Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You haven't even been dating long enough for the newness to have worn off the relationship, where you're not always putting your best foot forward. It's supposed to be going really well at 3 months!! But no, IMO it's not remotely long enough. Given your posting history here, i'd be waiting another 1.5 years to consider this, when you really know her, and know you want to make that kind of commitment.
you need not have refered to my " posting history " , I haven't posted anything much about myself in months so its a bit of a cheap shot on your part
I don't agree that you need to be engaged to move in with someone
Personally, I don't either, but it's really a decision best based around what individual people prioritize. So I get why it IS important to some people. It just wasn't, to me. And I did get married to the person I moved in with, even though it wasn't part of my decision to move in.
You should totally do it. I wouldn't even wait until May. Your list of four traits that you like about her, plus the 10 dates you have had, are a solid enough base on which to build a lifelong monogamous relationship with confidence.
Meanwhile, even as you post here, time's running out! Hurry!
If you think it would freak her out, it will probably freak her out.
I moved in with my now-husband about eight months after we met. We lived in neighboring areas, spent all of our time at either one person's place or the other's, and it made sense. We'd already talked about getting married at some point, and as it turned out, he proposed right after I moved in, as we were in the midst of unpacking boxes.
In relationships prior to my marriage, I'd lived with someone for five years (dated for three or four months long distance prior to my moving in). Marriage was never on the table.
My husband and I were both very much of the "When you know, you know" mentality. We also both were middle-aged adults with previous relationships under our belts. We'd each lived alone for a long time as well, and had that time and personal space to experience, so it wasn't a "We can't be alone" thing. There's no one answer for what's too soon. It depends on the couple, what they're comfortable with in their relationship, and that's really all that matters.
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
You haven't even been dating long enough for the newness to have worn off the relationship, where you're not always putting your best foot forward. It's supposed to be going really well at 3 months!! But no, IMO it's not remotely long enough. Given your posting history here, i'd be waiting another 1.5 years to consider this, when you really know her, and know you want to make that kind of commitment.
What does "putting your best foot forward" look like? While I get "newness" and honeymoon phases of all sorts of things (relationships, kids, etc), looking back on my marriage and relationships, I don't recall at what point we went from "putting on an act" (or however other folks mean) to "real life." There was no switch that I can remember. Much like Tabula, when not working we were together, and then he deployed and we did the LDR thing, then he returned and we got married that week and moved in. Sure, the dynamics changed because there is a different dynamic that comes with living with someone, but I honestly don't recall there being a point where things became real or less "newy." Wait. I take that back. Overtime I might have gone days without shaving my legs or there were times I didn't put much makeup on. We became more comfortable with each other, of course, and that meant seeing my hair all a mess, seeing my face without makeup, noticing that I occasionally snore (but according to him he noticed that even before we married).
Even looking back, I wouldn't have done anything different as I don't see what could have been known or improved upon by "dating" for 12+ months than 4. Nothing "new" (in the "oh my bob!" deal-breaker sense) was revealed at month 15 than at month 2 or 3.
Yeah. I've never experienced an "OH, the HORRORS! Had I only known, I would NEVER HAVE MOVED IN!!!!" thing.
Eh. Everyone also swore up and down that "being married will be so much different than JUST LIVING TOGETHER."
So far, it's not. Except for better insurance. And more BAH. Oh, and commissary benefits!
Which is not to say that I don't value being married, I absolutely do. But it didn't change everything about our relationship magically, no. I do feel that our relationship is taken more seriously by others married, versus cohabiting...because it is taken more seriously by others. But that's not why we got married.
My husband and I moved in together after only dating for 7 months, so I say at least give it 6 months! First though talk about what it would be LIKE to live together before talking about moving in together. And unless you guys are spending every single waking moment together (when not at work) then you really have no idea what it will be like to live with them. When my husband and I moved in together we had spend every single night together since we met, at his place or mine, so it was like we were already living together. I say you have at least 90 sleep overs (3 months) before you should decided to move in with someone.
The more important question to ask is WHY do you want to move in with her? Some reasons are more likely to stand up to the test of time than others.
My sentiments exactly. When deciding to take that step with someone my reasons for why would not include their physical traits or niceness.
On another point, some people suggest a couple date for X period of time until something "real" pops up as a way to gauge whether they're compatible in the long term.
"Dating" and what it looks like varies from couple to couple. People can date for years without experiencing moderate or major hiccups or they continue on in their "putting on an act/face" (best behavior, perhaps) until marriage or cohabitation. Heck, I've known people who dated for 2+ years before getting married/moving in, and then the "real" sh*t comes out or sh*t hits the fan. Since we can't possibly know what the future brings, time frames are arbitrary.
Dating my ex-husband for a longer period of time before marriage (4 months of physical dating) wouldn't have revealed anything I didn't already know within the first couple months. What did change was the dynamics of the relationship and becoming comfortable and settled in married/family life. Of course I learned more about him as time went on, but nothing in the "I wish I had known better" or "I should have waited because I didn't truly know him" sense.
What does a couple need to go through in order to gauge whether they're ready for cohabitation? Do they need to be on the same page on how dishes go in the dishwasher, or how the toilet paper roll is placed, or who cleans the litter box and does the grocery shopping? What sort of big things need to be known beforehand?
I find the "You don't really know him/her" statement interesting, and wonder what this actually entails. It imposes other people's ideals and experiences onto others. What could take one couple 8 months before settling into a comfortable place of transparency, intimacy and authenticity, could take another couple 2 or 3. It varies from couple to couple. How much does one need to know about their partner before taking "big" steps? What sort of topics/issues are included? Their stance on abortion, public assistance, the presence of WMD in Iraq, position on Star Wars vs. Star Trek, cats vs. dogs, Protestantism vs. Catholicism vs. Eastern Orthodox vs. Secular Humanism, chicken vs. beef, leasing vs. financing, etc.?
Yeah, at the point at which I moved in with my husband, we were pretty much already living together, just storing our things in two separate locations and alternating at which of them we slept at and cooked meals at, depending on what was most convenient.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
