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I think its time you set some priorities.
His priorities are:
1. MBA from a reputed school
2. Career aspirations which may take years to achieve.
Your Priorities are:
1. Have children
2. Settle down in a nice home (you didnt say it but its easy to guess from your posts).
He is not ready to meet you half way and you are not ready to wait for him.
I think the only way is to separate. Since you say you are so rich, I am sure it wouldnt be too hard to find someone else who can give you what your current husband cannot.
Have you talked to him seriously and see if he can meet you midway through?
I've asked him if he can meet me halfway ie give a "timeline" for children but he refuses. Even if I "wait" for him, he might never become what he aspires to be. He aspires to be where his friends will be at that point of time, & how can he be that? Likely when he graduates from his MBA, his friends will in all probability be further up in their investment banking & consulting careers & unlike him, they're willing to slog. As I mentioned, he doesn't have any business ideas. There's a slim chance he might become as big as his friends but a bigger chance that he might not.
Did you even get to know each other before this arranged marriage took place? Did you talk about goals and aspirations? Did he lie just to say what he knew you wanted to hear? Will your family support you if you decide to divorce? Not only financially if you get no settlement from divorce but emotionally?
This looks very bleak. Believe me the earlier you face the facts and decide to take care of yourself the better off it will be. I would rather have a life alone than be married to somebody so selfish and unhappy.
Yes we had spoken quite a few times. I had told him that I want kids soon, he said maybe after two years. He'd also mentioned a boy's name & a girl's name he'd thought of. Not once did he mention that he doesn't want to afford kids at this stage & maybe doesn't want kids at all.
As I mentioned, he said he'd cancelled a software engineer girl because she wanted a long distance relationship for a year.
My family will support me if I want a separation or divorce.
They know whats' going on & they're unhappy & annoyed with his plans & his & his family's lies.
Sharanya, I am happy that at least your parents are on your side; thats more than a lot of Indian girls can hope for (you sure are going to need some emotional support). I think its time to end the relationship. You are not compatible with each other. We will only be going back and forth and wasting time but at the end of the day, you dont love each other (if I am not mistaken). You cant go on like this "for the rest of your lives".
Your goals and time lines are completely different. Its time to call quits. He is bent up on proving too much to the world and is less concerned about you as a wife.
All, divorce is a very big thing in India, even today. They look down upon people who divorce and they certainly dont enjoy the same status people have here in North America. Sad but true.
And if I have to guess the situation, she probably didnt specifically tell him when she wants children and he didnt tell her when he will be ready. Neither of them would have specifically talked about it.
But in all honesty, I wouldnt completely hold it against this guy either. I mean, before getting married I may not have thought of perusing MBA but what if I wanted to do it after getting married? Plans and aspirations change right?
But asking OP to be a placeholder is not right and its also not right not to give her a time-line as to when he can possibly be ready to settle down and have children (clearly, that's of the utmost importance to her). For that alone, she has every right to end the relationship.
OP, I understand your situation. While its extremely hard to contemplate separation (given the social stigma attached to it in India), I think it is for the best. It doesnt appear like you both will be happy, even if you do compromise. There will be resentment on both parts. It cannot be good for the kids and even for your self. You are young and so is he. Find someone whose goals are similar.
Actually, there've been a few divorces in my dad's side of the family, those relatives have gone on to remarry & are quite happy now, while there's quite a bit of gossip, they're not treated like outcasts & things are perfectly fine now, they're welcome & included in all family functions.
I had told him I want children soon & he'd said that in two three years.
MBA was a long cherished plan of his, not something which came up after marriage, apparently he didn't want to get married at all, when his parents insisted, he'd told them that he wanted to do this MBA but they asked him to do it after marriage, he'd given the GMAT twice before we got married.
The topic of MBA had come up in some of our conversations before marriage but he hadn't mentioned that he intends to do one. He had applied for PR before we got married & was waiting for it so he could leave Singapore for USA.
His PR was rejected for the third time a few months into our marriage & thats' when he decided he wants me to be a placeholder in Singapore for him so he can come back & job hunt on my Dependent Pass.
Hi,
I'm from India; I had an arranged marriage. I was 26, husband was 30. Now I'm 27+, husband is 31+.I knew that husband lived & worked in Singapore, but I didn't know he was so obsessed about staying on there.
Having children was really important to me, I had assumed that its important to my husband too as he comes from a very traditional & well off family & all his cousins have big kids already-he too seemed very traditional.He'd also mentioned a boy's name & a girl's name he'd thought of. After marriage he told me that he intends to go off to the USA for two years (one & a half years after our marriage) to do an MBA. He also wants me to stay on in Singapore with a job so he can come back & job hunt after his MBA on my Dependent Pass. He hadn't told me any of this before marriage, rather his family had told us that they'd cancelled the marriage alliance of a software engineer girl who wanted to go abroad for just one year for her job as (according to them) the purpose of marriage was to live together, now we learnt that my husband had always planned to do an MBA he was only waiting to become a Permanent Resident (he had applied twice before, this is another thing we hadn't known & been rejected twice before, this was his third application).His PR application was rejected the third time & now he's decided he wants me to be a placeholder for him in Singapore, while he goes off to the USA to study.
I know if I don't want to do this; if I decide to relocate because I'm missing my family or I hate my job & want to quit or even if I lose my job, he & his mom will blame me, they'll say he'd definitely have found some job if not for me.
Regarding a child, he says that he actually doesn't want a child at all, because the sufferings he's gone through, he doesn't want his child to go through, & this is something about which he's had long discussions with his parents, because they obviously want a grandchild. He says he'd even asked them to find him a girl who doesn't want kids, but he might eventually have kids due to social pressure later because (in his words) I want & his parents want. His dad also desperately wants him to relocate to our hometown & takeover the family business, but he adamantly refuses to do this & when I was annoyed with this being a placeholder in Singapore while he does his MBA in USA thing, he'd sms'ed his dad that this was all a "conspiracy" to get him back to our hometown & he'll not stay with me anymore so I don't know if social pressure of his family means anything to him.
His mother had an ectopic pregnancy at 30 which damaged one of her tubes & a hysterectomy at 34, she supports her son in whatever he wants to do, she says that nowadays one can have kids even at 40, she also asked me to "inspire" her son to do this MBA from USA & insisted I remain behind in Singapore with a job while he does this MBA.
People at his salary level do have kid/s in Singapore but he says he just can't afford a child & if he does do his MBA, he's going to be 33 when he starts his MBA & 35 when he completes his MBA, he also says he won't do consulting as there's "no life" but he wants some other job with a better work life balance, his friends are top i bankers & consultants who make 2.5x what he makes, in two years they'd have moved even further up in his i banking & consulting careers & he might just not land up the high paying, good work life balance job he's seeking & then his "sufferings" from life will only increase.
Do you think my husband will ever want kids?
Sharanya,
I feel for you. My father is Indian, and my mother is American. I understand arranged marriages. My father attempted to arrange a marriage for me, but I am too Americanized for that Your husband should have been honest with you at the beginning about not wanting children. His parents would have been able to arrange a marriage with a suitable bride, most likely. The only person who can tell you if he wants children is him. It sounds like he has a lot of expectations of you, and he will leave you alone in a strange country for a long time. These conditions should be sufficient to cancel the marriage.
I suggest you speak with your husband first, then your parents about this situation. It's wonderful that you have the support of his parents already. Children are a very important part of Indian marriages. Do you know how your parents feel about a divorce? I don't believe they will find fault with you at all for your natural desire to be a mother. Divorce is more common than it used to be. There is less stigma attached than before. Try not to be angry or blame anyone. Pressuring your husband to become a father against his will is a bad idea. Also, you may not find marrying after 35 to be as difficult as you think either. My Indian stepmother was 32 when she married my father. He had been divorced before. They have been married over 22 years. You can find the happiness you seek. Best wishes to you.
If his parents are that wealthy, would it be possible for them to support you and a child in Singapore?
That would be quite possible for both his parents & my parents to do that but he is totally unwilling. He says that he doesn't take money from his dad, but he's taken the down payment for his condo from his dad because he thought that would help him get Singapore Permanent Resident status.
His dad knows the Chairman of a particular Company in Singapore & he also got his dad to arrange a job for him in that Company, so he does take what he wants from his dad. He could easily ask his family for support for a child but he is unwilling.
Sharanya,
I feel for you. My father is Indian, and my mother is American. I understand arranged marriages. My father attempted to arrange a marriage for me, but I am too Americanized for that Your husband should have been honest with you at the beginning about not wanting children. His parents would have been able to arrange a marriage with a suitable bride, most likely. The only person who can tell you if he wants children is him. It sounds like he has a lot of expectations of you, and he will leave you alone in a strange country for a long time. These conditions should be sufficient to cancel the marriage.
I suggest you speak with your husband first, then your parents about this situation. It's wonderful that you have the support of your parents already. Children are a very important part of Indian marriages. I don't believe they will find fault with you at all for your natural desire to be a mother. Divorce is more common than it used to be. There is less stigma attached than before. Try not to be angry or blame anyone. Pressuring your husband to become a father against his will is a bad idea. Best wishes to you.
Hi Scooby Snacks,
If needed I will go for a divorce, children are indeed a very big part of Indian marriages & they're very important for me to feel fulfilled with my life.
Sharanya, I am happy that at least your parents are on your side; thats more than a lot of Indian girls can hope for (you sure are going to need some emotional support). I think its time to end the relationship. You are not compatible with each other. We will only be going back and forth and wasting time but at the end of the day, you dont love each other (if I am not mistaken). You cant go on like this "for the rest of your lives".
Your goals and time lines are completely different. Its time to call quits. He is bent up on proving too much to the world and is less concerned about you as a wife.
Yes I'm lucky to have my parents' support, not all Indian girls have that.
This marriage seems like a very poor match. Who arranged this thing? I would tell them to get out of the business.
No kidding. Those matchers couldn't have been more inept if they tried. A very difficult and sad situation for the OP is the result.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharanya27
My family will support me if I want a separation or divorce.
There's your answer. It's excellent that your family is supportive and recognizes the situation.
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Your husband should have been honest with you at the beginning about not wanting children. His parents would have been able to arrange a marriage with a suitable bride, most likely. The only person who can tell you if he wants children is him. It sounds like he has a lot of expectations of you, and he will leave you alone in a strange country for a long time. These conditions should be sufficient to cancel the marriage. 
