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Old 02-16-2014, 06:32 AM
 
161 posts, read 359,875 times
Reputation: 76

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Hi all, I will try and keep this short. Basically I met this guy about a month ago at an event and I'm trying to figure out if I've been put in the friend zone. He followed up with me afterwards about doing something again. We've been hanging out every week since (he initiated the first few, and I initiated the last few). The first time we hung out we went to an event, but afterwards he asked if I wanted to grab drinks. I thought he was attracted to me, and that maybe it was a date (we ended up talking for almost 4 hours). He even asked if I was in a relationship or if I was seeing anyone.

But what threw me off guard was when we met up he mentioned that he had recently gone on dates with other people. I was confused because on the one hand isn't that something you just tell to a FRIEND? But on the other, maybe he is just being super open with me about the fact he is dating around (?)

I think we have a very strong connection as two people (we could talk for hours about anything), and I thought there was some level of mutual attraction but now I am not so sure. He has told me about all his previous relationships, and how he is a little jaded that none of them panned out and not so sure if he wants another one because what if it's just a repeat of his previous ones (Background on him: He's 31, had 4-5 previous long-term relationships, all of which were 2-3 years each). The real kicker is that I saw him yesterday and he asked what I did for Valentine's Day (I didn't have any plans), and he ended up having dinner with a girl he had seen a few times, but he told me he was honestly really iffy about her... he seems like the type who is jaded about relationships, but not quite comfortable with the idea of being by himself so he's dating to fill that void. Anyway, that further confirmed my belief that he isn't really interested in me.

Has anyone had similar situations? How did it pan out? Any two cents? I think I should assume we are just friends, but honestly if he's not interested in more I think I just need to spend less time with him because I do like him. Any thoughts appreciated... and sorry for the longish post! Kudos to anyone that actually reads it all
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Old 02-16-2014, 06:42 AM
 
2,087 posts, read 2,493,969 times
Reputation: 1542
Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoor54 View Post

I think we have a very strong connection as two people (we could talk for hours about anything), and I thought there was some level of mutual attraction but now I am not so sure. He has told me about all his previous relationships, and how he is a little jaded that none of them panned out and not so sure if he wants another one because what if it's just a repeat of his previous ones (Background on him: He's 31, had 4-5 previous long-term relationships, all of which were 2-3 years each). The real kicker is that I saw him yesterday and he asked what I did for Valentine's Day (I didn't have any plans), and he ended up having dinner with a girl he had seen a few times, but he told me he was honestly really iffy about her... he seems like the type who is jaded about relationships, but not quite comfortable with the idea of being by himself so he's dating to fill that void. Anyway, that further confirmed my belief that he isn't really interested in me.

Has anyone had similar situations? How did it pan out? Any two cents? I think I should assume we are just friends, but honestly if he's not interested in more I think I just need to spend less time with him because I do like him. Any thoughts appreciated... and sorry for the longish post! Kudos to anyone that actually reads it all
Bolded. Means nothing without physical attraction as has been pointed out many, many times.

Are you his physical type? Do you fall into the wheelhouse of the women he would typically date?

If yes, then I'd say your chances are pretty good.

Either way, these types of threads are started all the time (typically by men). And it's pretty well known that signals mean jack rabbit cr@p. If you are not going to approach him, then give up now. If you are on the fence, flip a coin, and do whatever side lands up.

Source: Been there dozens of times.
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Old 02-16-2014, 06:52 AM
 
Location: Norfolk, VA
6,503 posts, read 6,707,681 times
Reputation: 3723
Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoor54 View Post
Hi all, I will try and keep this short. Basically I met this guy about a month ago at an event and I'm trying to figure out if I've been put in the friend zone. He followed up with me afterwards about doing something again. We've been hanging out every week since (he initiated the first few, and I initiated the last few). The first time we hung out we went to an event, but afterwards he asked if I wanted to grab drinks. I thought he was attracted to me, and that maybe it was a date (we ended up talking for almost 4 hours). He even asked if I was in a relationship or if I was seeing anyone.

But what threw me off guard was when we met up he mentioned that he had recently gone on dates with other people. I was confused because on the one hand isn't that something you just tell to a FRIEND? But on the other, maybe he is just being super open with me about the fact he is dating around (?)

I think we have a very strong connection as two people (we could talk for hours about anything), and I thought there was some level of mutual attraction but now I am not so sure. He has told me about all his previous relationships, and how he is a little jaded that none of them panned out and not so sure if he wants another one because what if it's just a repeat of his previous ones (Background on him: He's 31, had 4-5 previous long-term relationships, all of which were 2-3 years each). The real kicker is that I saw him yesterday and he asked what I did for Valentine's Day (I didn't have any plans), and he ended up having dinner with a girl he had seen a few times, but he told me he was honestly really iffy about her... he seems like the type who is jaded about relationships, but not quite comfortable with the idea of being by himself so he's dating to fill that void. Anyway, that further confirmed my belief that he isn't really interested in me.

Has anyone had similar situations? How did it pan out? Any two cents? I think I should assume we are just friends, but honestly if he's not interested in more I think I just need to spend less time with him because I do like him. Any thoughts appreciated... and sorry for the longish post! Kudos to anyone that actually reads it all
Not everyone plays games. He could be telling you this because he is interested, and wants to see how well you'll respond. I've had women be completely upfront about what they've done, who, what, where, how many, etc. Put it all out there and you feel as though you have a more intimate connection with that other person (though the feeling is not always mutual, or reciprocated).

If it is too much information then just move on and leave him alone. This is the thing about the friend zone; you are only friends if the arrangement is mutual and you really want to connect with them on that level. If it is not, then you are just someone for them to talk to (not a friend). I don't believe in the friend zone, because, in hindsight, no woman could put me somewhere with her emotionally I did not want to be. I wanted to be her friend, I just did not know how to take things to that next level, but that was my issue, not hers. It was a game to see what I would do to get out of the box, Houdini, but she didn't really care if I ever did get out and preferred that I stayed in that state. So, I am her friend and she is not my friend at all.

Once I stopped listening, moved on and lived my own life, etc. The zone disappears because I am no longer talking to you. You can be married for 20 years, and meet someone else and think you have a romantic attraction to them, and find yourself in a friend zone. It is utterly ridiculous. So it is not a matter of whether or not they want to be friends. He probably is attracted, but it is not the type of relationship you need because he has baggage and cannot take you anywhere emotionally. Do you still want to be with him? And if you do, are you interested because he appears to be emotionally unavailable?
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Old 02-16-2014, 06:57 AM
 
12,582 posts, read 14,554,822 times
Reputation: 15097
Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoor54 View Post
Hi all, I will try and keep this short. Basically I met this guy about a month ago at an event and I'm trying to figure out if I've been put in the friend zone. He followed up with me afterwards about doing something again. We've been hanging out every week since (he initiated the first few, and I initiated the last few). The first time we hung out we went to an event, but afterwards he asked if I wanted to grab drinks. I thought he was attracted to me, and that maybe it was a date (we ended up talking for almost 4 hours). He even asked if I was in a relationship or if I was seeing anyone.

But what threw me off guard was when we met up he mentioned that he had recently gone on dates with other people. I was confused because on the one hand isn't that something you just tell to a FRIEND? But on the other, maybe he is just being super open with me about the fact he is dating around (?)

I think we have a very strong connection as two people (we could talk for hours about anything), and I thought there was some level of mutual attraction but now I am not so sure. He has told me about all his previous relationships, and how he is a little jaded that none of them panned out and not so sure if he wants another one because what if it's just a repeat of his previous ones (Background on him: He's 31, had 4-5 previous long-term relationships, all of which were 2-3 years each). The real kicker is that I saw him yesterday and he asked what I did for Valentine's Day (I didn't have any plans), and he ended up having dinner with a girl he had seen a few times, but he told me he was honestly really iffy about her... he seems like the type who is jaded about relationships, but not quite comfortable with the idea of being by himself so he's dating to fill that void. Anyway, that further confirmed my belief that he isn't really interested in me.

Has anyone had similar situations? How did it pan out? Any two cents? I think I should assume we are just friends, but honestly if he's not interested in more I think I just need to spend less time with him because I do like him. Any thoughts appreciated... and sorry for the longish post! Kudos to anyone that actually reads it all
He's on a date with a girl on Valentines Day
Mouthing off about that girl that effed his day.

Why'd you go out with a girl like that?

Da da da da
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:10 AM
 
161 posts, read 359,875 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by JJS99 View Post
Bolded. Means nothing without physical attraction as has been pointed out many, many times.

Are you his physical type? Do you fall into the wheelhouse of the women he would typically date?

If yes, then I'd say your chances are pretty good.

Either way, these types of threads are started all the time (typically by men). And it's pretty well known that signals mean jack rabbit cr@p. If you are not going to approach him, then give up now. If you are on the fence, flip a coin, and do whatever side lands up.

Source: Been there dozens of times.
I do find him physically attractive, and I thought there must be some physical attraction on his end since he is the one that approached me initially....but I could be wrong.

As for his type, I personally think we would look really good together hahaha. But he mentioned that he has dated a variety of people in terms of looks, background and ethnicity, and that he doesn't necessarily have "one type" (I kind of thought the latter might be a red flag - like an indicator he doesn't know what he's looking for?... but trying not to judge).

Thanks for the input.
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:17 AM
 
1,638 posts, read 2,764,389 times
Reputation: 2724
Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoor54 View Post
I do find him physically attractive, and I thought there must be some physical attraction on his end since he is the one that approached me initially....but I could be wrong.

As for his type, I personally think we would look really good together hahaha. But he mentioned that he has dated a variety of people in terms of looks, background and ethnicity, and that he doesn't necessarily have "one type" (I kind of thought the latter might be a red flag - like an indicator he doesn't know what he's looking for?... but trying not to judge).

Thanks for the input.
Not true at all. I'm a white female and I've dated men of MANY ethnicities (the gifts of going to one of the largest public schools in the country!). I know what I wanted, I just wanted to find a good boyfriend. I wasn't more/less attracted to someone because of what country they came from. A few men were almost impossible to date due to the culture their family was still imposing on their american dating life, but other than that, I'm a bit color blind. Always have been.
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:35 AM
 
161 posts, read 359,875 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by goofy328 View Post
Not everyone plays games. He could be telling you this because he is interested, and wants to see how well you'll respond. I've had women be completely upfront about what they've done, who, what, where, how many, etc. Put it all out there and you feel as though you have a more intimate connection with that other person (though the feeling is not always mutual, or reciprocated).

If it is too much information then just move on and leave him alone. This is the thing about the friend zone; you are only friends if the arrangement is mutual and you really want to connect with them on that level. If it is not, then you are just someone for them to talk to (not a friend). I don't believe in the friend zone, because, in hindsight, no woman could put me somewhere with her emotionally I did not want to be. I wanted to be her friend, I just did not know how to take things to that next level, but that was my issue, not hers. It was a game to see what I would do to get out of the box, Houdini, but she didn't really care if I ever did get out and preferred that I stayed in that state. So, I am her friend and she is not my friend at all.

Once I stopped listening, moved on and lived my own life, etc. The zone disappears because I am no longer talking to you. You can be married for 20 years, and meet someone else and think you have a romantic attraction to them, and find yourself in a friend zone. It is utterly ridiculous. So it is not a matter of whether or not they want to be friends. He probably is attracted, but it is not the type of relationship you need because he has baggage and cannot take you anywhere emotionally. Do you still want to be with him? And if you do, are you interested because he appears to be emotionally unavailable?
I genuinely enjoy his company and our conversations. I like that he confides in me. I don't think it's a one-sided by any means. We have a lot of common interests and career aspirations and he's been very supportive about that kind of thing for me also. So it's not like he just tells me about his problems and I listen. He also seems happy to help me with a lot of things I am passionate about.

I think he and I could have a very meaningful friendship at a minimum but right now if I continue spending more time with him I think I will like him too much. I just can't handle the lack of clarity.

I do realize he has baggage. At the same time, people have told me they liked me but had reservations about dating me simply because I have never been in a serious relationship before, which I think is a pretty lame excuse considering I'm still in my 20's. So I certainly keep the baggage thing in mind, but I wouldn't want people to write me off for the same reasons.
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:46 AM
 
161 posts, read 359,875 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by lmw36 View Post
Not true at all. I'm a white female and I've dated men of MANY ethnicities (the gifts of going to one of the largest public schools in the country!). I know what I wanted, I just wanted to find a good boyfriend. I wasn't more/less attracted to someone because of what country they came from. A few men were almost impossible to date due to the culture their family was still imposing on their american dating life, but other than that, I'm a bit color blind. Always have been.
I agree with you in that respect, I just meant that that people generally have an idea of the type of person they go for - for instance, slightly nerdy, or like slightly more outgoing, or if they prefer someone with a similar cultural upbringing, etc. I feel that him saying he's an open book (not just looks wise, but also in terms of personality and other qualities) and will try anyone is an indicator that he hasn't totally figured out what kind of person he is looking for yet - that's all I meant.
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:59 AM
 
Location: My House
34,792 posts, read 31,170,087 times
Reputation: 25940
What baggage?
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Norfolk, VA
6,503 posts, read 6,707,681 times
Reputation: 3723
Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoor54 View Post
I genuinely enjoy his company and our conversations. I like that he confides in me. I don't think it's a one-sided by any means. We have a lot of common interests and career aspirations and he's been very supportive about that kind of thing for me also. So it's not like he just tells me about his problems and I listen. He also seems happy to help me with a lot of things I am passionate about.

I think he and I could have a very meaningful friendship at a minimum but right now if I continue spending more time with him I think I will like him too much. I just can't handle the lack of clarity.

I do realize he has baggage. At the same time, people have told me they liked me but had reservations about dating me simply because I have never been in a serious relationship before, which I think is a pretty lame excuse considering I'm still in my 20's. So I certainly keep the baggage thing in mind, but I wouldn't want people to write me off for the same reasons.
Well then that is the key. Because if you feel that, as good as the friendship is, spending TOO much time with him puts you in a dilemma you already have your answer.

It is not about writing people off because of the baggage. It is more; I can be there for you as a friend on those issues, but you cannot exorcise those demons through a romantic relationship with me (even though you tried to with other people). Because there is a thin line between both worlds. So while he is a great friend, proceed with caution on the rest.

As far as you still being in your twenties I had my first serious relationship in my early twenties. Now if you were in your thirties, still having no serious relationships, that would be cause for concern.
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