Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So this is going to be a bit long so I'll try to break it down a bit
I met someone amazing , we started dating things were going great initially. An f-buddy of mine that was out of country for work started messaging me to have sex I simply ignored the messages (my first mistake). When she was back in town I met up with her (my second mistake) and told her that I met someone amazing and was happy w/her and we could stay friends but nothing more. The next day the f-buddy emailed me an angry email (she was obviously hurt by the rejection).
A month or two later my ex went through my phone (snooped but said didn't mean to) and saw the message of the f-buddy and asked me in a non obvious way to which I didn't respond (I basically lied, my third mistake). After she confronted me I showed her the email w/the timestamp and that I hadn't cheated on her but obviously she has only my word to go on. I understand that and apologized for being a dumbass. We spent a few months rebuilding things.
A couple of sidenotes at this point , I'd taken her on an expensive vacation for our first valentines when the **** went down, prior to this I like to y'know be nice - I cook her favorite food , bought her flowers every so often, show up at her place when she needs anything , bubble baths , buying her lingerie, routine boyfriend stuff. The sex was never good, I introduced toys etc into the equation which she grabbed and used on herself which kinda made me into a spectator and wasn't fun for me. She never tries to seduce me, turn me on or anything and makes comments about my not being immediately turned on when she touches me. She likes to wear sweats around the house , I remember one night where we were snuggling up and I was in the mood and tried to take off her sweats and she got mad saying she gets cold (which she does). Usually most of my ex's and I sleep in the buff or underwear so I wasn't used to this which turned me off massively. To this day she hasn't ever tried to seduce me , her idea of initiating sex is grabbing my nether regions.
One of her female friends told me she was insecure about how attractive my prior girlfriends (and mentioned f-buddy) were. She also tends to be hyper-critical pointing out my shoddy taste in music, minor put-downs regularly. We initially watched porn together but then she started asking about my fetishes with comments about knowing how they're probably something horrible and bad etc. She's also called me out in front of a friend of mine for owning swimsuit mags and how offensive that is from a feminist perspective. She also frequently reads advice columns about guys cheating on girls and reads them back to me, which makes me feel like she's accusing me.
Anyways around 8 months later the f-buddy contacted me again asking about something technical which I responded to, she messaged me again a few times and I didn't respond. I emailed her saying please it's disrespectful to my gf for you to contact me to which the f-buddy got huffy but largely backed off. I got a message a month which I ignored.
GF saw the technical message and non-responses n got mad / asked me to block her n why I hadn't done so before (4th mistake), which I proceeded to do. Later I told gf that I had emailed f-b telling her that it was disrespectful but since I had deleted/blocked everything I had no way to show this to gf who didn't believe me. At this point we got into another fight in which she said
'I don't know why I should believe you that this girl (f-buddy) is so desperate for your attention when I've been with other men and trust me you're not that good in bed'. She also told me how she couldn't look at me for the months when we were rebuilding our relationship and has sex even though she was disgusted. Both of which were shattering to me, why would I want to have sex with her if she was disgusted and was replaying what she thought was cheating.
She also acquired an STI around this time which can often be gotten through other means (I don't think cheating was or is a factor) due to which we stopped having sex for a few months
One other thing that really bothered me was when she said the whole she was disgusted thing she also said if she wanted to **** me over I wouldn't even know what hit me. I have a feeling she may have led her last boyfriend on for a while before breaking up (again not cheating but knowing the relationship was over but sticking around anyways)
Anyways at the moment where things stand she's mad at me for the infrequency of having sex. I'm still hurt by what she said and the routine random put-downs and my libido is mostly gone. I used to have sex pretty much daily in the past.
I'm debating going to couples therapy but I'm really lost at the whole thing.
I'd have a very frank conversation with her about everything, mostly including f-buddy.
But, she's got to at least listen and understand nothing's going on. Make it very explicit to her that you're not keeping in touch with this person and that they are angry because you moved on.
About her finding sex not so much of a turn-on anymore? Once a girl gets to that point, I don't know how salvageable the relationship is anymore.
She could be hurt by a matter of certain things, and once a person's fed up, they're fed up. So as to her "I'd eff you over without you even realizing it" yet she still sticks around, my hunch is she wants more effort on your part.
Seems like you guys are enjoying less of each other. You need to rebuild your relationship by getting her to laugh and be happy with you, be someone she can turn to and trust. Because clearly, she's built a wall, and it's up to you to communicate with her openly/honestly in order to repair what's damaged.
P.S.- about the magazines she found, you should keep it because it's a part of what interests you. I personally have found it a turn off in the past, but she also has to accept you for you. And, I wouldn't change that even if she's a bit..disgusted. You can't be someone else you're not.
About her finding sex not so much of a turn-on anymore? Once a girl gets to that point, I don't know how salvageable the relationship is anymore.
The low libido is my end not hers (she said in the past she was disgusted but going through the motions but hasn't said that since)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
Seems like you guys are enjoying less of each other. You need to rebuild your relationship by getting her to laugh and be happy with you, be someone she can turn to and trust. Because clearly, she's built a wall, and it's up to you to communicate with her openly/honestly in order to repair what's damaged.
Thanks I needed to hear that (building a wall), I think it's on both ends and making things worse n worse (resentment building)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
P.S.- about the magazines she found, you should keep it because it's a part of what interests you. I personally have found it a turn off in the past, but she also has to accept you for you. And, I wouldn't change that even if she's a bit..disgusted. You can't be someone else you're not.
She knew about them, it's not disgusted sexually but from a female objectification point. She has mentioned growing up she hated the way girls are treated and resented being a girl due to the pervasive misogyny she felt. Bringing it up to my friend felt like an attempt to shame me more then anything.
She's very smart, we initially got along great, spent hours and hours talking, she's attractive, while having a very potent mean streak she is overall nice, cares about her family etc
She's very smart, we initially got along great, spent hours and hours talking, she's attractive, while having a very potent mean streak she is overall nice, cares about her family etc
I think this is your problem. The beginning of all relationships are best. Everyone is on their best behavior because it's new. Over time, people tend to settle into the real them. The amount of settling varies based on how much they were pretending. For some people, it's just wearing sweatshirt/sweatpants on weekends when you see each other instead of dressing up. For others, the change is dropping of the facade because it's too exhausting to keep up 24/7.
It sounds like you may have found the later. This doesn't sound like the type of person who will ever really "get over" your f-buddy, even if you didn't actually do anything. In her mind, you did, and from here on out, any attempt to convince her other wise is a lie, and anything that makes you look guilty is the truth.
You can try therapy.. but I suspect this won't end well.
She's very smart, we initially got along great, spent hours and hours talking, she's attractive, while having a very potent mean streak she is overall nice, cares about her family etc
It's like those comedies where you drone out a list where you are completely unaware one of these isn't like the others.
I didn't see a question in the OP but here's the answer: dump her.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
