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Nobody was talking about everyday insecurities.
But seeing how you are a sexual assault expert....
One excuse for adultery is no better than another excuse.
The OP needs to decide if adultery is acceptable and end all checking. Cheaters actually get a lot of their thrill from lying, trying not to be caught, and coming up with good excuses when caught. Cheaters are more immature than rebellious teenagers sneaking around and trying to fool their parents. Checking up on an adulterer or adultress makes them all the more like bad children but also makes the whole cat and mouse game that marital infidelity really is all that more fun for the players.
You do realize that you are labeling women that have been sexually assaulted as tainted and not worthy of love. That is a disgusting perspective to have. Do you also feel that it was partially their fault?
He is eliminating the factors he is not comfortable with. It's totally fine..
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
One excuse for adultery is no better than another excuse.
The OP needs to decide if adultery is acceptable and end all checking. Cheaters actually get a lot of their thrill from lying, trying not to be caught, and coming up with good excuses when caught. Cheaters are more immature than rebellious teenagers sneaking around and trying to fool their parents. Checking up on an adulterer or adultress makes them all the more like bad children but also makes the whole cat and mouse game that marital infidelity really is all that more fun for the players.
Nobody is excusing adultery. It's HER issue to deal with. She has to accept and acknowledge her issues. Until she can do this the healing as a family cannot Take place.
She needs support from those who ACTUALLY love her, the past is the past and it's what she needs to come to terms with before the present has the ability to heal.
If she cannot or does not want to assume the responsibility of healing for herself or the betterment of her family, The OP needs to decide what's best for his children and his own well being going forward.
This whole situation isn't cut and dry. It's a layered mess now that it's gone as far as having he children involved. EVERYONE needs to be seeking help not only to deal with what these issues have caused but to help he children prepare for possible outcomes that nobody wants to think of.
Its not "one issue" anymore. It shouldn't be treated as one.
The blame games need to stop.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-27-2014 at 12:52 PM..
Reason: Autocorrect corrections.
That's absurd. I cannot forgive it over and over. That is the point.
So you'll check up on her like you might check up on a rebellious child? That doesn't help her to grow up.
We had a wife of some guy at work sitting pathetically in the parking lot just trying to catch him, she would even approach his coworkers to see what they might tell her, but obviously she already knew the truth. If you are checking on her, you already know you don't trust her.
I knew she had been abused. Having never been abused I had no idea what kind of damage that can cause to a person. But do you have no compassion for other people at all? So you could meet this seemingly great person and have all kinds of things in common. You could have great chemistry, but as soon as they divulged that they were sexually abused you'd run? I'd rather be the so-called "doormat" or "cuckold" than a narcissist.
I personally wouldn't run but that would be a massive red flag and I'd need to know that she was either going through or had gone through therapy or was willing to talk to me about it before getting married. Past sexual abuse has a massive impact on a relationship and usually if someone doesn't deal with it or isn't willing to deal with it, one of two things happen. They are either hypersexual or won't have sex no matter what. Both of those are issues, if she wouldn't be up for counseling or working through it then yes I would run. That's not being selfish, that action is not getting into a situation that potentially damages your well-being and happiness.
Thank you for being a voice of reason. Many of the others opinions are worth less than the time they took to type them.
Yes I was seeing a therapist but I recently stopped. It didn't seem to be worth it as she was just a sounding board, which I have friends for that don't charge me $80 a session. It's possible that I could find another therapist that is better, but in reality I kind of know what I need to do.
No, you don't. You desperately need a good therapist.
Affairs are a sign that something is wrong in a marriage, and that means BOTH of you need to look long and hard at the roles you BOTH played in letting it break down to the point where it happened. Yes, her affair is partly about YOU. Ultimately, she was the one who chose to have it, and I am not saying it's okay or that you don't have a right to be angry and hurt about it, but this stuff does not happen in a vacuum.
Every post out of your keyboard on here paints you to be a blame-shifter and someone who denigrates people for their feelings. Not only did you sink to the level of trying to use your children to control your wife and write it off as some kind of justifiable blip, but the next time you had a disagreement, you told your wife in front of your children that you felt she was being bitchy. These are not the actions of a man who knows how to control his anger.
Furthermore, you pay very shallow lip service to not paying attention to her enough. You gloss over it, and then you go on about how she is needy and she has needs other people don't have. Again, you shift the lion's share of the blame to her. You have no concept of the trauma she endured, and you minimize its after-effects as neediness.
Your wife messed up, badly, because she IS messed up, badly.
Wow. You can determine that from a few paragraphs? Chalk you opinion up to one not worth considering remotely valid.
I tell you what I certainly can determine, A) you're a Captain Save-A-*** and B) you have zero self-respect. From what you've written she's not taking responsibility for anything she's just blaming you. She's not sorry about cheating on you, she's sorry she got caught. But from all the excuses that you've put up in this thread, it's easy to see why you can't see that.
This has nothing to do with your wife being sexually abused, it has to do with the way she's treating the relationship.
A) She cheated on you.
B) She didn't apologize.
C) She blew up when you confronted her.
D) She threatened to take the kids.
E) She blames you for telling them about the affair every time there's an argument.
F) She's cut you off from sex and you admit that there is no passion in the relationship.
But what do I know buddy? Keep on taking her abuse and letting your kids get caught in the middle of it.
I think your wife is trying to give you the guilt trip for her having the affair. I agree that you shouldn't have told your children. But with that being said, IMO children are pretty resilient, they will get over itin time if they haven't already. My dad had an affair on my mom when I was like 6 or 7, I knew about it and my life wasn't ruined.
Maybe if your wife didn't want your kids to know about it, perhaps she shouldn't have had the affair!! Don't let her try to give you a guilt trip for her screw up.
And I am sure it was more then once that she had sex with this guy.
I think your wife is trying to give you the guilt trip for her having the affair. I agree that you shouldn't have told your children. But with that being said, IMO children are pretty resilient, they will get over itin time if they haven't already. My dad had an affair on my mom when I was like 6 or 7, I knew about it and my life wasn't ruined.
Maybe if your wife didn't want your kids to know about it, perhaps she shouldn't have had the affair!! Don't let her try to give you a guilt trip for her screw up.
And I am sure it was more then once that she had sex with this guy.
It's not the event that will "screw the children" it's the aftermath and how people react or take asides that will accomplish this.
I think your wife is trying to give you the guilt trip for her having the affair. I agree that you shouldn't have told your children. But with that being said, IMO children are pretty resilient, they will get over itin time if they haven't already. My dad had an affair on my mom when I was like 6 or 7, I knew about it and my life wasn't ruined.
Maybe if your wife didn't want your kids to know about it, perhaps she shouldn't have had the affair!! Don't let her try to give you a guilt trip for her screw up.
And I am sure it was more then once that she had sex with this guy.
She says that she knows it was her fault for having the affair in the first place. But it was possible for the kids to be sheltered from it and I made sure that did not happen. I don't feel guilty for telling the kids. I just wish, now that we are trying to work it out, that my kids were not aware that their mother did this awful thing. I don't like that my wife has to deal with the fact that her kids know this about her and it affects their respect for her. I know that what my kids think of me is the absolute most important thing in my life. So I would be devastated were I in her shoes. Now I would not have done what she did, but that is beside the point.
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