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I'm new here (but I've been reading here for a while) and I also got a question and would love to hear your opinion.
I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. He's 31, I'm 28. I would say our relationship is great, but although we've been together for two years now (and I know his family, friends etc, we're making future plans like trips together) he still never asked me to live with him. A few days ago I decided to bring it up. What he said really shocked me a bit.
He said he doesn't wanna live with me (yet) because I'm so messy at his place (he has an own apartment and we're spending most of our time together there). What does that mean for him? He says my clothes are everywhere and I never do the dishes. When I do the dishes I sometimes wash the hot pan with cold water and he hates that (he says it damages the pan- Maybe he's right, but I forgot that a couple of times and apologized) He didn't tell me more points.
Here is what I actually do at his apartment (this is not from my point of view, I'm just listing up here what I do): In the last six months he had two big water accidents in his apartment (once there were some holes in the roof, another time the tubes bursted). Both times I helped him cleaning, drying and bringing out furniture for hours and hours without even complaining once, because for me it is natural to do that. For four complete days I stayed alone in his apartment (he had to work, I'm selfemployed, so I can work from any place) to supervise the workers when they came to put new floors and wallpapers and to fix the roof. I offered it to him because it was also natural for me. After they left, there was a huge mess in the apt. I cleaned everything by myself so it would be clean when he gets back. From time to time I cook for him or I bake him something. When together in his apartment, we always cook together, I'm NEVER watching tv or so while he cooks, nor the other way around. We always do it together. When I eat something or drink something, I always clean it directly or I put it in the sink and clean it later (same for him- we actually do the dishes 50-50). I helped him many times to take down his clothes from the hangers and fold them. When he asks me to do something, for example water the plants, I do it without complains. I never leave a mess in the bathroom and clean up after myself. I make the bed after I leave it (if he leaves it after me, he does it).
IMPORTANT: He also has a cleaning lady who comes once a week for 9 hours and cleans everything, cooks, irons etc.
To sum it up, I think I do a lot. I think I even do stuff I'm not even obliged to do because, after all, it's his apartment and not mine. When he's at my apartment (almost never, but that's okay for me because his apt is nicer and bigger) he never does anything. Didn't even help me once to do the dishes or to clean something. Plus, in his own apartment he's also not a perfectionist. Sometimes his clothes are everywhere as well or he cooks and there is sauce everywhere on the kitchen tables.
To address the points he told me- As I said, I do the dishes. Regarding my clothes, he has given me a really small drawer where almost nothing fits, so I use to fold my clothes and put them on my bag or on a shelf. In the evening they're sometimes for one night on the floor because I'm too lazy to fold them when I'm going to bed (he does the same).
I really don't know what to think about this. I mean, what do you GUYS expect from your girlfriends to do if she's a lot in your apartment? More than what I do?
Is he just being a big douche? What should I do?
And yes, it also came into my mind that maybe he's just trying to look for points that he doesn't like so he doesn't have to move in with me. On the other side, he seems to be very happy with me, talks about the future and if he didn't wanna be with me he could just break up.
Thanks!
PS: Sorry if there are any grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.
He's telling you he doesn't want to live with you. Those are the words you need to pay attention to. The examples he is giving are probably just BS examples. It really doesn't matter what anyone else is doing for their BF: he does not want you moving in with him.
He doesn't want to live with you. None of the rest of it matters.
He's got the relationship that he is comfortable with and he doesn't want to change it. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It just means that you are getting all the relationship already that you are going to get from him.
He's telling you he doesn't want to live with you. Those are the words you need to pay attention to. The examples he is giving are probably just BS examples. It really doesn't matter what anyone else is doing for their BF: he does not want you moving in with him.
You're trying to control and change the reality. You need to embrace and respect his choice .
I agree with this one.
I will add this, though.
He's said you don't clean up enough. Sooo... for the next month? Clean up constantly. Never leave a single piece of clothing, pot, pan, dish, etc out of place.
If he STILL comes up with some reason why he doesn't want to cohabitate? You've just confirmed that he's using this as an excuse.
And if you want this relationship to work, you need to figure out whether you're okay with not living together.
There ya go.
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sometimes if my place is too messy for the girls I go out with they will clean for me
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