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My wife cheated on me sort of. We had been having issues for several months and she basically told me she wanted a separation. We were unable to afford getting separate households and then agreed to wait until after the holidays to avoid ruining them for the kids. In the meantime we were sort of working on our relationship and my wife told me that she needed some time alone to sort out issues from her past. She was sexually abused as a child and was starting to have issues with it again. Well I found a letter on Christmas that confirmed she was having an affair. She claims the affair had been going on for a few months and they only had sex once. Initially I thought the marriage was over. I confronted her when finding the letter and all hell broke lose. She threatened to leave and take the kids with her. I told her that if she tried taking the kids I would tell them about the affair. She didn't back down and started to walk down the stairs to get them. I went downstairs and told the kids about the affair and told them to not go with their mother. Not a moment I'm proud of, but i was reacting and not thinking.
Fast forward to today and my wife has been in therapy for about 3 months. We had sex two days after Christmas but none since then. She says that with all the emotions coming out in therapy that she cannot even consider sex. I've agreed to not push the issue of sex at all. Which I don't for the most part other than occasionally expressing my frustration. I never try to initiate anything physical. Our relationship together in many respects is better than it's ever been. We prioritize each other more and get along very well. There is just no passion at this point which is starting to wear thin on me, as there is no timetable for that to change.
That is the background. So this morning we got into an argument over something I said that my wife took as sarcastic. She got really bitchy which I felt was uncalled for and so I stated that. It wasn't a big deal, but the kids were in the room. We didn't really raise our voices and it lasted like a minute. Just a minor disagreement. Well my wife became very upset and expressed anger at me because she feels that every time we fight the kids remember Christmas and blame her for the affair. Which she in turn gets angry at me because I should not have told them. I find it incredibly selfish for her to blame my reaction to something like that, when she actually had the affair.
I think it would be a good idea for the kids to also go to therapy, which might include their parents at some sessions, so that the children can deal in a safe environment with the damage their parents have caused.
If you are both committed to repairing your marriage then you both need to be in therapy to learn how to effectively communicate. There is a healthier way to communicate your differences without going back to the original points of hurt, ie her affair and then you telling the kids. A marriage counselor can help you both navigate these murky waters. Good luck, you both sound like you want to make your marriage work for both yourselves and your children.
Leave them out of your drama as much as possible. Do you know how much you damaged them already with involving them??
Did you not read my post? I wasn't thinking I was reacting. It wasn't like I wanted them to know. Fact is they probably already highly suspected given our house is not that large and we weren't completely quiet. Plus they were already aware of issues we were having. When you live in a house together it is rather difficult to completely shelter the kids from everything.
I think it would be a good idea for the kids to also go to therapy, which might include their parents at some sessions, so that the children can deal in a safe environment with the damage their parents have caused.
We have talked to the kids about things since Christmas. My wife told the kids, without specifics, that she has a lot of issues she needs to deal with related to her past and that she needs to fix them before we can really repair the marriage.
Jesus...if there's anyone I feel sorry for in this situation, it's your kids. You two need to go your own separate ways this isn't even remotely worth fixing. You're running the risk of doing more damage to your children by staying together and fighting as opposed to separating.
If you are both committed to repairing your marriage then you both need to be in therapy to learn how to effectively communicate. There is a healthier way to communicate your differences without going back to the original points of hurt, ie her affair and then you telling the kids. A marriage counselor can help you both navigate these murky waters. Good luck, you both sound like you want to make your marriage work for both yourselves and your children.
My wife is in therapy dealing with years of abuse she suffered in childhood and then in her first marriage. She realized that she has a cycle of self-destructive behavior that she needs to end. While she is in therapy for this that is all she can handle.
Jesus...if there's anyone I feel sorry for in this situation, it's your kids. You two need to go your own separate ways this isn't even remotely worth fixing. You're running the risk of doing more damage to your children by staying together and fighting as opposed to separating.
Wow. You can determine that from a few paragraphs? Chalk you opinion up to one not worth considering remotely valid.
My wife is in therapy dealing with years of abuse she suffered in childhood and then in her first marriage. She realized that she has a cycle of self-destructive behavior that she needs to end. While she is in therapy for this that is all she can handle.
Are you seeing a therapist?
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