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Old 03-13-2014, 02:10 PM
 
14,065 posts, read 14,222,391 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne View Post
Have you had relationships in which you waited until you were comfortable taking that next step and didn't do it out of some sense of obligation/expectation?
Not really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This is a form of self-sabotage. You're spoiling your own fun with your projections and apprehensions. Anyone with the integrity and caring that you're looking for would be open to discussing the issue when it comes up. And it may not for awhile. It's not fair to the other person for your to assume things about him.
You're right, I shouldn't do that.
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Old 03-13-2014, 02:16 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 2,695,107 times
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When I was in the dating looking for a husband phase, I usually ended up making my position that I was waiting until marriage very clear when the sexual chemistry began flying in a make-out session. I mean I didn't make it clear right then, but shortly after. I didn't want to mislead, nor did I want to form much emotional connection to a man who just wasn't on the same page as I was on. I dated quite a few men short term until I found my husband and that worked out just fine for me. I'd rather cut someone loose as soon as possible if we were not compatible in that regard or for any other reason -- if I was dating with an eye for marriage -- because I'd consider it a waste of both of our time. Of course there's always the men who claim they are on the same page, but begin pressuring. The moment the pressure started up I cut them loose.
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Old 03-13-2014, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Upland, CA
3,875 posts, read 7,001,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
I'm not waiting for marriage. I just don't like feeling like I'm expected to have sex with someone within the first few weeks/months of knowing them. I think it's a reasonable expectation after maybe 3-6 months.
Then don't. Do what feels comfortable for you.
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Old 03-13-2014, 02:52 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
13,524 posts, read 19,083,558 times
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Just let them beg, SLS, let them beg, I say.
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Old 03-13-2014, 03:59 PM
 
14,065 posts, read 14,222,391 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaypee View Post
Just let them beg, SLS, let them beg, I say.
It's not my intention to torture the men I date.
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Old 03-13-2014, 04:13 PM
 
18,668 posts, read 16,644,256 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
If that's the case, how did people fall for each other and got engaged without having sex first in the past?
In the past, like now, most people didn't.
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Old 03-13-2014, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
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Just a wild guess: because they would rather have sex and not be married?
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Old 03-13-2014, 04:30 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,366 posts, read 5,264,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
I don't feel like every guy I've dated expected sex early. I just gather from the things that I hear that the "norm" for non-religious adults is early sex, so this is at the back of my mind when I meet someone. For example, I have a 4th date coming up with a guy I just met and he's attractive and seems nice and all, but I'm not ready to get naked with him. Some would see that as a problem.
It isn't a problem for you, and that's all that matters. Even for me it isn't a "problem," as in, it isn't "wrong" to wait until X date to share physical intimacy. However, if there is intense chemistry from the get-go, a genuine connection, then physical intimacy, in my experience, is bound to happen early on, within the fist few dates.

I've fallen in love with my last few partners before meeting in person. With the first we waited about 4-5 dates within a two week time frame. The second, since we were LD we weren't physically intimate until six weeks in, and guess what? It left me feeling like something was missing. He was crazy about me, and I had feelings for him. However, what I expected from intimacy, a deep sense of connectedness, he wasn't quite familiar or experienced with. Sex to him was not a bonding or emotional experience. It was more mechanical, and I needed, desired, more, so it felt off for me. Even as things progressed and we lived together briefly, the sex remained the same, mechanical and devoid of that intense and intimate bond. (and I'm not talking simply "making love," the sex can be rough/raw and still be incredibly passionate and intimate) So the intimacy just wasn't right for me, and that would have become a big problem, because it was already a problem. Who wants to "work on" their sex life during the early part of a relationship or marriage? That should already be in place.

I've run into this before with partners before and after. They're good when it comes to mechanics, but something deeper, well, that's missing, and these are older and some pretty experienced men. Actually, my *best* partners had the fewest partners. Imagine that.

The third gentleman, we were also briefly LD when we got involved. However, I sensed an intimacy, a connectedness, with him that told me it would be amazing. Our views on intimacy and what we desired were identical, and our chemistry and the level of intimacy we shared even before the physical intimacy was intense. And guess what, the physical intimacy was amazing. I'm all about sensuality, touch, affection, and the nuances of various forms of intimacy, and this was something he understood because he never quite experienced it in the way he desired.

I get what you're asking, why aren't people willing to wait for sex as they are willing to wait for marriage. For me, with the right person, I don't need to wait as long as he is on the same page.
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Old 03-13-2014, 04:44 PM
 
14,065 posts, read 14,222,391 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique View Post
I've fallen in love with my last few partners before meeting in person. With the first we waited about 4-5 dates within a two week time frame. The second, since we were LD we weren't physically intimate until six weeks in, and guess what? It left me feeling like something was missing. He was crazy about me, and I had feelings for him. However, what I expected from intimacy, a deep sense of connectedness, he wasn't quite familiar or experienced with. Sex to him was not a bonding or emotional experience. It was more mechanical, and I needed, desired, more, so it felt off for me.
Interesting. I think of sex as being mechanical too (in a bad way) which is why I don't really have an interest in doing it. I've never gotten to the point where I felt any kind of deep emotions for someone that would make me want to do it and I'm not interested on a superficial "I'm just horny" level either.

I just don't think of sex as fun. I know it is for other people, but it's not my idea of fun, so that's really the reason why I'd rather put it off. My thinking was that after 3-6 months, maybe I'd feel more incentive to do it, but probably not. So I might as well just go ahead and do it early or just forget about it. Whatever motivation I'm waiting for that'll make me want to do it just never happens.
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Old 03-13-2014, 04:46 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,366 posts, read 5,264,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
Interesting. I think of sex as being mechanical too (in a bad way) which is why I don't really have an interest in doing it. I've never gotten to the point where I felt any kind of deep emotions for someone that would make me want to do it and I'm not interested on a superficial "I'm just horny" level either.

I just don't think of sex as fun. I know it is for other people, but it's not my idea of my fun, so that's really the reason why I'd rather put it off. My thinking was that after 3-6 months, maybe I'd feel more incentive to do it, but probably not. So I might as well just go ahead and do it early or just forget about it. Whatever motivation I'm waiting for that'll make me want to do it just never happens.
That's how you think of sex, or feel? Is that the way it has felt in the past?
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