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Old 04-07-2014, 08:01 PM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,638 posts, read 20,130,445 times
Reputation: 28747

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun View Post
I have seen many women and some men do this. By the time you are in your 30s a man that is willing to commit and have children becomes much more desirable. He is probably not the man that you fell in love with, but you can grow to love. Unfortunately this runs contrary to the 'I must marry the love of my life model'. This runs closer to the 'I will fall in love with a doctor model'. Women and some men have been making this compromise since the beginning of time: "You will adjust to the best options you have available"
I've noticed this trend as well with the 30+ crowd. If the marriage isn't "perfect" from the get-go, it's usually 1 of 2 things: Person marries person they're crazy in love with, things don't work out, & 2nd marriage is to the "safe person"... Or, person marries "safe person", pines over their lost love, and things still don't work out.. Conclusion: marriage is a waste of time lol jk
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Old 04-08-2014, 04:29 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,920 posts, read 7,692,289 times
Reputation: 16655
If she is getting married then yes, leave her be.

It is sad she marrying someone else she is not in love with. I guess I can understand if she is trying to move on. Personally I would not do if I didn't love him and still loved someone else. That's unfair.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:19 AM
 
1,250 posts, read 2,154,004 times
Reputation: 2567
Boy, people can be really judgmental.

I think you're both being sadly honest with each other and your hopes and dreams. You are allowed to not seek commitment. She is allowed to seek it. These are just different visions of a future and there is no way they are even compatible a little.

She is making a wise decision. So are you. I would back away and give her marriage a chance to gain ground, and hopefully children. Children don't cement a marriage together, by the way, you would still not be a "safe" friend for her. The presence of children really makes the parents aware of the character of the person co-parenting with them. You do not want to rock this boat, and potentially create a crisis in a family.

I'd say, do not go to that wedding, and above all, do not give her a gift or even a card. Don't give her anything that she might "cherish" as a token and reminder. Do not even send her an email. If she calls, keep it totally casual and "I wish you well, and I know you can do this. You both deserve to be happy." Punto.

That's it. Move on, man. Have your adventures and let her have hers. This thing is done and you will look back and be glad if you pull the plug entirely.
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:37 AM
 
Location: USA
30,740 posts, read 21,872,773 times
Reputation: 18924
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217 View Post
I've noticed this trend as well with the 30+ crowd. If the marriage isn't "perfect" from the get-go, it's usually 1 of 2 things: Person marries person they're crazy in love with, things don't work out, & 2nd marriage is to the "safe person"... Or, person marries "safe person", pines over their lost love, and things still don't work out.. Conclusion: marriage is a waste of time lol jk
I think we have much higher expectations compared with past generations and even other countries. We think we can have it all. Even the saying "I won't compromise in a mate" will lead to the down fall in a relationship as everything we do involves compromise.

Our high expectations, as they say are a 1st world problem. When you are battling for survival and to put food on the table you are too busy to look for faults in your mate.
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Old 04-08-2014, 10:24 AM
 
Location: The Great West
2,084 posts, read 2,615,274 times
Reputation: 4112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alppiano View Post
Going to the wedding would obviously be the last thing I would do before breaking off contact.
I'll pretend these posts are real for a second.

Don't go to her wedding. Not only would it give her the wrong idea, I think it might actually ruin her day if she really does prefer you over the fiance. It would also be a slap in the face to the fiance. I would never go to a friend's wedding if I knew they were in love with me. It's completely unfair to the third party involved.

Why would you even go? Is it because you like the idea of the bride being more into you than her own future husband?
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:05 PM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,762,264 times
Reputation: 3176
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
If she is getting married then yes, leave her be.

It is sad she marrying someone else she is not in love with. I guess I can understand if she is trying to move on. Personally I would not do if I didn't love him and still loved someone else. That's unfair.


It is unfair to her, her fiance, and to any children she has if she ends up marrying him.

Her children will not learn what true love really is.
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:09 PM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,762,264 times
Reputation: 3176
Quote:
Originally Posted by birdinmigration View Post
Boy, people can be really judgmental.
So

Which posts are judgmental?
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:57 PM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,638 posts, read 20,130,445 times
Reputation: 28747
Quote:
Originally Posted by birdinmigration View Post
Boy, people can be really judgmental.

I think you're both being sadly honest with each other and your hopes and dreams. You are allowed to not seek commitment. She is allowed to seek it. These are just different visions of a future and there is no way they are even compatible a little.

She is making a wise decision. So are you. I would back away and give her marriage a chance to gain ground, and hopefully children. Children don't cement a marriage together, by the way, you would still not be a "safe" friend for her. The presence of children really makes the parents aware of the character of the person co-parenting with them. You do not want to rock this boat, and potentially create a crisis in a family.

I'd say, do not go to that wedding, and above all, do not give her a gift or even a card. Don't give her anything that she might "cherish" as a token and reminder. Do not even send her an email. If she calls, keep it totally casual and "I wish you well, and I know you can do this. You both deserve to be happy." Punto.

That's it. Move on, man. Have your adventures and let her have hers. This thing is done and you will look back and be glad if you pull the plug entirely.
I agree. Keep it real, folks.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:07 PM
 
60 posts, read 54,374 times
Reputation: 33
Thanks everyone for the replies. I will contact her to tell her I won't be going to the wedding.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:11 PM
 
4,078 posts, read 5,400,248 times
Reputation: 4958
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alppiano View Post
Hello, I don't know if someone as been through a similar situation but I have a tricky question in hands.

I've dated here and there but I was never one to keep a long relationship with someone because I hate commitment. However, I've had this female friend since we were in high school and we have been in love for all these years. We were involved on and off in our early 20s but we were never boyfriend and girlfriend.

She had boyfriends later and believe it or not, I was never jealous. I was happy for her because I want the best for her. However, we still hold a very special affection for each other even if she is with someone else. I mean friendly affection of course, not cheating. I know how to separate things.

She's getting married next month and we arranged a coffee meeting a few days ago. We're speaking and suddenly she tells me she would cancel the wedding if I told her I wanted to stay with her. I told her she was insane, she has dated the guy for years and I couldn't promise her something I could never give: commitment.

We resumed the conversation and didn't speak about that anymore.

However, I've been thinking about cutting off all ties with her. She's getting married, might have a couple of children and I don't want to be around with the potential risk of giving in to my desires and ruining her life.

I think the best for both of us is being apart, even though that will be hard.
As her friend, I would ask her to re-think why she wants to marry someone she clearly does not love. I'd also keep a distance for her own sake and yours.

And, there are plenty of other fishes in the sea you can find physical affection for when she wants commitment and you don't.

Looking at your situation objectively, you both know what you are getting into and he doesn't. So the most fair thing you can do is respect that guy by distancing yourself. From a brother to a brother between you and he this whole situation just ISN'T cool and EASILY preventable.

But, if you both love each other- she must also accept the fact that you aren't the traditional marriage type guy and that's something she may have to sacrifice. Either way, the other guy doesn't deserve to be with someone who's emotionally two-timing.
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