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Old 02-08-2014, 05:44 PM
emh emh started this thread
 
298 posts, read 812,597 times
Reputation: 148

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Hi everyone,

I'm feeling very confused and need some input. I'm from the US but am living in Colombia and have been going out with someone for the past year. I'm 44 and she's 36. We've discussed getting married and also having a family. At the same time, we've had some ongoing issues that I felt needed resolved before we made such a commitment. Today we discussed those issues. And it didn't go very well.

Before I get into the issues, I want to say that we definitely have some things in common (for example we're both vegetarian) and we have a lot of fun together and laugh a lot.

The main issue is this: her way of communicating is very direct. She can be quite judgmental and critical. That includes being judgmental and critical of me, including for very minor things that leave me completely baffled.

Today we talked about communication and she made it very clear that she has no intention of changing anything. She really doesn't care how her words affect other people. I'm pretty much the opposite. Connection with other people is really important to me and I do what I can to communicate in a sensitive, caring way. Anyway, she made it clear that I have to either accept her as she is or we should break up.

On the one hand, I get what she's saying. Part of loving another person is accepting them as they are. On the other hand, communication is fundamental to any relationship. And I find it strange that someone wouldn't be willing to make some changes to improve the communication with their partner and to communicate with them in a positive way.

Anyway, I'm open to any thoughts and wisdom. I'm feeling a bit sad, frustrated, and confused. Thanks for listening!
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Old 02-08-2014, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,943 posts, read 53,224,798 times
Reputation: 98359
Apparently you ARE asking too much - of her.

She basically gave you an ultimatum. And you're not OK with that.

It stinks, but it sounds like you will have to break up. This habit of hers is something that will worsen over time as she gets even LESS of a filter, and it will harm your self image. She says she won't change, but this critical approach of hers will change you, ironically.

Personally, I would not want to live that way.

It's not really a communication issue. It's a personality problem. It belies a self-centeredness that won't make a good marriage.
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:01 PM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 1,021,122 times
Reputation: 981
Sometimes one persons way of communicating just doesn't click with another's. Doesn't mean you don't love her any less but it is hard for those two type of communication habits find a neutral ground. Think long and hard before you choose to settle down with her in marriage. There is something childish about her approach, how would you do against convincing a stubborn 5 year old? Are you that patient?

Quote:
Originally Posted by emh View Post
Hi everyone,

Anyway, I'm open to any thoughts and wisdom. I'm feeling a bit sad, frustrated, and confused. Thanks for listening!
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:20 PM
 
6,500 posts, read 11,067,350 times
Reputation: 11080
Well, sweetie, I like to occasionally sleep with other women. And like you, I don't care about other peoples' feelings. It's just how I am. So, if you don't accept it, we should just break up.
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:53 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,951,597 times
Reputation: 40098
Quote:
Originally Posted by emh View Post
Hi everyone,

I'm feeling very confused and need some input. I'm from the US but am living in Colombia and have been going out with someone for the past year. I'm 44 and she's 36. We've discussed getting married and also having a family. At the same time, we've had some ongoing issues that I felt needed resolved before we made such a commitment. Today we discussed those issues. And it didn't go very well.

Before I get into the issues, I want to say that we definitely have some things in common (for example we're both vegetarian) and we have a lot of fun together and laugh a lot.

The main issue is this: her way of communicating is very direct. She can be quite judgmental and critical. That includes being judgmental and critical of me, including for very minor things that leave me completely baffled.

Today we talked about communication and she made it very clear that she has no intention of changing anything. She really doesn't care how her words affect other people. I'm pretty much the opposite. Connection with other people is really important to me and I do what I can to communicate in a sensitive, caring way. Anyway, she made it clear that I have to either accept her as she is or we should break up.

On the one hand, I get what she's saying. Part of loving another person is accepting them as they are. On the other hand, communication is fundamental to any relationship. And I find it strange that someone wouldn't be willing to make some changes to improve the communication with their partner and to communicate with them in a positive way.

Anyway, I'm open to any thoughts and wisdom. I'm feeling a bit sad, frustrated, and confused. Thanks for listening!
Honestly, I don't think she's the one for you.

This isn't so much about communication as it is about someone unwilling to compromise and work together for the good of the relationship.

Look, it's not uncommon for two people to have different communication styles. But if each is not willing to respect the other's style and move more toward common ground the relationship will always be difficult.

"not caring" about how her words and actions affect others is a huge red flag. (EGO, self-centered)

If you stay with her you will end up doing all the compromising and work in the relationship, is that what you want?

Remember, "accepting others for who they are" DOES NOT mean you give them a free pass for poor behavior.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:00 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
38,814 posts, read 43,687,046 times
Reputation: 48727
I cannot imagine being partnered with someone who is constantly critical of me.
The day to day criticism will eat on you and you'll never be happy.

Quote:
That includes being judgmental and critical of me, including for very minor things that leave me completely baffled.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:00 PM
emh emh started this thread
 
298 posts, read 812,597 times
Reputation: 148
Thanks for the input everyone! A few responses:

Wmsn4Life: I hear what your saying. I definitely don't feel like she brings out the best in me. Instead, I find myself defending myself and fighting back. Which isn't the type of person I want to be.

Grumptacular: Yeah it's definitely true that we have different communication styles! I am quite patient (I've worked as a first grade teacher) but after a year of dealing with this, I'm not sure how much more I can take! I don't want to sound completely negative, she does have some wonderful qualities. Just not sure they're enough to continue in the relationship.

Steelstress: Had to read your response twice to understand it!

Open to additional feedback if anyone has it!
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:36 PM
 
12,537 posts, read 14,136,831 times
Reputation: 29013
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Honestly, I don't think she's the one for you.

This isn't so much about communication as it is about someone unwilling to compromise and work together for the good of the relationship.

Look, it's not uncommon for two people to have different communication styles. But if each is not willing to respect the other's style and move more toward common ground the relationship will always be difficult.

"not caring" about how her words and actions affect others is a huge red flag. (EGO, self-centered)

If you stay with her you will end up doing all the compromising and work in the relationship, is that what you want?

Remember, "accepting others for who they are" DOES NOT mean you give them a free pass for poor behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakin View Post
I cannot imagine being partnered with someone who is constantly critical of me.
The day to day criticism will eat on you and you'll never be happy.

Wise words here.

Trust me, the pick-pick-pick will eventually get to you, OP.

I said something similar on another thread about men, but it applies to women, too. There is no reason to tolerate that in a woman when there are so very many women out there who will love and cherish you for who you are.
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Old 02-08-2014, 10:16 PM
 
6,500 posts, read 11,067,350 times
Reputation: 11080
Quote:
Originally Posted by emh View Post
Steelstress: Had to read your response twice to understand it!
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Old 02-08-2014, 11:07 PM
 
15,015 posts, read 19,977,825 times
Reputation: 12210
At least she's being honest, she's never going to change.

I suggest you get out now, I would. Be happy you found out now. Now you just need to accept it (that she's a B...)
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