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Uhhh, first, anyone who states that you are a dream woman to him should probably be given a little time to show what they mean...sometimes the very men who make statements like that are the first to knock you off your pedestal they put you on - as soon as they see that you AREN'T the dream woman they thought you were.
Its easy to SAY whatever with the "best intentions", but only time and challenges will show what someone is REALLY made of, and whether they have the veracity to back up their grandiose claims.
REALITY, however boring it can be, is whats needed now...not the sweet words of potential lovers, who, as you know often say anything to get in your pants.
But the second thing there, taking any fool who will have you, don't you think that comment deserves a moment of introspection. Although you are saying it tongue in cheek, you are also denoting the kind of relationship you are willing to have.
Reality is you, yourself, not the guys who are interested in you, what are YOUR needs ? To feel loved, be loved, give love, to feel safe, to feel that you can trust the person you love? If you don't feel you can trust who you love, then can you love them? Or will you be watching them like a hawk-just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I will not take any fool that will have me, otherwise I wouldn't have been alone nearly 2 years.
Honestly my style is to watch like a hawk and wait for the other shoe to drop. That is my style, not necessarily a reflection of the man I'm with. There is something in me that gets triggered when I have sex with a man AND fall in love with him. (which I usually do if I have sex and that is why I don't have casual sex, plus I do judge women who do to be whor*s , but that is another issue completely. I'm probably just jealous they control their emotions better. No one wants to get hurt.) I don't see clear anymore and think that every woman wants him. And when women do flirt it brings up my insecurities. I know I'm "better than them" either because I work hard, am pretty and in shape, am a woman who does work on myself, am loving and loyal and am very intelligent. Just can't seem to get relationships right and come off quite the opposite in the forum because of it. I must focus on he knows I'm the best too. It's not romantic, it's a checklist but I suppose some men are that way- unless they are madly in love and this is not a type who will go there easily. He has control of his emotions.
If an ex is an ex because there were trust issues which he contributed to by flirting, shouldn't I let him prove himself before I agree to a reconciliation? Isn't that the better way to go about it?
You owe it to your mental health to be alone. I don't agree with "life is too short to be alone". I agree with "Life is too short to be with the wrong person." If you spend another couple of years with this guy who has already proven to be incompatible with you where neither of you have changed or grown, then you are spending that many more years not meeting someone who actually IS worthwhile.
While you're single, develop your own life, your own activities, make your own plans. Work on yourself, work on you goals. Join clubs, volunteer, travel! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want!
If an ex is an ex because there were trust issues which he contributed to by flirting, shouldn't I let him prove himself before I agree to a reconciliation? Isn't that the better way to go about it?
Yes, there is a better way to go about it.
"Watching like a hawk, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and waiting for him to prove himself..." are all different ways of describing the same, unhealthy huge reason for not being with ANYONE now: LACK OF TRUST.
You need more therapy to resolve your trust problem much more than you need a man.
You owe it to your mental health to be alone. I don't agree with "life is too short to be alone". I agree with "Life is too short to be with the wrong person." If you spend another couple of years with this guy who has already proven to be incompatible with you where neither of you have changed or grown, then you are spending that many more years not meeting someone who actually IS worthwhile.
While you're single, develop your own life, your own activities, make your own plans. Work on yourself, work on you goals. Join clubs, volunteer, travel! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want!
I will not take any fool that will have me, otherwise I wouldn't have been alone nearly 2 years.
Honestly my style is to watch like a hawk and wait for the other shoe to drop. That is my style, not necessarily a reflection of the man I'm with. There is something in me that gets triggered when I have sex with a man AND fall in love with him. (which I usually do if I have sex and that is why I don't have casual sex, plus I do judge women who do to be whor*s , but that is another issue completely. I'm probably just jealous they control their emotions better. No one wants to get hurt.) I don't see clear anymore and think that every woman wants him. And when women do flirt it brings up my insecurities. I know I'm "better than them" either because I work hard, am pretty and in shape, am a woman who does work on myself, am loving and loyal and am very intelligent. Just can't seem to get relationships right and come off quite the opposite in the forum because of it. I must focus on he knows I'm the best too. It's not romantic, it's a checklist but I suppose some men are that way- unless they are madly in love and this is not a type who will go there easily. He has control of his emotions.
Thanks for reading this and replying, if I were your friend and sitting across from you at the coffee shop, I would be listening to you talk for a while, and then I would tell you what I just told you.
As a friend, I wouldn't want to see you be hurt either...as I friend I would already know all of your beauty and value, and how strong of a person you really are, I would encourage you to continue t o be that beautiful and charismatic person who makes good choices...I would ask you to consider where you have just been...I would assert that the feelings you are diving into, with romance and love are kind of a reaction to being hurt by this guy who was cheating on you with a married woman.
I would remind you that even though this guy seemed okay, he really didn't have a good character after all, and it takes time before you know that.
If I were sitting with you now, I am sure you would eventually draw the conversation away from your romance and into some real life things we all have to deal with on a day to day. Because this romance is a diversion, an escape. If you can accept that reality, and not let it divert you from what and who you are, and who you know you are, then you will most likely make good choices about it...if you beleive the fantasy version,then you might be pulled back into something self destructive.
I would rather imagine, myself, that you were able to stay on top of your feelings, and make some good choices.
I am in a happy, health relationship with a man that I am so in love with and now I see all of those single years differently! They helped me to develop to be the person that my partner could love: someone fiercely independent and someone who knows who she is and is confident in that. It wasn't being alone it was trying to develop the very best possible version of myself! I was also never alone! I worked, I volunteered at the library and Ronald McDonald House, I played on my company softball team, I took a painting class, I adopted a pet, I made new friends, I went on random road trips whenever I wanted, I took up canoeing. If I felt lonely or bored, I went to a free art museum in my city to walk around.
Being single isn't being at home pouting about not having anybody. I only dated someone if I could see them positively contributing to the life I wanted.
Also, I would tone down on the "I'm better than them" attitude and also from what I read, you sound needy for validation from men because you're not validating your own worth.
Thanks for reading this and replying, if I were your friend and sitting across from you at the coffee shop, I would be listening to you talk for a while, and then I would tell you what I just told you.
As a friend, I wouldn't want to see you be hurt either...as I friend I would already know all of your beauty and value, and how strong of a person you really are, I would encourage you to continue t o be that beautiful and charismatic person who makes good choices...I would ask you to consider where you have just been...I would assert that the feelings you are diving into, with romance and love are kind of a reaction to being hurt by this guy who was cheating on you with a married woman.
I would remind you that even though this guy seemed okay, he really didn't have a good character after all, and it takes time before you know that.
If I were sitting with you now, I am sure you would eventually draw the conversation away from your romance and into some real life things we all have to deal with on a day to day. Because this romance is a diversion, an escape. If you can accept that reality, and not let it divert you from what and who you are, and who you know you are, then you will most likely make good choices about it...if you beleive the fantasy version,then you might be pulled back into something self destructive.
I would rather imagine, myself, that you were able to stay on top of your feelings, and make some good choices.
Thank you. I am leaning towards SLOWLY giving the 3 of the interested men a chance and seeing what develops, choosing one of them only if they inspire trust in me through consistently treating me well. I was alone nearly 2 years , I did all the things the poster below you suggested, painting, pet adoption etc.- some different things than she suggested but things of my own none the less. That is NOT the life for me. I'm not wasting time committing to or having sex with (because in my heart that will tie me to a person most likely) a person until they prove themself, but I'm just not going to be alone. Different things work for different people. I appreciate your post the most foclampt and all the posts. (though not able to rep you again thank you thank you thank you) Thank you everyone.
Because I couldn't handle his flirting with other women. I had a hard time trusting him. I have a hard time trusting in general, so we fought too much. I know he hasn't changed, I'm being realistic. No one is perfect.
"No one is perfect" sounds like an excuse for sweeping aside your serious misgivings about being with a man you can't trust. It sounds like you're desperate to be with a guy, so you're looking for reasons to ignore red flags.
Life's too short to be in a relationship that you'd be unhappy in. Develop some independence, so you can be content enough alone until you find a good match.
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I was also never alone! I worked, I volunteered at the library and Ronald McDonald House, I played on my company softball team, I took a painting class, I adopted a pet, I made new friends, I went on random road trips whenever I wanted, I took up canoeing. If I felt lonely or bored, I went to a free art museum in my city to walk around.
