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I've read all your responses and want to thank you. You've all given me a lot of thoughts and voiced things that I haven't been able to face.
I thought for a long time, if I could just find a job here I would gain clarity about the relationship. I don't know how many more months to throw at it or if I accept what the universe seems to be telling me and move on.
My BF's attitude about the whole thing has not been cool. I might be able to understand if he could articulate his discomfort about a LDR, but all he says is that he needs me with him. He doesn't understand that I need more in life than him and why our love can't be enough. And I don't understand why *he* doesn't understand that a person has to be more than their relationship.
I've felt stuck for long because I attributed my unemployment depression and subsequent relationship problems to that depression. But maybe it's the other way around. He tries to guilt me with love sometimes, but I can't see it very clearly and it works on me. I don't know how to get wiser about this.
I started my paperwork to go overseas. I'm thinking of taking my pets with me since he won't watch them. I don't want to put them under the stress of an international move, but I think they would be happier with me. I'm their person, ya know? It will make things a little more complicated for me, but it's worth it to have them with me.
My BF's ultimatum may soften, but I feel more like his emotional security blanket rather than a person he cherishes and adores. Early in our relationship, when I was still in the military, I went away for 3 months to a training class. I didn't have access to a phone or computer, but we hand wrote letters every day. He didn't do a single thing while I was gone. Video games and work. I tried to encourage him to go enjoy a coffee by himself or walk around the lake or do any number of things but he always said he couldn't enjoy himself without me. That he was waiting to have fun until I came home. I'm trying to understand what type of person thinks this way. Almost like a martyr? When my ex deployed, I missed him and had the sads for a few weeks, but your life can't stop when your partner is away. Well, that is my view anyway.
It's that, and a hundred other things. Yes, he's brought up marriage. First month we dated. He put the pressure on so bad, we almost broke up over it but he agreed to take marriage off the table for a while. I think you're right- I need to let go and move on. I don't think he is a good partner for me, and vice versa. I've had doubts for a very long time. I forget who wrote it- something about how could I make peace with myself after turning down an opportunity for gainful employment and thus make it my conscious choice to remain in this situation...I have to live with myself the rest of my life. My BF is a good guy, but I can't shake my suspicions that he is coming from a place of bottomless need. I don't want anyone to need me. I want someone who will rejoice in life with me.
I've read all your responses and want to thank you. You've all given me a lot of thoughts and voiced things that I haven't been able to face.
My BF is a good guy, but I can't shake my suspicions that he is coming from a place of bottomless need. I don't want anyone to need me. I want someone who will rejoice in life with me.
So he has brought up marriage, but you declined???
Wow.
I get a much better picture of how he is thinking now. If I were in love with a woman I WOULD NOT want to have a long distance relationship with her. WHAT PERSON in their right mind would want to see their significant other 4 TIMES PER YEAR.
SKYPE RELATIONSHIP????? THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
He isn't needy. He is in love with you. There are thousands of people looking for someone to love them
the way this guy loves you.
I think you should go ahead and do what is in your heart.
Cut this guy loose so he can find the woman that is best for him.
I honestly don't know one man that would be ok with having his wife move overseas for AT LEAST a year.
You are basically choosing a career over him. Don't waste anymore of this guys time.
So he has brought up marriage, but you declined???
Wow.
I get a much better picture of how he is thinking now. If I were in love with a woman I WOULD NOT want to have a long distance relationship with her. WHAT PERSON in their right mind would want to see their significant other 4 TIMES PER YEAR.
SKYPE RELATIONSHIP????? THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
He isn't needy. He is in love with you. There are thousands of people looking for someone to love them
the way this guy loves you.
I think you should go ahead and do what is in your heart.
Cut this guy loose so he can find the woman that is best for him.
I honestly don't know one man that would be ok with having his wife move overseas for AT LEAST a year.
You are basically choosing a career over him. Don't waste anymore of this guys time.
You seem to have overlooked many key points such as them likely being rebound relationships for each other, she feels smothered by him, he's very needy, etc. The way he loves her isn't healthy, and just because someone mentions marriage doesn't mean that's actually a good idea. I don't see anything in her posts that resembles a happy and healthy relationship that she should stay in.
Thank you. Call me crazy, but I didn't take talk of marriage one month in as a sign of love. We weren't even divorced yet!
If he loves me for me and not from a place of insecurity, he would encourage me to take a year for work experience and training so I could have some fulfillment outside of cooking his dinner.
I admit I am not old fashioned. I think one year away to set my career up for a lifetime is not too much to ask from a man who claims to want to be with me forever.
I started my paperwork to go overseas. I'm thinking of taking my pets with me since he won't watch them. I don't want to put them under the stress of an international move, but I think they would be happier with me. I'm their person, ya know? It will make things a little more complicated for me, but it's worth it to have them with me.
I think you are making good decisions.
Quote:
Yes, he's brought up marriage. First month we dated. He put the pressure on so bad, we almost broke up over it but he agreed to take marriage off the table for a while...My BF is a good guy, but I can't shake my suspicions that he is coming from a place of bottomless need..
Wow. His behaviour is not healthy. To put it mildly.
He needs some help, and it cannot be from someone he is in a relationship with.
Long distance relationships almost never work out. And who's to say you will only be gone a year? A lot can happen in 12 months. You might get another opportunity overseas, meet someone else, etc. Is he supposed to put his life on hold while you move forward with yours? I don't think so. It is great that you found a job and can feel better about yourself. But you should accept the fact this relationship will be a casualty of that.
OP, I am happy that you are thinking of taking your pets with you! It's not cheap, but you will love having them around in your new place and as far as they'll be concerned they just went around the block after a long nap in a crate. My dog did the 11 hour flight just fine both ways and showed no ill effects. I have done it with cats too.
Now I am curious...where are you going? I think it sounds wonderfully exciting!
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I think it sounds wonderfully exciting!
