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Good points, I will be thinking of answers particularly to the bolded question.
Meanwhile my point is I don't believe it to be wise to wait forever, or wait until I'm healthy. I can grow and date at the same time. Experience is a good teacher, better than isolating , getting therapy and thinking about life. I want to live it now. Not living it is as though I believe my not worthy fear. "Oh I'm not worthy so I'd better wait until I am." To me that is putting my life on hold and I feel it was a mistake in the past. (nearly 2 years of nothing.)
As long as you realize that continuing to make destructive and unhealthy decisions regarding who you get involved with is going to slow and/or derail any mental health progress you might make. Maybe shift your thinking from "I'm not worthy, so I'd better wait until I am," to "I need to refrain from jumping into potentially bad dating situations until I get a better handle on my emotional health."
Another problem is that you seem to think that not being with a man equals "putting your life on hold." It hasn't occurred to you that you can, in fact, live life whether you are in a relationship or not. It's problematic that you feel that the only way one can "live life" is to either be in or be in constant pursuit of being in a relationship, even if that relationship is unhealthy or unpleasant or with a poor choice of a partner. You also seem to feel that not dating anybody = being isolated. You don't have to isolate yourself, whether or not you are pursuing a relationship. Your life can and should be as full of people and activities and experiences as you want it to be, whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. If life gets put "on hold" because you are not seeing anybody, well, that's of your own doing.
As I stated in the other thread I was alone for nearly 2 years. I don't think that is the solution. In fact, it was isolating, I need to go in the other direction. Doesn't mean I need to jump into commitment, but I do need to date and stay open minded.
What's so bad about being alone? I think you need some more of that so you can work on you. Doesn't mean you can't date here and there, but I don't think you should be even considering relationships.
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What is so awful about being alone? I mean seriously. Yeah, going without sex kind of sucks, but vibrators can provide orgasms and friends can provide companionship.
You're acting desperate, and that's probably scaring men off left and right. Be happy with yourself alone. And then seek a partner. If you don't like the person inside your own skull, why should anyone else?
Not really acting desperate. Could have a general desperate vibe I'm unaware of and I do act desperate when I fall hard for someone so I have to watch that too.
Not really acting desperate. Could have a general desperate vibe I'm unaware of and I do act desperate when I fall hard for someone so I have to watch that too.
If I recall correctly, there was a certain desperation when you stayed in your last relationship way longer than you should have. You bounced back almost immediately with another romantic prospect, also if I'm remembering right.
And yes, there is desperation in that you are obviously bothered by the idea that no one would want you. That you're even thinking along those lines indicates desperation.
Take some time to yourself. Once you make peace with yourself, **** tends to get pretty awesome.
It's wholly possible that you don't have a very clear or unbiased view of how others perceive you as acting. Observing how men and others react to you and how they treat you will tell you quite a bit about whether or not you actually do as good a job of concealing desperation as you may think you do. It can be very telling.
If I recall correctly, there was a certain desperation when you stayed in your last relationship way longer than you should have. You bounced back almost immediately with another romantic prospect, also if I'm remembering right.
And yes, there is desperation in that you are obviously bothered by the idea that no one would want you. That you're even thinking along those lines indicates desperation.
Take some time to yourself. Once you make peace with yourself, **** tends to get pretty awesome.
Yes...didn't you go from being with a boyfriend, being sure he was cheating, knowing he was cheating, contemplating blowing the whistle on his cheating (all the while not breaking things off with him), to contacting a former lover and contemplating involvement with him, all in a matter of days?
This, along with your own admission that you can't fathom how anybody, decent or otherwise, could want you, does tell a certain story, and unfortunately, it's not one of contentedness, confidence, and emotional stability.
I have been to therapy. I guess it didn't work. I just can't believe a good man would want me. I know I'm a good woman in many ways but I realize I have an underlying belief that a man would not choose me when he has so many options. Society puts in to your head an attractive, even a marginally attractive man who holds a stable job is hard to get and there will be a lot of competition. A woman who has those same attributes and other virtues such as being a loyal, intelligent and kind person, will still have a hard time dating and inspiring a man to commit to her- real commitment as in marriage. Is it really this hard for women or is this all in my head? I have concluded part of the problem is my choice of men so I will be slowing down the process of choosing who I become seriously involved with next. I know for certain men, the ones that do not feel confident and cannot fake it, dating must be hard too. What is your view of the dating world?
What "society" is this? I've never heard of this. Where did you get this idea? Identify and challenge your own erroneous beliefs.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-28-2014 at 01:18 PM..
Not really acting desperate. Could have a general desperate vibe I'm unaware of and I do act desperate when I fall hard for someone so I have to watch that too.
Every time someone says something, you say "no I'm not"
Someone mentioned you're codependent and you were quick to say "I take that with a grain of salt because everyone is codependent!"
Someone mentioned you should do something and it turns into, "I already have!"
Or it turns into, "It doesn't work for me!"
Or any excuse under the sun to justify why you should continue jumping from relationship to relationship.
People are giving you good advice, all from well-meaning and caring places. When it all comes down to it, we can't make you listen to us and change your perspective on yourself. We can only open your mind to that change. When you have a codependent need to be in a relationship or pursue romantic relationships because that is the core fiber of your being, you come across as needy, clingy, and desperate. None of which are attractive in a partner.
My theory is that you don't want to change. You want things to remain the same. That's probably why therapy failed for you. It doesn't work unless you're truly ready to work on yourself and make the changes.
"you can't fill yourself with love, through another person..."
Or something like that.
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