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He's terrible at communication and he's wishy washy about committing... but he has a lot of very good qualities in a man (and in a mate).
When I am with him he always puts me before himself. Of course, he has to keep his shop open at the posted hours--that's his lively hood, but when I am there he doesn't work late. Everything we do is centered around me... if he finds out I want to see a certain movie, he takes be to the best theater in town (one of those ones with a full bar and recliner seats) and watches it with me... even if he had no interest in going. When we go out, he gets all doors for me. He even drops me off at the front of restaurants, opens the door for me, and then goes and parks the truck (I have never ONCE had a man do that sort of thing for me).
He does things with me and for me that he doesn't do for other friends. and when I was with him on my birthday, it was a big deal to him (and he pretty much spoiled me all day). He is very into trying to make me happy... when I am there. And sex too, to be PG about it... he takes care of my needs first. He's not a selfish lover at all. When he gets out of bed in the morning, the first thing he does is put extra blankets on me... kisses my shoulder too and tucks me in because he knows I get cold easily (he thinks I am asleep when he does this).
So he is a good friend and a good man... deep down, I can see it. That's why I feel he's worth giving the extra effort/time that I wouldn't give to just any man.
It's when I am not there with him that it feels like I am out of sight, out of mind and when I need to put in almost all the effort. That's when he gets "busy" and forgets about me. And I know what he's doing though friends... he's working late at his shop. When I call him there, I can sometime catch him there... 2, 3, 4 hours after closing time doing paper work, working on shop floor to get things caught up, etc.
It's pretty much hot and cold depending on where I am (if I am close to him or far from him). That's why I have the wonder... is he interested in me or am I a nice "diversion" to break the monotony when I come to visit.
It sounds like you really want it to work. I don't think you're making excuses for him so much, but you REALLY WANT this to work. Sometimes the REALLY WANT it to work mentality SEVERILY overlooks the true nature of the relationship. If you only feel like you're in a relationship the few days you're with him and you're apart for 4-8 weeks at a time. That's not a relationship. That's an FWB (since you two are having sex). He's wining and dining you when it's ultimately convenient for him, but is not truly trying to acknowledge your feelings as well (the time when you're apart).
Don't get caught up in what he does for you while you're there with what he doesn't do for you when you're gone. It sounds like, and I'm only projecting my thoughts, that he hopes what he does the few days you are there is good enough to carry you the weeks to months you are gone. Ask yourself OP, are you ok long term with that commitment? From what you're telling, you're not.
I do have a question. Why casually date multiple people if ultimately you want to pursue a long-term commitment? I ask due to I don't see how it can go from casual to serious very easily. At 30, I can't find a casual female friend, unless it's the ones that want to do a group night along with their boyfriend. My point is, I think people that are looking for casual dating, are looking for casual for that reason. They truly don't want it to be anything more than casual. Just like men/women hate when they're dating and they are serious, yet everyone they run into is casual.
I think the bridge from casual to long-term is not as easy as everyone states. As we age, I just don't believe in the we were friends for a long time and then one day we decided to be committed long-term. I have always seen it as two people are casual and date casually together, or they are long-term minded and both make a long-term commitment together. To me being long-term and dating casual just murks the water. I'm using my geographical location for example, but I haven't pursued a casual female friendship in a number of years. Even when I was casually hooking up with women, every single one of them wanted the chance for a potential long-term commitment. None of them were ok with just friends. Now, I am on the fence of wanting to be just friends with a female as well. I'm VERY OPEN to a friendship with no sex. I kinda feel that women automatically assume I'm after them romantically, because I'm an older guy who's single and they're an older woman who's single. They already have their wall up that no guys can talk to them, unless they find them interesting enough to date.
Being just friends feels like a pipe dream for me now. It worked well in my college years and in my mid twenties, but over time it became less and less of the end goal for women. Sooner or later they wanted a husband, child(ren), house, pets, etc. Casual is no longer good for them. I think casual works best for the divorced person, who may be older, who's getting back into the dating game and getting their feet wet. I just don't see many men or women, at 30, who are looking for that "college years" casual freindship. Even if no sex is involved. Why do all the things you would do with a boyfriend, but not get the boyfriend? Why "waste" the time?
Well, I want him as a boyfriend. I want the commitment--exclusivity at least--with the man I am dating. I want to share my life, hopes, and dreams with that man and be part of his life and share in his hopes and dreams as well. But he can't do it yet--he can't commit. And don't know if he's ever going to commit. And I am not talking marriage or even engagement. I just want him to say, "she's my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend." If he can't even make that step, what future is there with him? I don't want to waste my time and be in "relationship limbo" forever. I really don't "want" to move on, but I have to face the fact that this might never go anywhere. Maybe that's my baggage from my own failed marriage... I clung to my marriage for years even well after it was dead in a hope to make it work. I only accepted the end when my Ex left me and asked for a divorce. I guess don't want to repeat my mistakes with another man and cling to what could be a dead relationship.
I am just curious on other people’s opinions on something. Should I start dating other men?
I’ve mentioned before that I am dating a man long distance. We’ve been friends for years, but are only now both single at the same time and I go out his way a lot because of a shared hobby we have. We’ve seemed to hit it off well… at least I thought so at first.
We’ve been “dating†each other for a couple of months (although since it’s long distance, the actual time together is only about 10 days in the past three months… basically what weekends I can hop a plane and go see him). We were seeing each other before that as well--as friends. I’d say in the past year, we’ve spent 30 days together with me staying at his house. He treats me well when I am with him and we have a great time. And while we haven’t agreed about being exclusive, we’ve had sex several times over the past few months. I love that when he thinks I am asleep (he wakes up early and it wakes me up) that he gives me a kiss on the shoulder. It's just so tender. I fall right back asleep after that.
Despite not exclusive, I also know that he’s not seeing anyone else. We have mutual friends who would tell me… he is very involved with running his shop/business and that he’s there 12-16 hours a day then he goes home and crashes. Until I came along, he had not had a date in over 8 years. So there is no other woman/women.
On my last visit, I asked him the nature of our relationship. Because I wanted to know… can I call him my boyfriend or not? Are we exclusive? He merely replied that he didn’t know yet and that I was “very special to him†and that he wanted to take things slowly. He also has reservations about long distance. So in the end, I got no answers and our dating is still open and still a secret to friends (although they aren't stupid, they know something is up. They made sly references to me all the time).
The combination of the open endedness, secrecy, and not feeling like I am a priority makes me feel like I am just not good enough for him and that's why he’s keeping his options open. I think if we were exclusive and agreed to it... or we were openly dating, I wouldn't have an issue. It's the combination. I used to feel that we had something special... but not so much anymore. I am spending a lot of time (and money traveling) as well as emotional investment on a "maybe."In the meantime, there are plenty of men right where I live. Heck, this past weekend I was asked out by a man in my neighborhood. If I started trying... I bet I could easily start dating again.
My one reservation… I don’t want to hurt my old friend; especially considering his poor history with women and love. That is, assuming he even has any kind of feelings for me at all to get hurt. But if I do start dating again and if I meet someone else who does wants to be exclusive, what I have with my old friend is over. The friendship might be over too. But I felt something more with him was worth the risk.
Any advice out there from CD land? I just want to see if there is something I might be missing and want to do whatever results in the least amount of drama or pain for him while still being fair to myself. Or are my feelings (I feel hurt right now) clouding my judgement?
I think you should cool it with this guy for a while....why are you flying to see him all the time.? Does he ever come to you? Does he offer to pay your way? does he take you to dinner? Maybe his bad luck with women was caused by his behavior? If your so called relationship is what you think it may be, why is it a secret? I think there are a lot of red flags that you are just refusing to see....I'm sorry to be so blunt but why not start dating some others and see the difference. Don't be so available to this "friend with benefits" been there done that...it doesn't work...there is always one person who wants more...and in this case its you. Good Luck
Well, I want him as a boyfriend. I want the commitment--exclusivity at least--with the man I am dating. I want to share my life, hopes, and dreams with that man and be part of his life and share in his hopes and dreams as well. But he can't do it yet--he can't commit. And don't know if he's ever going to commit. And I am not talking marriage or even engagement. I just want him to say, "she's my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend." If he can't even make that step, what future is there with him? I don't want to waste my time and be in "relationship limbo" forever. I really don't "want" to move on, but I have to face the fact that this might never go anywhere. Maybe that's my baggage from my own failed marriage... I clung to my marriage for years even well after it was dead in a hope to make it work. I only accepted the end when my Ex left me and asked for a divorce. I guess don't want to repeat my mistakes with another man and cling to what could be a dead relationship.
Is the title of BF/GF going to change anything about what you're experiencing now? I honestly don't think so.
His good qualities, do you not believe they would be found in another man? Are you clinging to hope with this man because you've been friends for a long time? It comes across like you still are just friends, although with a few extra non-friend perks when you do actually see him.
I couldn't invest too much in a LDR, especially for the little I get in return like you describe here.
Well, I want him as a boyfriend. I want the commitment--exclusivity at least--with the man I am dating. I want to share my life, hopes, and dreams with that man and be part of his life and share in his hopes and dreams as well. But he can't do it yet--he can't commit. And don't know if he's ever going to commit. And I am not talking marriage or even engagement. I just want him to say, "she's my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend." If he can't even make that step, what future is there with him? I don't want to waste my time and be in "relationship limbo" forever. I really don't "want" to move on, but I have to face the fact that this might never go anywhere. Maybe that's my baggage from my own failed marriage... I clung to my marriage for years even well after it was dead in a hope to make it work. I only accepted the end when my Ex left me and asked for a divorce. I guess don't want to repeat my mistakes with another man and cling to what could be a dead relationship.
I told you... that guy needs a kick in the azz by one of his good friends.........
He isn't interested in anything more serious, he's made that quite clear, but you are refusing to see it. You can't force him to become the boyfriend you want him to be. He is perfectly fine with things the way they are.
Thanks again. Everyone in this thread has been very helpful and this thread has given me a lot to think about--including angles I didn't see (not only about the nature of the what this "relationship" is but also some insight into myself). I am pretty certain I don't want to be a FWB situation... seems like a those are get nowhere "relationships" and a big waste of time. I rather spend my time finding a man who wants a relationship with substance.
Thanks again. Everyone in this thread has been very helpful and this thread has given me a lot to think about--including angles I didn't see (not only about the nature of the what this "relationship" is but also some insight into myself). I am pretty certain I don't want to be a FWB situation... seems like a those are get nowhere "relationships" and a big waste of time. I rather spend my time finding a man who wants a relationship with substance.
When I was in your situation once upon a time, a good friend asked me "how come you put all your eggs in one basket?" - she was right. I started dating another man with an open mind and turns out he was the husband. Sometimes when you focus on just one egg, you don't realize the ones that are all around you.
Yah sorry Jill, he sounds like he is just along for the ride and has no interest being your partner. He just likes what you do for him and will ride that out until you are forced to be he "bad guy" in the situation.
All this guarding my heart blah blah blah is just his way of showing you he isn't ready for anything outside of a mothering relationship.
It's not just about him, and if he really thought more of you and your situation together wouldn't be so hesitant to move forward.
You have to drop your emotional connection and see things for what they are outside of the connection you have made with this person, without doing this all you will have is a biased judgment and only to be able to see things they way you choose them to be.
...But it's also written from the perspective of a guy that isn't an expert on human behavior...
... I think a lot of people (men especially) who have been hurt and betrayed by those they love have a rougher time getting over it. ...
...I think it's interesting, when I talk to divorced men about this (men who are or were in the same situation of the man I am seeing) they all seem to tell me I need to be patient and give him time.
Nobody is really an expert on human behavior, least of all the self-styled experts. One can be an expert on particle physics, on botany, on cardiology, on Buddhist sculpture... but not on people. People defy expertise.
Divorce is one of those transformative experiences that changes our perspective, our very psyche. Perhaps it's like being in combat, or losing a child, or surviving cancer. In some regards, the survivor takes the long view, no longer fretting over minor things, patiently waiting. In other regards, there's a burning its to be partnered with somebody again, even if that somebody is not only suboptimal, but altogether unsuitable.
I belong to the camp in the third quoted fragment above, advocating for patience and time. Infinite patience is unwarranted, and of course every person is fully justified in giving primacy to his/her individual interests foremost. I don't think that the potential partner of a divorced man ought to play the role of therapist. But I do suggest that the OP and her potential boyfriend have large mutual intersection of individual interests. Phrased another way, the OP has no responsibility to minister to her friend. Rather, his personal individual interests, and her personal individual interests, may overlap more strongly than either party yet realizes. They can both do good by doing well.
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oh boy red flag
