Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:34 AM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,038,038 times
Reputation: 958

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmic_girl View Post
This is the reason why I am continuing my friendship with him because he never hit on me so I feel safe that it's platonic. He says we are not doing anything wrong since we are not flirting or intimate.

So does this mean I am being used for an ego boost???
I say support this guy and urge him to leave his relationship. Let him know he has options and that being numb is NOT being happy. He has become codependent...

Help free him if you really care, but if you don't want anything from him make sure to emphasize this advice isn't you hitting on him or propping yourself as an option.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:36 AM
 
9,408 posts, read 13,700,727 times
Reputation: 20394
Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmic_girl View Post
This is the reason why I am continuing my friendship with him because he never hit on me so I feel safe that it's platonic. He says we are not doing anything wrong since we are not flirting or intimate.

So does this mean I am being used for an ego boost???
Sorry, but sharing details of his marriage is very intimate and personal. Your boundaries are blurred. And yes, you're being used whether you see or not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:37 AM
 
320 posts, read 403,794 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Nope. He has his wife he can confide in(that is her job) and he can talk to his other friends and family or a counselor.
He cannot talk to his wife now because he is confused on when to confront her about her affair. He does not want to tell friends or family because he does not want to ruin his wife's reputation. I think that is very mature and selfless of him that in spite of the affair, he is still protecting her.

He got a schedule with a counselor next week. I thought maybe after that I can cut contact already?

Quote:
Originally Posted by hooplaman View Post
No, that is just a man who doesn't realize he has options and has become co-dependent. There is no such thing as unconditional love. There is loyalty though which I think some people confuse with unconditional acts.
He did tell me that his life revolves around his wife. He talks about his wife a lot. We never had a conversation where he did not mention her. I feel hurt for him knowing that someone he trusted and loved could betray him like that. I told him he has options but he said he will stick with his wife and will only think of leaving if she gets pregnant by another man

Last edited by cosmic_girl; 03-06-2014 at 08:45 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
Reputation: 53066
Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmic_girl View Post
One of the reasons I got attracted and thought it is safe to be friends with him is I think he is a man of character/good values. He always spoke well of his wife and he never flirted with me. We just enjoy talking to each other. I was the only person he shared the affair with since I do not know his wife. He does not want to ruin the image of his wife to friends and family. I really believe he is not capable of having a sexual affair because he seems to be still very in love with his wife. He said he wants to fix his marriage and I am amazed with his self control on not confronting his wife days after knowing the details of the affair.
A man of good character/values does not become emotionally entangled with another woman when he is married. You are thinking that because you are not sexually intimate with this person, that your relationship is not inappropriate. You are wrong.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:50 AM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,038,038 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmic_girl View Post
He cannot talk to his wife now because he is confused on when to confront her about her affair. He does not want to tell friends or family because he does not want to ruin his wife's reputation. I think that is very mature and selfless of him that in spite of the affair, he is still protecting her.

He got a schedule with a counselor next week. I thought maybe after that I can cut contact already?



He did tell me that his life revolves around his wife. He talks about his wife a lot. We never had a conversation where he did not mention her. I feel hurt for him knowing that someone he trusted and loved could betray him like that. I told him he has options but he said he will stick with his wife and will only think of leaving if she gets pregnant by another man
In that case doesn't sound like there is much hope to save him. I say don't be his emotional tampon anymore and tell him to seek help for his codependency.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:50 AM
 
818 posts, read 913,442 times
Reputation: 1009
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Sixy* View Post
This right here. Poor him

Their marriage is a train wreck. He's been chit-chatting you up since January and this was ok? Meanwhile his wife was probably wondering why he wasn't paying any attention to her.

Walk away OP. There is nothing you can do for him and you are on a very, very slippery slope. He is playing a game, and you are eating right out of his hands. Just warning you.
^^ good advice right here . You are playing with fire..... You've been warned.
Have you ever seen the show "Catfished" ? you might want to check it out
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 08:57 AM
 
320 posts, read 403,794 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by hooplaman View Post
I say support this guy and urge him to leave his relationship. Let him know he has options and that being numb is NOT being happy. He has become codependent...

Help free him if you really care, but if you don't want anything from him make sure to emphasize this advice isn't you hitting on him or propping yourself as an option.
I am hesitant to say my opinion since he is still very in love with his wife and he might not take it well. I am leaving him to make the decision. I only reminded him about the story of our common friend whose wife also cheated. He also forgave the first time but he left her the second time he found out.

I have been telling him that he has more options than his wife. His wife has more to lose if they split up too. I think he has issues that he has 2 children from different women (tragically both of whom cheated on him) Maybe he thinks that he will have a hard time finding a new partner.

His mother is NPD and I don't know if this has anything to do with him ending up with women that always cheat on him? He told me maybe something is wrong with him and it is his fault that he got cheated on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hooplaman View Post
In that case doesn't sound like there is much hope to save him. I say don't be his emotional tampon anymore and tell him to seek help for his codependency.
Is codependency same as BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder? This is rare among men, isn't it? But he does seem very attached to his wife, he really talks about her all the time and puts her on a pedestal. Even after the affair, he was justifying the wife's actions, maybe the affair was his fault, that he was too boring etc.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 09:00 AM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,038,038 times
Reputation: 958
It probably is his fault for getting cheated on so many times!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Terra
2,826 posts, read 3,973,476 times
Reputation: 3373
Marriage... lol.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2014, 09:11 AM
 
320 posts, read 403,794 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by hooplaman View Post
It probably is his fault for getting cheated on so many times!
What could be wrong? I don't think there's any excuse for cheating though He only loved 2 women in his life and both cheated on him. He seems like a very good man. Maybe because he shows the women that they can get away with anything? It is really frustrating hearing his stories about the affair of his wife and pretend like everything is normal with her
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top