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I am just curious on other people’s opinions on something. Should I start dating other men?
I’ve mentioned before that I am dating a man long distance. We’ve been friends for years, but are only now both single at the same time and I go out his way a lot because of a shared hobby we have. We’ve seemed to hit it off well… at least I thought so at first.
We’ve been “dating” each other for a couple of months (although since it’s long distance, the actual time together is only about 10 days in the past three months… basically what weekends I can hop a plane and go see him). We were seeing each other before that as well--as friends. I’d say in the past year, we’ve spent 30 days together with me staying at his house. He treats me well when I am with him and we have a great time. And while we haven’t agreed about being exclusive, we’ve had sex several times over the past few months. I love that when he thinks I am asleep (he wakes up early and it wakes me up) that he gives me a kiss on the shoulder. It's just so tender. I fall right back asleep after that.
Despite not exclusive, I also know that he’s not seeing anyone else. We have mutual friends who would tell me… he is very involved with running his shop/business and that he’s there 12-16 hours a day then he goes home and crashes. Until I came along, he had not had a date in over 8 years. So there is no other woman/women.
On my last visit, I asked him the nature of our relationship. Because I wanted to know… can I call him my boyfriend or not? Are we exclusive? He merely replied that he didn’t know yet and that I was “very special to him” and that he wanted to take things slowly. He also has reservations about long distance. So in the end, I got no answers and our dating is still open and still a secret to friends (although they aren't stupid, they know something is up. They made sly references to me all the time).
The combination of the open endedness, secrecy, and not feeling like I am a priority makes me feel like I am just not good enough for him and that's why he’s keeping his options open. I think if we were exclusive and agreed to it... or we were openly dating, I wouldn't have an issue. It's the combination. I used to feel that we had something special... but not so much anymore. I am spending a lot of time (and money traveling) as well as emotional investment on a "maybe."In the meantime, there are plenty of men right where I live. Heck, this past weekend I was asked out by a man in my neighborhood. If I started trying... I bet I could easily start dating again.
My one reservation… I don’t want to hurt my old friend; especially considering his poor history with women and love. That is, assuming he even has any kind of feelings for me at all to get hurt. But if I do start dating again and if I meet someone else who does wants to be exclusive, what I have with my old friend is over. The friendship might be over too. But I felt something more with him was worth the risk.
Any advice out there from CD land? I just want to see if there is something I might be missing and want to do whatever results in the least amount of drama or pain for him while still being fair to myself. Or are my feelings (I feel hurt right now) clouding my judgement?
2. Sounds like he is anchored to his job both physically and time-wise. Would you relocate? If that's a fat no then long-distance is what it will stay and that's never going to work.
It seems to me that you maybe built some of this up in your head to be more than what it was and are now disappointed?
Frankly, I think you should remain friends, maybe friends with benefits but you do need to keep looking for what you need. You need to be open with him about it though.
Just tell him that the distance and his other involvements and that you are on different pages.
If your friend does have feelings for you and doesn't want to be hurt, he should stay in touch with you when you're away. He's not a passive victim here, he has choices. Whether he realizes it or not, by his silence, he's choosing to send a message that he's not that into you.
On the other hand, since the two of you aren't exclusive, there's nothing wrong with dating other guys while continuing the relationship with him to see if it goes anywhere.
Well, as someone who's been in a handful of long-distance relationships, I know it's not easy.
Do the two of you have a long-term goal to be together, or is that what's in the air? You should be frank with him and tell him what you're thinking. Seems it might be smart to break things off gently because he will never pursue you or make the relationship more open if you don't draw the line somewhere.
To answer some of the questions that have come up...
I am not looking for marriage. Although I would be willing to relocate--him relocating would not work since he really is anchored there with his shop. But with even just being boyfriend and girlfriend up in the air, living together seems to be a bit of a stretch or at least something way in the future. I want to be his girlfriend for a while and go though some ups and downs before I commit to picking up my life and moving.
Right now, I am just interested in being "official" (so to speak). I want to be his girlfriend and know that we are exclusive and to be open about it. That kind of openness, while it doesn't seem like much, would let me know I am not wasting my time, life, and money on a dead end.
Breaking things off gently would be easy. I could just stop messaging and calling him (or slowly stop). But I have personal pet peeves against "the fade." I figured if it came to it, I would at least fly out there and tell him in person.
Going back to the dating. I guess I feel weird about it since I am the one who wants to be exclusive (and he doesn't). He says it's to guard his own heart, so he doesn't get hurt. I wonder if he's even considered that not being exclusive means that I might start dating other men. Maybe I should tell him before I do? Kind of "hey, we've been dating for a while, but it's not going anywhere. I still want to see you, but since we aren't exclusive I think we should explore our options and start dating others." Or does that sound too much like an ultimatum? It's not supposed to be, I just want to be honest. But to be honest, that's probably going to mean nothing changing for him date-wise and me dating other men.
EDIT: And thanks so far for the great answers so far!
This is one of the awkward convos that have to happen. You need to pin him down, so at least you can decide if you want to keep investing time and energy.
Most likely the guy is just nervous and worried about getting stomped on again, but still, it's time to use the ol' proverbial toliet or move on.......
This is one of the awkward convos that have to happen. You need to pin him down, so at least you can decide if you want to keep investing time and energy.
Most likely the guy is just nervous and worried about getting stomped on again, but still, it's time to use the ol' proverbial toliet or move on.......
LOL. I was thinking of saying exactly that to him (the use the proverbial toilet or move on...).
I figure next visit I will have this conversation with him. Maybe I will pin him down over dinner. Maybe that will put him more at ease (maybe he's afraid I will get upset at his answer. I might. But I am also very reserved. Maybe knowing we are in a public place will put him at ease).
And you put it right with being stomped on. I've seen him post relationship--it's not pretty. He isn't outwardly emotional, but still waters run deep (and I think that can be true of him). Up until the point where we started becoming more romantic, he would talk to me about his Ex fiancee--the way he talked it was like it only happened a year ago, not eight years ago. It's like he couldn't stop living the pain. And that's my concern too. *If* he has any kind of emotional connection to me, if I start dating other men, will feel betrayed and hurt.
I'm not sure of your age jillabean, but I get the feeling that you are more mature… perhaps in your 40s and not having a biological clock ticking away?
I'm in my early fifties and was sort of in your shoes last year, feeling like the man I was dating was not so into me, but I didn't have the long distance part that you do and he was never hurt by a woman. We really liked each other and I was committed to making a relationship with him a priority, but it 'seems' like he wasn't so much. It had really hurt my self esteem, I didn't feel worthy of him and I felt like it was a friends with benefits situation with him. We were exclusive, but he admittedly says that he takes things slow. He wasn't even aware of my feelings towards this matter. He says that he's dopey when it comes to matter of the heart (I guess that's why he's no longer with his ex).
I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but we've determined that we are really good for each other and we've both made some behavioural changes and adjusted our expectations with each other. So far, we are still ok.
At this stage of our lives, there really is no rush (no biological clock, although as a woman, I do have shelf life with an expiration date), as long as there is commitment and traction towards a long term loving relationship.
My last boyfriend wanted to rush into a real relationship/partnership so badly and so quickly, but he had ADD. Our relationship burned and crashed despite our best intentions. Personally, I would rather be cautious than to go through that again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you know your worth and what you can/will tolerate. You can also assess if the relationship is worth the long haul. The day to day is very important, if he's not meeting your needs, then friend-zone him and move on with your life. Life is too short to stay in something that is causing you a lot of doubt and angst.
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