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The only thing that will show his true intent is time.
I learned this at age 14. Someone asked me out, and I turned him down. Turns out he had a ton of experience (already), but he genuinely liked me. I eventually went out with him six months later (the following school year), and we dated for about six months (eternity in high school). We stayed friends for years afterward. His words: "It wasn't that you were the first and only girl who had turned me down, even though that added to it. I really liked you."
Now this may sound sexist, but 33 years later, I don't see where much has changed about the male psyche when it comes to that, because I've seen it play out many times over the years. Not that I'm a player slayer or anything like that, but if I need time to make a determination about a guy, if he's really interested, he'll make the effort. If he's just after sex, he'll find it somewhere else and disappear soon enough.
On this note you are 100% correct!
I know for the one girl I actually legitimately loved I waited 3 months for things to move forward because she was also nervous about me. And I honestly didn't even serial date in that period I put those on hold for the time being. She was an exceptional woman and my longest relationship by far that was only ended because of circumstances out of our control.
This is what I think other people in this thread are being a little short sighted about the fact that intent/actions and how being genuine should count for something. While I dropped the ball here personally I posed the question in a general sense.
I recently gained a deeper understanding that I eventually would like to settle down. So for me this casual dating things is not something sustainable for me eventually. And to be honest if at any point I had stumbled onto a good girl for me I would have dated her seriously.
It's not that I am looking actively looking to serial date it's just something that tends to happen. I am fine with having relationships like I mentioned earlier I have had them in the past and they have been good for me. Whenever I have dated a good girl for me they seem to improve me and file down my rough edges a bit.
You also have to keep in mind I am still fairly young single guy. I really don't feel like I am doing anything that is out of the ordinary for a single guy living near a giant metro.
Serial/casual daters are the norm in large/metro cities, especially the mid-20's to early 30's crowd, which is generally the crowd I have tried to avoid.
This is what I think other people in this thread are being a little short sighted about the fact that intent/actions and how being genuine should count for something. While I dropped the ball here personally I posed the question in a general sense.
That's the point, though. Actions count for a lot. Your actions completely went against anything you were trying to build.
Let's say you have an opinion that the guy is a player or he sleeps around a bit. BUT he is willing to actually take you out on a real date something cool and different that obviously took some thought. He is not treating you just like another piece of ass but he obviously likes you legitimately.
Would you totally evade the situation? What could make you feel more comfortable about it? What can the guy do in this case?
No, I wouldn't date a total contrast to me. I've never slept around and never will do. I expect a like-minded man in that aspect. Too much sexual past is a deal-breaker to me.
I'm the type who doesn't operate by ''the past is the past'' mantra. To me, that's just as important as the present. It is a big deal.
It appears that the issue is less that you're being judged by some "player persona" in your past, more that you're being judged by your current actions. Be honest.
If you want to signal interest in someone, groping somebody else in front of them isn't the most effective way to get that point across. Who would blame someone for losing interest within that context?
So if things don't work out for you with this woman, do you intend to go back to the kinda man you were before you began getting interested in her or continue on with this change you claim you want to make?
If you want to signal interest in someone, groping somebody else in front of them isn't the most effective way to get that point across. Who would blame someone for losing interest within that context?
That's why I've never understood why some guys insist that letting a woman know he has options and plenty of alternates on deck is a sure way to get her interested. It might work for the kind of women who get in actual catfights, but for the rest of us, nah.
Yeah, I never have, don't now, nor will I ever, line up and wait my turn for somebody's attention. Degrading.
Interested in me? Cool. Interested in me AND 15 other people and counting? Mmmhmm, 'bye, now. Like me or don't, but I don't compete for attention. If it becomes a competition, you weren't interested enough, which makes me uninterested in you.
Also, I have yet to meet a guy worth getting into a catfight over. A guy whose behavior is the sort to spur a catfight is a guy not worth my time or attention. Again, degrading. There may be women who are of the finger wagging, "Oh NO she di-in't!" Ilk. I am not, however, among them.
The thing is, if you really like this other girl, wanted to ask her out, then kissing another girl in front of her is 100% the wrong thing to have done. It doesn't matter that you weren't dating, hadn't invested anything in her, weren't exclusive.
You were going with what felt good - impulsive. You didn't put any thought into how your actions would be perceived - impulsive.
If you want to be the kind of guy worth a relationship with a good woman, you're going to need to radically change your behaviour. You're not a teenager anymore, time to be a grown-up and accept that your actions have consequences, and if you don't like the consequences, then think about your actions before you take them, not after.
IMO, there's not much worse than someone who stumbles through life impulsively, without an ounce of self-awareness or regard for anyone other than themselves. Is that the kind of person you want to be?
I guess this is something I have to work on but as a general theme in my posts when pertaining to the future. You might see there's a trend in there where I don't feel comfortable with the fact I am getting older and I am changing without even realizing it. I guess I want to stay young forever and I haven't exactly accepted the eventuality a 100%.
Don't get me wrong I am a responsible person and for my age pretty damned mature. Not on the weekends though when I am trying to unwind. Truth is I got launched into this career of mine right out of high school and rose up the ladder quickly. Now I am in a good place but I feel like working the 9 to 5 since 18 has made me so serious during the weekdays. And I did that all while paying my way through school and going full time to school. AND balancing my social life! Now every birthday I get the worst birthday blues as I am leaving the younger phase of my life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93
That's the point, though. Actions count for a lot. Your actions completely went against anything you were trying to build.
This is something I realize but I would still like to try to salvage it. She seems like a good girl and I would like to get to know her more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
It appears that the issue is less that you're being judged by some "player persona" in your past, more that you're being judged by your current actions. Be honest.
If you want to signal interest in someone, groping somebody else in front of them isn't the most effective way to get that point across. Who would blame someone for losing interest within that context?
You are right I wouldn't blame her for no longer being interested in me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli
So if things don't work out for you with this woman, do you intend to go back to the kinda man you were before you began getting interested in her or continue on with this change you claim you want to make?
Well to be honest since the start of this year I have been changing on my own. I would say I am already in the process of changing considering I wouldn't have cared about a situation like this in the past. And I did take responsibility in this thread instead of blaming it on the alcohol.
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