Do hot partners lead people to become pickier? (boyfriend, marry, woman)

[homina12]

Originally Posted by freemkt

So finally I have a girlfriend who is sweet and cute. (Previously, I have never had sweet or cute.)

An early thought is that this can't be sustainable; eventually she will dump me and probably sooner rather than later.

Then I had an uneasy feeling: I can't imagine myself ever finding someone else as sweet or as cute as she; have my standards now been hopelessly inflated, and thereby ruined? As in, will I just be unhappy with all of my future available options?

Does the same thing happen to women? As in, are women pickier than men because they have a much easier time finding hot partners, leading to inflation of their standards for future partners?

I guess everyone acknowledges that a relationaship could end, but this jumps out at me as a really unfortunate take. Don't do this to yourself.

[cyberphonics]

Originally Posted by freemkt

Does the same thing happen to women? As in, are women pickier than men because they have a much easier time finding hot partners, leading to inflation of their standards for future partners?

I can't speak for all women, but I can tell you a boring story. There are some, Group A, who win the lottery and immediately go crazy with the spending, buying expensive clothing and cars, taking expensive trips, spreading it around at the fanciest places, and when the money is gone, they're devastated because they had a taste of the good life and nothing less than that will ever do again.

There are others who win the lottery, Group B, and don't behave any differently at all. If, for some reason, they lose those winnings, they're upset, but ultimately, okay with it because they're back where they started and at least they had that experience and were able to do with it what they could.

What's the fundamental difference between Group A and Group B?

Group A was never actually happy with what they had. They always wanted that luxury, but they'd come to terms with the belief that they'd never have it and forced themselves to accept their life as it was - to settle and say this is enough when, in their hearts, it wasn't.

When what they thought was impossible came to pass and they finally got what they really wanted - when the universe finally acknowledged that they could have this thing they thought they could never have, never deserved to have - it changed their minds. Suddenly, they weren't so accepting of their life as it is anymore. They didn't feel they had to settle anymore. And that knowledge continued to plague them.

Group B was happy with what they had. They didn't settle, they didn't convince themselves that they couldn't do any better so they might as well just accept that. They already had exactly what they wanted so this unexpected fortune didn't change them. It didn't change what they expected from life or what they felt they were worthy of or what they sought. They already had that happiness. Any happiness beyond that was just more of the same.

So...

To answer your question, I don't believe snagging an attractive mate will change what you want or make you any pickier unless the only reason you weren't picky in the first place is because you thought you couldn't do any better.

I've never settled. I've only ever dated people I truly wanted, people I was 100% attracted to who were 100% my type. Sure, everyone I've been with, I could point to another person I was with who was superior in some respect. This one was smarter than that one, this one had a better body than that one, this one was funnier than that one. But that's irrelevant.

Because they were all equal to each other in my eyes by the only measurement that matters to me, the only standard I'm picky about and will ever be picky about: They were all someone I wanted to be with.

If I always felt that I was shortchanging myself or being shortchanged, I'm sure that I'd jump for joy when someone came along that was more suited to my taste and that such an experience might spoil me, make me feel that if I can do better, I should always have better.

But I can't do any better than being with someone I really want to be with and I have that pleasure each and every time I date, so there really isn't anything to be pickier about. I understand that's a pleasure not everyone has, but there it is.

Originally Posted by HighPSI

I don't know about pickier, but being with her will probably enable you to be less intimidated by another girl on her level down the road.

Agreed.

Since society has instilled us with the false belief that the quality of the person we're with reflects back on our quality (i.e. if a hot person wants you, you must be pretty awesome yourself), having a mate you consider very attractive - more importantly, that you think others consider very attractive - increases your self-esteem and that boost can make you more confident about approaching mates of that "caliber" down the road.

In those terms, you're not so much becoming pickier as you are braver.

Unfortunately, it's a double-edged sword and can also do the opposite, making you feel even more insecure and even more aware of your own perceived shortcomings because you think you don't deserve this person and ultimately become fearful of them leaving you once they open their eyes and realize they're too good for you.

For this reason - and many, many, many others - having a low opinion of yourself doesn't do anyone any good. You settle for things you don't want because you think you can't have what you want, you obsess over why you can't have what you think you can't have, you become bitter about the people who get it and resentful about how easy they have it, and when you finally get it, you become paranoid about it only being a matter of time before you lose it and blah blah blah.

Better to just stay off your own case and stop acting like relationships are all about some objective man or woman that gets everything dooming everyone unlike that very specific type to loneliness and discontent.

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by freemkt

So finally I have a girlfriend who is sweet and cute. (Previously, I have never had sweet or cute.)

An early thought is that this can't be sustainable; eventually she will dump me and probably sooner rather than later.

Then I had an uneasy feeling: I can't imagine myself ever finding someone else as sweet or as cute as she; have my standards now been hopelessly inflated, and thereby ruined? As in, will I just be unhappy with all of my future available options?

Does the same thing happen to women? As in, are women pickier than men because they have a much easier time finding hot partners, leading to inflation of their standards for future partners?

Awww freemkt don't think like this hon. You should be fine.

You probably have options yourself.

Hell I have some. Shocking I know!

[highlife2]

Originally Posted by houstan-dan

Anyone who has more options is going to be pickier.

If someone puts 20 cars in front of you, and allows you to test drive every one, and if you don't like them, they tell you they will keep coming, will you keep testing them out for a while or just automatically pick an early one? You will likely realize you have many options, so if you are patient, you can find one that really suits you.

Or the other side of things.

Someone puts 3 cars in front of you, and allows you to test drive each. However, if you don't pick one, you will have the option to test drive a new one every 4 months, while the other person above, gets to test drive a new one every week.


If you are the first example, you may keep going to find exactly what you want. If you are the second, and you're really looking for a car, you might be able to settle for a few less than ideal features on that car, in turn for not "hoping" that you go the next 5 years and never finding a vehicle that suits you, and walking and taking the bus everywhere in the meantime.

Very well put, this should be a sticky. My family has always hassled me about my choice of women and I finally told my dad that there is not much choice for me, he let it go and we never talked about it again.

who wants to walk or take the bus (masterbate or spend huge sums of money on hookers if you even have the money).

[stepka]

Originally Posted by freemkt

It appears that women hold a broad consensus of who the hot men are and that is a small fraction, not quite 20 percent of all men.

On the other hand, men are all over the opinion map on this, and have widely varying opinions of attractiveness in women. I'm guessing that since success in dating and relationships is harder to find for men than for women, the large number of men who have at best third-tier options are more likely to prefer a type with which they have had success (i.e. a third-tier type) rather than the type widely regarded as hot.

Seriously? It rather seems the other way around to me but I really don't like making assumptions about large groups of people. If she's with you, she likes your looks and, I'm assuming, other things as well. I don't know your age but people change as they get older and most of us have a certain age where we look our best. I think for me it was 30.

[freemkt]

Originally Posted by highlife2

Very well put, this should be a sticky. My family has always hassled me about my choice of women and I finally told my dad that there is not much choice for me, he let it go and we never talked about it again.

who wants to walk or take the bus (masterbate or spend huge sums of money on hookers if you even have the money).

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a new euphemism.

[variant]

I've dated a few women with modeling portfolios, one a Gothic model, the other a catalogue model. I've also dated a number of average to chubby to downright overweight girls (well, just one of the latter). Frankly, anybody downstream were FAR more likely to get judged on how good they were in bed than how they looked. And if you're wondering, looks had no bearing on that skill set / open mindedness either way.

As the car analogy goes, a pig that's a blast to drive (Nissan GT-R) or a svelte car that's fun to drive (Lotus Exige) both outentertain something dull in the middle (Ford Focus), IMO.

[srjth]

You can only be as picky as your options allow (which can morph and change as time goes on, btw). Sometimes people get lucky though and snag someone out of their league.

[lilyflower3191981]

Also it depends on what you are looking for in the future, if you are only looking for something casual, then being a bit pickier about looks only helps.

I've been told by a very wise gentleman in the past that if somebody even wanted to "TRY" and look for prospective love, without wading through an entire sea of "likes", it would be good to working on self-improvement. People don't want to lie, or insult the intelligence they know you clearly have, but men and women are often times base creatures!

The partner they pick for a fling may look entirely different from the partner they pick to settle down with.

[intelfan11315]

You can date someone hot, but if you get annoyed by her nothing will keep her hot. I've dated plenty of hot girls, and after you've been with them long enough you take em for what they are.. people.