Advice on getting my ex back after a mutual breakup (dating, girlfriend)

[legendver2]

Hi, new to the forum. I know the general consensus is to just move the f*ck on, but I really feel like she could be the one, and I really don't want to have any regrets for not trying at least one more time. So here goes:

my ex-girlfriend and I have been in a long loving relationship for officially 3 yrs, and unofficially 2 yrs, so a combined total of 5 years. for 3 years, we were crazy about each other, our circle of friends were for sure we were going to go the distance. We had absolute trust in each other, we never ever got jealous, we rarely fought, got along great, and even when we fought, we were mature enough to talk it out and make up. basically it was bliss. Then things took a slight turn. The reason for the official/unofficial, is that after the first 3 years, we initiated a mutual breakup. The reason for the breakup is she feels that at the time, I would be unable to provide for a family, which also led to her parents not approving of me. So we thought it was best to breakup, but we still had very strong feelings for each other, and kept contact as close friends (probably closer than close friends). Obviously this didn't work out so well and pretty soon we started seeing each other again, doing couple-y things, sex, and all the things couples do. We tried to break it off a few more times (maybe once or twice), but same result. She always believed that even if we don't end up together, I would still be a very bi part of her life, and vice versa for me, since our feelings are still very strong, and we really like the company of each other. Not to mentioned, she really did thought I was the one, and that we would really go the distance.

Fast forward a yr or 2 later, we tried to break up again. Like really tried. Just to let you all know, I still really want her as my life partner. Problem is my family is going through some financial struggles, making it difficult for me to start building my own stable life since I have to help them out. She knows this and understands, but I guess that biological clock is ticking for her (as of today, she's 25 and I'm 29), and it doesn't help that she sees a lot of her friends getting married and having kids (don't you hate that). Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to settle down with her and have a family, but as I mentioned, certain life circumstances made it difficult for me to move forward towards settling down financially. During this time, she feels that I'm not actively working towards securing my future, but looking in hindsight, I was actually lost during that time and not sure what to do due to fear and uncertainty of my family's situation. She mentioned one time that the break was for her to be sure if she was just comfortable in the relationship or if she really did like me, and her conclusion was she really did like me.

But anyway, about 3 months ago, beginning of the year, we tried the breakup again after all the holiday tingles were over (nobody wants to be alone for the holidays). So this time we tried our best to stick to it. We slowly decreased our hanging out, phone calls, texting. It took a few weeks but it eventually led to about seeing each other once a week, maybe 2-3 calls a week, and less texting. During this time I did a lot of self reflection, feeling close o figuring out what I have to do and how to get control of my life back in terms of building up finances and being able to have a stable lifestyle (family still going through struggles, so it will take some time before the results from my close-to-revelations appear). However, she told me one time she needed a few days to think about things before our next hang out since shes been having dreams about settling down, and she wants to stop messing around now and work towards that.

So about a month ago, late February, she laid it down on me. She was starting to talk to someone else. She emphasized multiple times that it was nothing serious yet, and from the sound of it, they probably weren't even seeing each other yet, but just talking and I guess she felt a slight interest. She said she felt I should know, since we were still very very close despite the decreased contact (which was still a lot for close friends). She said she would understand if I wasn't ok with it and decreased our contact even more. Keep in mind despite all this, she genuinely want me to still be a part of her life no matter what (and from the way I know her, not in a he'll-still-be-there-if-things-don't-work-out kinda way), and she has a hard time imagining life without me, and of course vice versa. During this period of lesser contact in the 2 months leading to this, I knew to keep that friendship in spite of each other moving on would be incredibly difficult, unless things turn platonic, which from the likes of it, that wasn't the case as of now. So I slowly gave her less attention, doing so thinking it would be easier for both of us to move on.

So when she told me she was starting to talk to a new guy, it came as a shock to me, but I felt relieved knowing she's not gonna be the first one to go through what I'm about to go through the next morning, which was I woke up feeling a black hole in my heart. I didn't think I would feel this way, after the decreased contact time, but I guess subconsciously I felt she would always be there given our close bond and connection. But alas, it was not the case. I came to the realization (even before this) that she was the girl I want to be with forever, and I was very much still madly in love with her. So I waited a few days to a week to see if my feelings would cool off. But it didn't. Knowing the inevitable is happening, I finally confronted her to and initiated a no contact period for several reasons. One, to clear my mind and figure completely and solidly if she is indeed the one for me even after I made that realization before; two, to leave in a way that she will miss me and create a absence for her to reflect and miss me as well; and three, give me some time to make the necessary changes (or as much as I can of it given the time) so I can show change for the better when I do plan to get her back.

So our last conversation went a little something like this. Basically I told her how I felt, the black hole I felt, how very much in love I still am with her, and I can't bear the thought of her being with another guy, so I'm initiating a no contact period that can end in a week or two years, I wasn't sure at the time, but I guess I wanted to keep her guessing. She said if it's only 2 months, she's sure the bond will still be strong and we can still be close, but she can't guarantee two years (obviously). She's even mentioned that if she still feels strongly about me in maybe half a year, she'll be willing to work it out since that just proves she really likes me (obviously I don't want to wait 6 months). She's a very emotional person when it comes to us, which was confirmed when she was visibly upset about the no contact. She also revealed that she still loved me, and a lot of times she had to really force herself to not call/text/ask to hang out with me during those 2 months before. This led me to believe that it's likely she forced herself to start talking to the new guy as well to force herself to move on even though she still loves me. She even mentioned why didn't I feel this strongly before during those 2 months. She even said **** got seriously, implying she didn't think that we would ever initiate a no contact and not be in each others lives. I even left a positive comment on the new guy whom I've never met or know who it is, saying I hope this new guy is a good guy. She said that doesn't matter now. We left each other on good terms, ended it with a long warm hug.

3.5 weeks later, during this time, I made the conclusion that yes, I want her back. Working on self improvement and change, but it's hard to focus when you feel the anguish of not having her with you, but doing my best. Consulted my friends on the situation, told them the whole story like I'm doing now (sorry if this is a long post, but this is very important to me), and got advice on how to get her back. Now my question is, can I still get her back. I want some opinions from this forum, since there seems to be a lot knowledgeable gurus here, and articles on getting your ex-gf back. I want to know if my situation is indeed a #3 breakup according to Chase's article, being a breakup due to life circumstance, or maybe a mix of #1 and #3. For sure I know it's not (hopefully) #2, since there was still very strong feelings and we would've preferred it not to happen if I was able to step up despite my situation. I'm fairly certain she still has feelings for me, something that usually doesn't just end, especially after a 5 year relationship that was very loving. She even mentioned sometime ago even if she were able to find another guy that could step up financially, she highly doubt he or anyone else would be as caring of her as me, and she loved that about me. But even though I'm 90% sure, there's still fear and doubt in me that tells me she's moved on. I'm not sure if her comment on whether the other guy being a good guy doesn't matter right now (read above for full context) means she's gonna cool off on talking to him due to this to clear her own mind.

So last night, I broke the no contact, since I initiated it, I doubt she would break it, since she respected my want and need for time to deal with this. I texted her, and obviously it's hard to gage anything from just words on a screen. The conversation was simple, lasted about half an hour, slight catching up, she mentioned it is nice to hear from me again, I mentioned we should go catch up sometime, and she said next time since she'll have a lot more free time time (next month starts Tuesday next week) because she just quit one of her jobs and her last day was Sunday. I was hoping for this weekend, but guess not. Maybe it's all in my head, but the conversation seemed moderately cold and not as warm as I would have liked, but that's explainable since we had NC, and I guess it will take time, even if it's a short time, to get back into the groove of things.

I read online somewhere that I should have kept contact to keep the energy level up, and in hindsight I thought I should've acted more aggressively when she asked why didn't I feel this strongly before during our last talk, since she does want me to be more aggressive in life and take control. But then again, I guess I did needed these few weeks to make sure and certain she's the one for me and for me to progress through positive changes. So what to you guys think? Do you think there's a chance at all? Is it possible her feelings faded that much in just 3.5 short weeks? Is there a chance she's dating someone? how should I proceed with this? I really love this girl, and I hope that bond we have is still there after these few weeks. I'm just afraid that she forced herself to move on so much that it started to fade her feelings towards me. How do I create that sexual tension between us again after this cool off period? How should I approach this? Should I push for a hang out this weekend or just wait? I feel like if I wait, that just gives her more time with the other guy if she is indeed dating. Funny enough, none of our friends know if shes dating anyone (we started out as friends in the same group, so our social circle has a very big interlapping area). Even her god brother, also one of my closest friends, has no idea who it is or whats their status during these 3 weeks, besides that she's starting to talk to someone new. Is she hiding the relationship if she has one? I already know I have to show her change, and I have a small plan for that already, just have to solidify it. My friend said I should come off more confident in our first meeting, relay the message that I am beginning to take control of my life, a spark happened and I am changing, and that the passenger seat in my life is still reserved for her, without openly saying it. She and I both hate games, so I guess this is a middle ground, since a lot of sites say to act aloof, like you've moved on, and make her chase you. But I feel she's different, if I act aloof, I fear it might tell her that she should move on too, since as I mentioned, she really liked the part of me that care about her, and me acting non-caring and might signal my feelings are fading and she's gonna respect that, since that was the initial goal, even though it was against our wishes and what we would have preferred. So what do I do now? Help me out here guys. Much appreciated (sorry for the loooooong post)

[SD4020]

The cycle will continue. Break up and be done with it. Nothing is going to change.

[legendver2]

sorry the post got cut off. Thanks for the reply though, although it would be cool if you can finish the rest and see if you still stand by your opinion. again, much appreciated

[SD4020]

No. It is the same old tired story told over and over and over and over and over. People don't change. Your situation is nothing new. No need for a novel. The net result is the same. Save your time, move on.

[Artifice32]

Sounds tough partner, she wants a family and you can't afford to have a family. I say move on and get your finances in order. From her perspective she gave you three years to make a stable income and it doesn't sound like you made the effort.

If you want a career that can earn a good income think about going to a trade school. You can get certified in two years and make a good, solid, middle class income to raise a family. What do you do now for a living? Do you live on your own?

[CSD610]

I am not even going to read all of that.
I will say however that an "ex girlfriend" is an "ex girlfriend" for a reason. You broke up, it was a mutual decision, spend some time alone then try and figure out what you want to do after that.

[legendver2]

Wow, you guys are tough, but I guess that's what I need right now.

Also regarding my financial situation, it's not that I didn't try to make the effort, it's just that my opportunities, at least I felt, were limiting, given that I have an issue with my citizenship status, which didn't allow me to work until recently. She knew and understood that, by like I said, I guess she just couldn't wait.

[Artifice32]

Originally Posted by legendver2

Wow, you guys are tough, but I guess that's what I need right now.

Also regarding my financial situation, it's not that I didn't try to make the effort, it's just that my opportunities, at least I felt, were limiting, given that I have an issue with my citizenship status, which didn't allow me to work until recently. She knew and understood that, by like I said, I guess she just couldn't wait.

Look, here's what I like it seems like you are handling it well. I have know doubt when your finances are stable you will have no problem being in another relationship so long as you keep handling it well. The uphill battle will be getting your finances stable so work on that for now.

[hawaiiancoconut]

Time to resign, Brah.

[ipaper]

Just wipe the slate clean and start over with somebody else.