Husband doesn't want anymore children. What should I do? (dating, how to, marriage)

[Toby J]

I am 30 years and my husband is 39. He has a 15 year old son with mental disability. We've been together for 12 years. I take care of his son, and now I feel that I want one of my own, but I'm not sure if he really does. His job is very demanding and I am afraid I am on my own on this. And he keeps saying is what I want. I need his imput on this. I am not sure what to do. But time wasted can never be regained. I don't want it to be too late and if I make up my mind that it should be no to thst he may never be ready then I also don't want to get blamed for not having any. What should I do?

[FluidFreedom]

You discussed children before getting married, so you knew he did not want them. You agreed to that arrangment. Do you love your husband? It would be wrong to ruin a marriage because you are now wanting something you knew full well he did not. It was your choice to marry him. If you have a need to be around children, find a job working with at risk youth or volunteer with children in some way.

[no kudzu]

Originally Posted by FluidFreedom

You discussed children before getting married, so you knew he did not want them. You agreed to that arrangment. Do you love your husband? It would be wrong to ruin a marriage because you are now wanting something you knew full well he did not. It was your choice to marry him. If you have a need to be around children, find a job working with at risk youth or volunteer with children in some way.

working with children or teaching or taking care of other people's kids will not satiate the desire to have a kid of your own.

And married couples change their minds about all sorts of things. God forbid we all stay inflexible and rigid our whole lives.

When my husband and I started dating I had a fresh new MBA and was on a high powered career path. He was comfortable in his profession but longed to be a professional photographer. We decided no kids (he had 3 from previous marriage and vasectomy), I would be primary bread winner, he would slowly phase out his career and build his photography business. We were both comfortable with that plan.

Six months after our marriage we both had a complete reversal. He saw how precarious starting a new business would be and his career held new promise. I wanted a child. I hated my job. I wanted to stay home, grow a garden, go back to school to study horticulture and landscape design, learn how to cook, sew curtains, etc.He called me a Closet Domestic. Who knew this would come out in me. He had his vasectomy reversed, we had a wonderful son and adopted 3 daughters.
He is a great father but he lacked confidence since his first 3 kids were born under extreme financial insecurity and they were both extremely young.

But he wanted to have kids again. He never would have undergone a painful and experimental operation (almost 40 years ago). I would never force anybody to have kids but if one partner felt their life would be incomplete without kids and the other definitely didn't want them then they should split and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

working with children or teaching or taking care of other people's kids will not satiate the desire to have a kid of your own.

And married couples change their minds about all sorts of things. God forbid we all stay inflexible and rigid our whole lives.

When my husband and I started dating I had a fresh new MBA and was on a high powered career path. He was comfortable in his profession but longed to be a professional photographer. We decided no kids (he had 3 from previous marriage and vasectomy), I would be primary bread winner, he would slowly phase out his career and build his photography business. We were both comfortable with that plan.

Six months after our marriage we both had a complete reversal. He saw how precarious starting a new business would be and his career held new promise. I wanted a child. I hated my job. I wanted to stay home, grow a garden, go back to school to study horticulture and landscape design, learn how to cook, sew curtains, etc.He called me a Closet Domestic. Who knew this would come out in me. He had his vasectomy reversed, we had a wonderful son and adopted 3 daughters.
He is a great father but he lacked confidence since his first 3 kids were born under extreme financial insecurity and they were both extremely young.

But he wanted to have kids again. He never would have undergone a painful and experimental operation (almost 40 years ago). I would never force anybody to have kids but if one partner felt their life would be incomplete without kids and the other definitely didn't want them then they should split and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

I agree.

A true marriage isn't just based on what one wants and the other must give up everything.

I work with a woman who gave up her desire to have at least one child because her husband said he wouldn't consider it. Then as soon as it was too late, he had the gall to say they should have had kids. I think he did that to be deliberately cruel.

[Meyerland]

Originally Posted by Who?Me?!

Quit wallowing...you agreed.HE is not being selfish....IF you can't LIVE without a baby then do the right thing! Leave him and find someone else...you don't deserve him!

She made the 'decision" in her early twenties. People change and want different things.

OP, I know you made a vow to your husband and you want to honor it. Seriously think about your needs too.

In 18 years your husband will be an elderly 70. You will only be in your fifties. Once he passes, you will be alone except for your dogs and step kids. If you can be happy without having a child or grandchild, then stay. If you can't, then be upfront with him.

Edit- I just realized this is an old old post from 2008. Argh! OP has not been back since then.