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My family was like that when I was in my 20's. When I got married at the age of 31 they were so happy I was getting married they did not care what his ethnic background was. We met at work and have the same occupation. They admitted years later that if I married someone of their choosing that he would not have been as well educated as me and it may not have been a great relationship. I don't have the best housekeeping skills but my husband does not care because I earn enough to hire help when needed and to support the family should something happen to him.
Well, she reiterated the issue one more time this morning at breakfast. I'm going nuts. She told me "I was just joking yesterday" however a few minutes later she came up to my and told me "alright, at least choose someone who is just as religious as we are, even if he doesn't have the same background". Something is off with her. I told her I want to date people for who they are, not based on their religious beliefs and that it is up for me to decide what kind of person I want to date. She told me she has my best interest at heart and wants to warn me against "d-bags". I ended up telling her I'm going to date whomever I want regardless of her opinion and she's free to disagree, end of the story.
She seriously believes that "religious" guys will treat me better than other guys. C'mon, we all know religion has nothing to do with it. If anything, it can be a major issue considering that some men tend to undermine their wives based on "religious" grounds.
She keeps pushing and it's aggravating. This is the only topic she's been focusing on. She thinks I'm going to marry a man for his money, so I shouldn't trust any guy who claims he has money! C'mon, I went to college, have a prestigious degree and I'm pretty successful myself, why on earth does she think I'm gonna marry some dude for money?
Marriage is not on the cards. She knows I'm still earning money to go to grad school next year so it's clear marriage won't happen before I turn 30, at least. She's acting obsessive for no valid or pressing reason.
Well, she reiterated the issue one more time this morning at breakfast. I'm going nuts. She told me "I was just joking yesterday" however a few minutes later she came up to my and told me "alright, at least choose someone who is just as religious as we are, even if he doesn't have the same background". Something is off with her. I told her I want to date people for who they are, not based on their religious beliefs and that it is up for me to decide what kind of person I want to date. She told me she has my best interest at heart and wants to warn me against "d-bags". I ended up telling her I'm going to date whomever I want regardless of her opinion and she's free to disagree, end of the story.
She seriously believes that "religious" guys will treat me better than other guys. C'mon, we all know religion has nothing to do with it. If anything, it can be a major issue considering that some men tend to undermine their wives based on "religious" grounds.
She keeps pushing and it's aggravating. This is the only topic she's been focusing on. She thinks I'm going to marry a man for his money, so I shouldn't trust any guy who claims he has money! C'mon, I went to college, have a prestigious degree and I'm pretty successful myself, why on earth does she think I'm gonna marry some dude for money?
Marriage is not on the cards. She knows I'm still earning money to go to grad school next year so it's clear marriage won't happen before I turn 30, at least. She's acting obsessive for no valid or pressing reason.
Time and age will teach you to ignore this type of behavior and to cut people who are toxic out of your life...even if it's your parents.
You live elsewhere. Presumably you have a job and a life. You don't NEED to be a part of your parents' lives, you know, or have them in your life. Your mom has untreated mental health issues and your dad has his own brand of crazy going on - that's not your problem. Just step away.
I live 2,000 miles away from my (often difficult) parents. They know only exactly what I want them to know about my life. When I visit, I stay with a friend or in a hotel. We meet for meals and I spend some holiday celebrations with them. I cannot be around my mother more than 48 hours before my stress levels start rising.
I have other family members I am estranged from entirely. I struggle with whether we should be in contact or not sometimes. But they're really dysfunctional, so we will never be close again without some major changes in their behavior.
Build your own family out of people that you choose and keep the controlling and dysfunctional people at a distance. Even if they're your parents.
Well, she reiterated the issue one more time this morning at breakfast. I'm going nuts. She told me "I was just joking yesterday" however a few minutes later she came up to my and told me "alright, at least choose someone who is just as religious as we are, even if he doesn't have the same background". Something is off with her. I told her I want to date people for who they are, not based on their religious beliefs and that it is up for me to decide what kind of person I want to date. She told me she has my best interest at heart and wants to warn me against "d-bags". I ended up telling her I'm going to date whomever I want regardless of her opinion and she's free to disagree, end of the story.
She seriously believes that "religious" guys will treat me better than other guys. C'mon, we all know religion has nothing to do with it. If anything, it can be a major issue considering that some men tend to undermine their wives based on "religious" grounds.
She keeps pushing and it's aggravating. This is the only topic she's been focusing on. She thinks I'm going to marry a man for his money, so I shouldn't trust any guy who claims he has money! C'mon, I went to college, have a prestigious degree and I'm pretty successful myself, why on earth does she think I'm gonna marry some dude for money?
Marriage is not on the cards. She knows I'm still earning money to go to grad school next year so it's clear marriage won't happen before I turn 30, at least. She's acting obsessive for no valid or pressing reason.
Although we love our parents we have to keep some personal issues personal.
Try to be kind. Silence is good when things go wrong from her ignorance.
Always leave on good terms. Hugs and kisses till we meet again.
I never talk about my love interests to my parents but my mom brought the topic up. I'm 24 and she's never heard me talk about boys or love interests, so she was curious to know what my tastes/opinions are.
We're not white and she told me she'd disown me if I ever were to date someone who is "white" and "not religious". She changed her speech since she gave me the exact opposite speech years ago. Now she's like "you're allowed to choose the guy but he has to have the same background as ours and we'll even organize a beautiful wedding if you want" (Thanks, you're "allowing me", what a privilege!). Sorry, what? Are you trying to dictate who I should be dating? She's gone back to her archaic views now that I'm reaching a certain age.
She was like "a white guy will play you, beat you up when he's drunk, plus if he's not religious your kids will be "non-believers". He's gonna cheat on you, make you turn your back on your family. You know we have our fare share of rich men too". Wow. What on earth? She was trying to brainwash me into marrying a certain type of guy to please her. She was like "you can never believe in 'until death do us part' with white guys bla bla". She's clearly out of her mind or very close-minded. I'm very successful myself, so it has nothing to do with wealth, she's delusional. She's selfish.
I'm not physically attracted to boys who have a similar background, I can't help it.
I tried to talk to her calmly for hours but she was not having it. She was like "I'd be very disappointed, mad and angry. What disgrace to our family". I just can't stand how restrictive she's behaving. It's my life. What if I want to settle down one day? Since she told me she'd disown me, I guess I have my answer. She wants my "future" kids to be religious. I told her that I want my children to create their own path and she then stated that I'm a sinner for thinking this way. She's now praying God "he'll show me the light to guide me towards a more reasonable choice" (i.e: her choice).
I don't know if I should just keep contact to a minimum or remove them from my life completely? I'm having anxiety now.
*She said "white" guys but it also applies to black people and Asians.
A few thoughts....you know your mother is either mentally ill or unbalanced, so do not engage in these conversations with her, they are a waste of time. Just smile, refuse to discuss and change the subject, or leave.
Second of all, your bigger problem appears to be that you are still living with your parents. MOVE asap.
A few thoughts....you know your mother is either mentally ill or unbalanced, so do not engage in these conversations with her, they are a waste of time. Just smile, refuse to discuss and change the subject, or leave.
Second of all, your bigger problem appears to be that you are still living with your parents. MOVE asap.
She is only there for a vacation. Doesn't sound like a fun vacation though.
You live in a different country than your parents. Who you date is not going to be something that affects their day-to-day life, anyway. Don't worry about it.
OP, looks like you come a conservative family where you are supposed to follow certain rules. To just give you a different perspective, are you religious yourself? If yes, how religious are you? A lot would depend on that. Just to give you a different perspective, say you are religious and marry someone outside your own religion. While in the beginning it may work, but over a period of time there is a possibility of conflict when it comes to raising children, celebrating festivals etc.
Couple of my good friends got married. One was Hindu and the other was Muslim (guy). In the beginning it was fine but soon the issues started with kids. He wanted a Muslim name and she wanted a neutral one. The inlaws stepped in saying that a Muslim child needs to have a muslim name.
Soon the preferences over food began. Before kids they were simply not cooking meat inside home because he wanted Halal meat and she by principle was against halal. After kids, they started fighting over what kind of food to be give, which religion to follow etc.
The culture was completely different too in terms of festivals, observances, ceremonies for kids etc.
It came to a point where they started resenting each other and finally ended up getting divorced.
I am not telling it will be the same case with you; dont get me wrong. There are a lot of inter religious happy couples. But I am just saying think from her perspective too; when cultures are completely different, its hard for couples to over-look everything and get on fine. It doesnt mean it cant be done, its just a touch more difficult. Maybe when she is saying find someone of our own, maybe she is thinking long term challenges. Maybe she is not a racist after all and just being a worried mom?
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