through the pregnancy and labor, it's not his health that is involved or at risk, and let's be honest here: Women are still by and large the primary caregivers of children. Men simply are not as involved in child-rearing as women, in general, so asking a woman to have a child she does not want is not only asking her to risk her health and body, it's asking her to do all the work of motherhood. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to, and that should be respected.
If a woman is sitting the fence because she's not sure if her husband would be open to having a child, that's one thing. But if she knows that nothing and no one will be able to talk her out of it because she does not want to put her body through a pregnancy, give birth, or have a child, what is there to "consult" about? One of the men did say that he would have tried to talk her out of it, and she knew it. That's a form of coercion and I will lay money that's why she did it when he was away on a business trip. In situations like this, when a woman's health and body are on the line, it's her call, and it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Like it or not, once sperm meets egg, men's choices are over. Call it unfair if you want, but that is the reality of it.
The part about the vasectomy is not relevant. The equivalent would be if a woman had her tubes tied and never told a prospective partner that when she knows he wants kids. That would mean the relationship is founded, in part, on a lie. That is not the same as life throwing the curveball of an unintended and unwanted pregnancy.
The simple solution to this would be for the guy to have a contract affair with another woman and bring the baby home.
"Hey honey! Look what I ordered 9 months ago!"
If you decide to forgive her and stay in the relationship with her I suggest you both go to a marriage counselor to try to work through this. This situation could ultimately destroy your marriage.
The simple solution to this would be for the guy to have a contract affair with another woman and bring the baby home.
"Hey honey! Look what I ordered 9 months ago!"
To which the response should be, "Good for you! Enjoy taking care of, feeding, cleaning up after, and raising your kid. I'm on my way to Cancun with my divorce attorney now."
You make fair points. If the woman is considering a secret abortion in those circumstances, the relationship is probably close to over anyway.
However, I think that if I caused a pregnancy, I should at the very least be notified and the woman and I can talk about the situation. If she is deadset on abortion even after talking to me, that I can understand and that would be the end of our relationship anyway. But going totally behind my back, I think that is just wrong.
Don't even get me started on how men get screwed over when comes to women's "abortion rights"/marriage/family law. If a woman gets pregnant and want's to have a abortion and the man wants to keep the baby, then there's nothing he can do about it. BUT if the woman gets pregnant, and the man doesn't want it, then he still get hit up for child support. As far as the OP I would diffiently be pissed if my wife went behind my back and got an abortion. Our marriage/relationship would be over.
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