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I wouldn't tolerate cheating in my relationships and you seem to think I would tolerate it in my marriage?!
Why did you get married to such a basket case or are you going to claim ignorance?
If you met my wife you would never consider her a "basket case". She hides what is going on inside very well. No one would have any idea about her past. When I met her she did confide about her past, but indicated she had been through therapy and that while it still is with her she had mostly gotten past it.
I wouldn't tolerate cheating in my relationships and you seem to think I would tolerate it in my marriage?!
Why did you get married to such a basket case or are you going to claim ignorance?
Toleration implies allowing it to continue. I do not tolerate it. But given the circumstances, I have chosen to attempt to forgive and move forward. The fact that we had not really been "a couple" for several months and would have clearly been apart had we had the money, does make the betrayal a little easier to handle. It is almost like we broke up and then have decided to give it another shot, and that she had a relationship while we were broken up.
If it happened again, or if she even started to develop close friendships with men then I would end it and move on. In my opinion 15 years of a life built is worth attempting to save the marriage. And I think until you have been there you can't say how you would react. I said the same things you are saying even 10 years ago,
If you met my wife you would never consider her a "basket case". She hides what is going on inside very well. No one would have any idea about her past. When I met her she did confide about her past, but indicated she had been through therapy and that while it still is with her she had mostly gotten past it.
You knew before you married her? You still decided to marry her even though this should have been a red flag for you to stay away. Why would you settle for this woman who obviously had some deep issues that she admitted weren't completely resolved? They are other women you could have just as great chemistry with who didn't have this sort of baggage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Julian658
Arizona:
Many that advocate instant ending of the marriage have never been or walked in your shoes. It is never easy to end a marriage. If your wife is motivated for reconciliation then it is OK to go for it. This is not about you been less of a man. You have not done anything dishonorable. If anything you are a greater man for giving your wife another opportunity.
Swell idea lets all become cuckolds so we can be greater men.
Have you been cheated on? Are you rationalizing your own actions within your marriage?
Wrong is wrong, you knew what you were getting into when you married this woman.
No I'm not saying it's a free pass at all. I'm saying it is wrong, but people make mistakes. I'm saying that it's easier for some to avoid that mistake than others. My wife's past makes her more prone to that mistake. If she is willing to get help and make a strong effort to avoid the pitfalls that led to the mistake then 15 years is worth saving.
No I'm not saying it's a free pass at all. I'm saying it is wrong, but people make mistakes. I'm saying that it's easier for some to avoid that mistake than others. My wife's past makes her more prone to that mistake. If she is willing to get help and make a strong effort to avoid the pitfalls that led to the mistake then 15 years is worth saving.
Promise us that you will return to this thread to update because here is my prediction. As soon as she gets the chance she is going to leave you. All this is just a sideshow and her way of rationalizing and dealing with her guilt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arizona_Native
Toleration implies allowing it to continue. I do not tolerate it. But given the circumstances, I have chosen to attempt to forgive and move forward. The fact that we had not really been "a couple" for several months and would have clearly been apart had we had the money, does make the betrayal a little easier to handle. It is almost like we broke up and then have decided to give it another shot, and that she had a relationship while we were broken up.
If it happened again, or if she even started to develop close friendships with men then I would end it and move on. In my opinion 15 years of a life built is worth attempting to save the marriage. And I think until you have been there you can't say how you would react. I said the same things you are saying even 10 years ago,
You are just rationalizing now...
By the way telling me I cannot say because I haven't been married for 15 years is just a the logical fallacy of appeal to authority. You aren't actually countering anything I am saying by repeating it rather you are trying to deflect back onto myself and others.
I live life with principles, I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me. People don't change especially this late in life.
You knew before you married her? You still decided to marry her even though this should have been a red flag for you to stay away. Why would you settle for this woman who obviously had some deep issues that she admitted weren't completely resolved? They are other women you could have just as great chemistry with who didn't have this sort of baggage.
Swell idea lets all become cuckolds so we can be greater men.
Have you been cheated on? Are you rationalizing your own actions within your marriage?
I knew she had been abused. I knew that she sometimes had flashbacks. I did not know that she needed external validation from other men. I'd never known anyone that had been abused so I had no idea. I just knew that I loved this woman and enjoyed my time with her like no one else I'd ever met. And I still do.
If I could turn back the clock 15 years and change things would I? I don't know because I have two amazing kids that would not be who they are if they had anyone else as their mom.
You knew before you married her? You still decided to marry her even though this should have been a red flag for you to stay away. Why would you settle for this woman who obviously had some deep issues that she admitted weren't completely resolved? They are other women you could have just as great chemistry with who didn't have this sort of baggage.
Swell idea lets all become cuckolds so we can be greater men.
Have you been cheated on? Are you rationalizing your own actions within your marriage?
For you this may be an issue of pride or personal injury. But, other men do not see their manhood in those terms.
Promise us that you will return to this thread to update because here is my prediction. As soon as she gets the chance she is going to leave you. All this is just a sideshow and her way of rationalizing and dealing with her guilt.
You are just rationalizing now...
By the way telling me I cannot say because I haven't been married for 15 years is just a the logical fallacy of appeal to authority. You aren't actually countering anything I am saying by repeating it rather you are trying to deflect back onto myself and others.
I live life with principles, I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me. People don't change especially this late in life.
I did not say that you definitely would have a different perspective. You may have left, I don't know. I'm saying until you've been in the situation you can't know for certain. I felt exactly as you did 10 years ago. I even communicated this to my wife.
I will revisit this if I remember. I could be wrong and she could leave me. If so then I pick myself up and move on. But I do so knowing that I did what I could to be there for my family. I didn't walk out on it because of some code I live my life by.
For you this may be an issue of pride or personal injury. But, other men do not see their manhood in those terms.
Exactly! Her having the affair has nothing to do with me. It is about her. I don't take it all that personally. I have moments of anger and betrayal, but I mostly look at is a mistake that she made.
The reason your marriage was on the rocks was because she was having an affair. She will try to say I had the affair because the marriage was bad, but it is usually the other way around. HEr affair made the marriage bad.
She did not have sex once with her lover. She probably did it a 100 times. All these folks lie about how often they have intercourse. They are great liars.
Lastly, when women have affairs they are generally deeply in love with the other man. That is why she cannot have sex with you. She is grieving the loss of her OM. And there is always the possibility the affair is still going on. If the OM is married you should call his wife.
The damage to the children was done by her and not you.
You should dump your wife if she is not truly sorry for cheating and if she is making no significant effort to repair the marriage.
She will blame you for the affair and will blame you for the damage to the children.
I know multiple couples that are 'currently' in or have been similar situations. Seen it many times over the years. Almost all of the women have a history of childhood sexual abuse, even though 1 experienced her abuse as a young adult.
"The reason your marriage was on the rocks was because she was having an affair. She will try to say I had the affair because the marriage was bad, but it is usually the other way around. HEr affair made the marriage bad."
In my experience the reason the marriage was on the rocks was because this woman has serious unresolved issues from her past, not an affair. The Affair (Most likely affairs) is just a symptom of the deeper issue as most affairs are.
"She did not have sex once with her lover. She probably did it a 100 times"
Most likely true.
"Lastly, when women have affairs they are generally deeply in love with the other man. That is why she cannot have sex with you. She is grieving the loss of her OM. And there is always the possibility the affair is still going on. If the OM is married you should call his wife."
Every instance that I know of where a woman who has past sexual abuse they have had affairs with multiple men. Most single men are not willing to be the side man, but many will bang a married women as a booty call or just once.
"You should dump your wife if she is not truly sorry for cheating and if she is making no significant effort to repair the marriage."
I would have to agree. I have never seen this situation end where the couple worked it out. Unfortunately most all of them are still with their spouses because they are unable to support themselves financially.
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