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From the OP: "I have always had the strong fantasy of visiting a dominatrix as far back as I can remember. Obviously it has been my little secret. Now that I'm in my 40s, I kind of feel like I want to scratch this itch rather than regret no doing so when I'm 80. I don't want to do this often, more of a bucket list type thing, the reality is likely to be not as good as the fantasy anyway. "
This is the kind of stuff that needs to be talked about before people sleep together, much less get married.
"From the OP: "I have always had the strong fantasy of visiting a dominatrix as far back as I can remember."
That would be far down on my list but what the hell, I would give it a try if it was something mild. I do admire a partner who is open to trying things once and more often if we both enjoy (as long as there is no real pain). If she's my partner in crime and we can share experiences together she's a find.
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To get it out of the way, a professional dominatrix does not have sex with her clients, that is not what I am seeking. More just beating/bondage type stuff.
I have always had the strong fantasy of visiting a dominatrix as far back as I can remember. Obviously it has been my little secret. Now that I'm in my 40s, I kind of feel like I want to scratch this itch rather than regret no doing so when I'm 80. I don't want to do this often, more of a bucket list type thing, the reality is likely to be not as good as the fantasy anyway.
I love my wife to death and I'm not sure exactly where she will fall on this when/if I tell her. It's not the case that I would ask her to partake in this fantasy of mine (and she probably would just to please me)- I want to see a 'real' dominatrix, not someone (and especially not my wife) pretending to be one. I'm not looking to be submissive or be humiliated or anything of the psychological nature- I'm after the whole pageantry dungeon pain thing. She has dabbled in S&M before our marriage that she doesn't discuss much at all really- we have a active, good sex life but nothing too crazy beyond some toys and sometimes rougher with me as the dominant. We don't really communicate verbally what we want sexually much or have any specific fantasy type stuff going on- we tend to just do it or 'gift' the toy etc. and I think we are both very satisfied.
Most important to me is that I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is not the jealous type, nor am I in any way the cheating type. I definitely don't want her to feel inadequate in any way- this is just something she cannot give me. If she does not approve, I would be 100% comfortable and respectful of that, but of course the cat would be out of the bag and I would feel bad that I have somehow offended her or something. I trust her not to blab to our friends or anything, but I would hate for this to become a weird elephant in the room issue between us as everything else in our lives is going so great. On the other hand I just kind of feel like I have to bring it up and ask, and of course I would like the answer to be yes. If the shoe was on the other foot and she truly felt the way I do I would have no problem with it, and I mean that.
I've been meaning to bring this up to her for years, decades even! But I always chicken out or put it off too far and lose the nerve and forget about it. So internet hive mind- what do you think? Should I just continue quietly watching femdom porn, or man up and talk to my wife about my longstanding fantasy?
You should know your own wife better than we do but consider this. If you are not going to tell her but decide to go ahead with your fantasy and sneak around then she finds out, it may not go so well because her trust in you may be broken. That in itself may cause the end of your marriage.
So in the long term which is more important to you; your marriage or your fantasy?
Cannot say I agree with the majority of responses here. I would agree that you should share your fantasy with your wife. But first be clear that what you are sharing might be difficult for her to hear and, that you will respect her wishes. Then explain why it would be uncomfortable for her to be involved AND, that you are not interested in any sexual activity. She may very well have an issue with it or, she might be okay with it. Either way, you will have been honest with her and if she disapproves, maybe by talking openly about it you will get some closure on the issue once and for all. Nobody else can predict how she will respond but if this is something you have been thinking about for years, it's not likely to just disappear. Tell her and deal with it.
This is where we disagree. IMO this is sexual activity, he wants to go and get a sexual need met outside his marriage. It may not involve putting his ___ in her ____, but the goal is still sexual arousal and release. To me this is no different than telling your wife you really want to bang a hot young blonde, since you never did it when you were younger. To me this is putting her in a horrible position from which she will never be able to view her marriage and OP the same, all so he can go outside his marriage so he doesn't regret not "scratching an itch". Blowing her life up so he can get permission to "scratch an itch" is the ultimate display of selfishness to me. To me neither answer has any integrity at all, but IMO it would be kinder for him to just go do it and live with the guilt, not try to do it guilt-free by putting the decision on her.
This is where we disagree. IMO this is sexual activity, he wants to go and get a sexual need met outside his marriage. It may not involve putting his ___ in her ____, but the goal is still sexual arousal and release. To me this is no different than telling your wife you really want to bang a hot young blonde, since you never did it when you were younger. To me this is putting her in a horrible position from which she will never be able to view her marriage and OP the same, all so he can go outside his marriage so he doesn't regret not "scratching an itch". Blowing her life up so he can get permission to "scratch an itch" is the ultimate display of selfishness to me. To me neither answer has any integrity at all, but IMO it would be kinder for him to just go do it and live with the guilt, not try to do it guilt-free by putting the decision on her.
I agree with this. Going outside the marriage is a bad idea and may as well be full on intercourse. This is why I keep urging OP that if he is not goin to abandon his fantasy, to consider it with his wife, assuming she is willing. I am not clear why he is so unwilling to ask her. I realize he said having a stranger dominate him is part of the fantasy, but if he is willing to modify his expectations a little he may find it even more fulfilling if his wife does it.
And again, if he is goin to incorporate this fantasy into his marriage, take baby steps. Don't roll out the ball gag and hand cuffs on the first night. Build up to it. Maybe you and your wife will find a renewed interest in each other or push yourselves to levels you never imagined. Or if you find it uncomfortable and you've taken baby steps you can always back away.
Whatever you do, get the idea of another woman out of your head. Come on, OP! Don't do that to your wife!
Doing this behind her back is absolutely not an option for me. I would never consider it. My choice is tell her and live with her decision or not tell her at all and live with mine. If she had a problem with it I would certainly not ever bring it up again or hold it against her or anything childish like that.
I don't personally consider this cheating if I do it with her consent and knowledge. I don't consider it cheating when she reads erotica or goes to a bachelorette party. As I've said before, I have definitely considered the shoe on the other foot scenario and I would be ok with that. She was into S&M a long time ago, if she wanted to revit those days without me that would be fine as long as she was not seeking some kind of relationship. She has also been in open relatioships before me so the concept of separating your relationship from your desires is not completely foreign to her.
Doing this behind her back is absolutely not an option for me. I would never consider it. My choice is tell her and live with her decision or not tell her at all and live with mine. If she had a problem with it I would certainly not ever bring it up again or hold it against her or anything childish like that.
I don't personally consider this cheating if I do it with her consent and knowledge. I don't consider it cheating when she reads erotica or goes to a bachelorette party. As I've said before, I have definitely considered the shoe on the other foot scenario and I would be ok with that. She was into S&M a long time ago, if she wanted to revit those days without me that would be fine as long as she was not seeking some kind of relationship. She has also been in open relatioships before me so the concept of separating your relationship from your desires is not completely foreign to her.
Thank you all for the discussion.
That being said, she would obviously be more open to it than your average person here.
I am not clear why he is so unwilling to ask her. I realize he said having a stranger dominate him is part of the fantasy, but if he is willing to modify his expectations a little he may find it even more fulfilling if his wife does it.
It's not part of the fantasy, that is the whole fantasy. There is no point to me in modifying my expectations. Then we end up with two of us doing something we'd rather not be doing (she is submissive). We have plenty of other things we do like to do together. If she told me she wanted to be with a woman, I would not suggest I wear a wig instead.
If my husband ever told me he wanted to experience sex with another woman (use whatever term you want, but that is what you are saying here), that would have been the end of our marriage.
Doing this behind her back is absolutely not an option for me. I would never consider it. My choice is tell her and live with her decision or not tell her at all and live with mine. If she had a problem with it I would certainly not ever bring it up again or hold it against her or anything childish like that.
I don't personally consider this cheating if I do it with her consent and knowledge. I don't consider it cheating when she reads erotica or goes to a bachelorette party. As I've said before, I have definitely considered the shoe on the other foot scenario and I would be ok with that. She was into S&M a long time ago, if she wanted to revit those days without me that would be fine as long as she was not seeking some kind of relationship. She has also been in open relatioships before me so the concept of separating your relationship from your desires is not completely foreign to her.
Thank you all for the discussion.
This isn't the point. The point is, even if you respect her decision, she still has to spend the rest of her life with the knowledge she isn't enough for you. I actually think you believe you are being noble or honorable or something by dropping this bombshell on her, but I disagree. If she is as open minded as your past post seems to suggest, then why has this been your little secret for "decades"?
This shouldn't even be a question unless you feel she wasn't ok with it...
You know your wife better than anyone here OP. Answer your own question.
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