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In order to date you, it would sound like I would have to fill out a "rental application" so you can run my credit check to assess my debts and baggage.
The thing about these lists.... you could meet a woman with every single thing on the list and not ever fall in love with her. It doesn't take into account that human beings are emotional creatures.
It's funny. I never had a list. But I had a preference for guys over six feet tall. My fiance is 5'7" and had I had a checklist I never even would have considered this wonderful person and built a life with them. What truly matters is what a person is like (is there personality combatible with mine? do they support my goals? do they positively contribute to my life? can i support their goals? can i positively contribute to their life? are they compassionate? are they loving? do we both have similar overall life goals (kids, etc)?).
I don't think what you want in a woman is unreasonable, but you must be careful that you don't become so rigid with your desires that they become a "must have list" or mental checklist that excludes all who don't measure up perfectly. Perhaps you should decide what things on your list are must haves and which ones are it would be nice to have, but not imperative. There are lots of wonderful women who would meet most of your list, could make you very happy, and would be wonderful wife material if given a chance, but you must have some flexibility.
You do understand that when you truly fall in love with someone your list will be meaningless. True love has a way of making such things irrelevant because you just love the person for who they are, accept them as is, appreciate them, and are thankful to have them in your life. Until you find someone you feel this way about you should not even consider a long term relationship or marriage. I wish you well.
I am a 40 year old man. Traits that's describe me would be:
- decent looking and in-shape albeit a bit on the shorter side (5'7 145lbs)
- financially stable (no debt, great career, well educated, good income, substantial savings)
- many diverse hobbies, i'm definitely more on the adventurous side
- well read, well traveled and can carry a conversation on many topics
My ideal woman would be someone who has similar traits including the following:
- someone I find at least moderately attractive, is in shape, wears heels regularly (I have a thing for them even though I am short!!
- someone who is financially stable and responsible (extremely important as I am quite anal about my finances and my financial goals - meaning good credit score (mine is 830!!!), ample savings, I don't so much care about absolute income as I care about living within one's means and expectations should match income
- pretty simple and down to earth and not into materialism, spends their money more on substance and things of meaning to them than to show off
- Easy to get along with and no emotional baggage (no jealously issues, no clingyness etc.)
- Shares my love for the outdoors - hiking, water sports, travel etc.
- Has no issues showing and receiving lots of affection (holding hands, hugging etc.) because I like that a lot
- Open to having kids
I am finding it exceptionally difficult to find any woman who matches all of my criteria. Am I expecting too much or is there something wrong with what I am doing? I do find women matching some of the criteria but not all. If they are adventurous then they have some serious financial issues, if they are financially great then they have serious emotional baggage, this is just so frustrating.
I am currently in a relationship with a girl who is great but she is emotionally troubled and has family drama, has debts, is quite a bit overweight, does not wear heels LOL although she would be pretty attractive if she lost weight, is a bit insecure and clingy at times. Pros are she is incredibly affectionate, shares the love for the outdoors with me and is very adventurous, extremely good with kids, good cook.
What do I do? Should I move on and keep looking for the perfect one or is compromise the only option?
You should immediately break up with the girl you are having the relationship with so she can find someone who appreciates her just as she is.
Definitely not, however I am just trying to understand my own expectations and if those expectations are realistic. If my requirements are so high that I am trying to chase 5% of the available women in the population then the chances would be incredibly slim that I would ever find my perfect match.
Personally I think my expectations are very normal as they match what I have to offer myself, however I may have a biased view on things and feedback from others is always helpful!
You say she is emotional, clingy and needy. There is drama in her family. She has debt.
Well, the OP does say "ideal woman" not "requirements to date me." And clearly he dates outside these preferences.
I don't think the things you are looking for are all that onerous. They are pretty general traits. The only thing I found to be a bit conflicting was wanting a woman who wears heels and is also into outdoorsy sports. Heels kind of change the shape of your foot and calf if worn a lot... women who wear heels a lot have problems wearing flats (and things like hiking boots) because their calf muscles shorten over time. And women who wear hiking boots and are more outdoorsie and wear that kind of footware tend to have problems with heels (your toes, which are used to being spread out in a boot, have to cram into a heel and you get foot cramps).
My long winded point is you might have to figure out which of those two is more important to you. A woman who does both exists, I am sure; but you are more likely to widen your pool if you are willing to accept it as an "either/or" instead of a both.
EDIT: BTW, if you aren't happy in your relationship and you are going to end it, end it sooner rather than later. No need to drag things out. It's not good for you or for the woman you are seeing. It allows her to go find someone who is into her... and it frees you up to search for someone as well.
Last edited by jillabean; 02-27-2014 at 08:02 AM..
Any time someone starts a thread about their SO and wants to know if they should stay with them or break up with them - and then lists all their pros and cons like they are some sort of checklist as opposed to a person - I think they should show the thread to their SO and let the chips fall where they may.
Definitely not, however I am just trying to understand my own expectations and if those expectations are realistic. If my requirements are so high that I am trying to chase 5% of the available women in the population then the chances would be incredibly slim that I would ever find my perfect match.
Personally I think my expectations are very normal as they match what I have to offer myself, however I may have a biased view on things and feedback from others is always helpful!
You are the only one who can understand those expectations and no one here can help you understand something you can't seem to understand yourself.
Who you are looking for is the "perfect woman" and who you should be looking for is the "perfect woman for you".
There is a big diffeence between the two.
The things you wrote about this woman are not flattering at all and make it obvious to everyone (but you) that you really don't want to be with her.
Instead of making her believe you really do like/love/care for her or whatever it is you are calling it, break up with her and let her find someone else who does love, appreciate and accept her as she is without the
"but, she would be attractive if she loses weight and...." statement.
- someone I find at least moderately attractive, is in shape, wears heels regularly (I have a thing for them even though I am short!!
- pretty simple and down to earth and not into materialism, spends their money more on substance and things of meaning to them than to show off
What do I do? Should I move on and keep looking for the perfect one or is compromise the only option?
So you want her to have a closet full of heels FOR YOU but to not spend her money on material things. Is she allowed to have the clothing she needs to go with the heels? Do you have any idea what a woman's wardrobe costs?
And by the way, yes you are short. And most women are not comfortable wearing heels if they are then towering over their man.
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