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I just need to get that irritating feeling to go away though. I mean it's so trivial, I feel embarrassed to mention it honestly :-/ . I'm not saying wanting companionship and worrying about getting a partner is weak or anything like that. I just don't think it's something worth worrying about. It's just not as important as other things in life. At least that is what I believe.
I am not opossed to dating anyone or dating in general, it's just I am not interested in anyone right. I would like to be with someone eventually, but I am more than happy to wait for the right person.
This situation with this old friend of mine really messed me up emotionally a few months back. I am kind of over it now, but I am still trying to get it out of my mind. It was really my fault it didn't go anywhere. Well it was a combination of that, and the distance between us.
You're very young and in a phase of life where doing some self-discovery is often more beneficial in the long run than jumping into relationships to feel whole (or whatever).
Sometimes men tell women they're too picky because they (the guys) aren't getting picked. Or they confuse the over-analysis some women may do as pickiness when it's more like confusion. In any case, take your friend's comments with a grain of salt. It may have no reflection of what's really going on for you, but instead be more about himself.
I read a pretty good book recently about knowing what you want in a relationship as more of an "awareness" of needs and desires than a checklist of criteria but not being TOO open either (which was my problem & often looks like you don't know what you want), how to be emotionally ready to spot and accept a good partner, and how to just BE in the meantime (NOT looking or trying to force anything).
I'm not big on this kind of stuff normally (self-help), but I came across this when looking for a psychology book and it seemed more insightful to me than most of the dating advice out there. Not overly deep nor too fluffy. Anyway, it's called "Expect A Miracle".
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Originally Posted by NilaJones
I think for most women it is less than 5%, and for many it is less than 1%.
What is surprising is that when men get into social situations where many good looking women are available to them, they discover that they, too, are only truly interested in a few percent. Men in our culture are so often raised to think of sex as something scarce that they tend towards 'would I?' rather than 'do I really want to'?
I had a long discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. He knows me pretty well, and we see eye to eye a lot. I had told him I had been feeling some long time discomfort and distress with my life and myself lately. He flat out told me that my issue is that I don't know what I am suppose to do in life and that I need companionship.
I am inclined to agree with him. With companionship, I try not to entertain the thought of it because it has never happened to me before. Not romantically anyway. I know it is one of things I desire in life, but it is getting to the point where it is affecting my mood, when it shouldn't be. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to have someone in my life in order to be happy because I know better.
He told me he thinks my standards are unrealistically too high. Of course I don't think so, because the only thing I really care about is mutual attraction. I have been attracted to all kinds of guys, I don't pay attention to what he has, or what he does, not really. I don't really do much myself, I am a college student and I live with my family. I can't really ask for too much haha. Of course I don't want someone who is felon, or really bad with drugs, alcohol, money, or have terrible anger issues, etc.
I don't fall for guys left and right, I did when I was a bit younger in high school. As I was quite insecure. My luck with guys is horrible as it never moves past a certain face. We will "talk" for a LONG time and then it's over. I learned a lot from my little experience I have had, and realized relationships may not be for me. I don't try to analyze myself because I'm weird with that kind of stuff. My basically told me that I want a guy I have spontaneous mutual attraction too, want him to look good (even though I did not say that), and I can't remember what else he said.
My point is, I don't think my standards are too high at all. I am not asking for a rich man, a man that looks like trey songz, an actor, an athlete or anything like that. As a matter of fact I am not looking at all. I am still trying to figure myself out. I don't mind being single, what is bothering me is that the fact that it's on my mind at all. I actually just turned 21 a few days ago to haha. I did get to the point where I felt that a relationship is not in my future. It bugged me for a while but I got over. I guess you can I am trying to focus myself on other things. What is your definition of having high standards?
I wouldn't worry too much about what he says, he's trying to get in your head.
Your friend is knocking on your door, expecting you to invite himself in. He's totally macking on you in the most "put her down" "tell her she needs (a man, me, preferably)" kind of way. If you don't like him the same, I'd brush his comments off.
His saying "you need a man" "lower your standards" is aka "lower your standards for me. Please, sugah?! Now!"
That's it. Is this someone with whom you never get tired? Are you considerate of each other? Do you burn up the sheets? There you go.
The problem is that people don't keep things simple. Instead, they have a list of requirements as long as their arms. Height, weight, cup size, degrees, salary, religious faith, etc. etc.
Yet every time you tack on something to your list of Must Haves, you eliminate another chunk of the available pool of candidates. And eliminating some good people in the process.
I cannot rep you again, but this is a terrific post!
I wonder if your not "trying too hard" here. Or putting too much focus on it. Doing so just detracts from the other areas of your life and threatens to bring down your general mood and in more extreme cases, cause some depression to settle in. You do not want any of that!
Ignore the friend for a moment.
To have quality companionship and a fruitful relationship, you need to enter it being happy and content with yourself. Do things you enjoy, that build your own self confidence and self worth. This will make you a more attractive person to others, and position you in a place to focus on building a relationship when it starts.
As for standards, don't worry about having people meet any benchmarks (although it doesn't sound like you do). People I know who seem to picky are nit-picking factors in potential partners that are really secondary to having a good relationship. Yet, they tend to look beyond the most important things. To navigate this, be sure you KNOW yourself. Know what you absolutely cannot live with (qualities, traits, etc), and move from there in evaluating people. (Example, it is easier to live with someone who is not your ideal "height" for a partner than it is to live with someone who is a chronicly lying narcissist, but who has a terrific set of abs).
I did get to the point where I felt that a relationship is not in my future. It bugged me for a while but I got over. I guess you can I am trying to focus myself on other things. What is your definition of having high standards?
I don't think somebody's "standards" is really up for debate really. Standards is highly individual and everybody is entitled to that.
As long as they know dating pool shrinks significantly when they have all these deal breakers or standards, it is really their own businesses.
I like certain type of guys ever since I was a little girl, I can't help it. My taste in men hasn't changed in ages. All the men I have been with, dated, fell in love with all share certain characteristics. You can call that standards, or you can just say that is sexual physical emotional spiritual compatibility.
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